Out Of Control

Look at the time. It's half past 1 in the morning and I refuse to sleep. Not now anyway. I'll describe a few things before I continue:

-The air conditioner is turned on. It's way too cold.

-I'm in my older brother's room. It's cramped and messy in here.

-I brought back tons of books from college intending to read them all even though I won't be able to. I shall have to lug all of them up 5 freaking flights of stairs to my hostel tomorrow.

-I now own a to-do-list book. I've been making lists of everything.

-When I go to bed I shan't turn the lights off. My eyes is burning.

There you go. Done. Now...:

-I chose to be cold. I want to remember being cold at home when it's 100 degrees in my claustrophobic hostel.

-I miss my brother. I can't stand being in my room knowing I don't live there anymore.

-I hate studying in my hostel.

-I make lists because they give me the impression of being in control of everything. And I mean, everything.

-I chose to sleep with the lights on, I want to see the walls. I turn the lights off when I sleep in my hostel because I don't want see those walls that are not mine.

I've had enough of this. Enough of feeling wrenched off of my liberty to do things I like whenever I like in my own room. My OWN room in which I can be alone, eat alone, study alone, sleep alone and hang out with my family when I don't want to be alone anymore.

In college everything is routine to the max. I sleep at 12.30 I wake up at 5. Cold shower. Bus. Class. Chocolate milk for lunch. Pataya fried rice with mango juice for dinner. And it repeats. On and on. And everywhere, there're other people. PEOPLE. OTHER people.The orderliness of my daily routine is getting out of control.

Wanna know something that is worse?

When I play the piano I feel sad & angry because I know I can't run my fingers on those ivory and black keys everyday anymore, because I can't play it when I feel sad or angry, because it no longer can make me feel better.

Stuck in my head: UNDER CONTROL - The Strokes.