It's a wrap!

Make a wish!

With dila's birthday present safely in her possession (albeit her birthday's tomorrow actually), there'll be no more gifts to be given to my dearest friends.

I observe the rituals of gift-giving to my compadres with near religious devotion. I revel in it and this year's been a definite success. I managed to present my people with gifts that their hearts desire. This year's success lies in Something Wicked This Way Comes, the second installment of The Gallagher Girls series, Do-It-Yourself Diary of A Wimpy Kid and a Velvet Underground CD.

When it comes to giving people presents I always do my best to give them something that they want. It involves some extent of detective work and intuition-based guessing with a dash of financial approximation. When it involves the people that matters to me at least, but then again, I don't really give people I'm not particularly keen on gifts anyway. To me, gift-giving is personal. I put my love into them because I love the people who they are meant for.

The surprise, delight or excitement expressed when they get things they really like pleases me to no end. I just adore it. Makes me very very happy. It's one of those happy memories I store that I can tap into whenever I feel nostalgic or something of that sort.

And the wrapping! Gosh, I love wrapping gifts. It makes my heart sing, haha. My favourite part will always be when I pinch the paper wrapper hard along the edges of the gift box so that the wrappers have sharp, crisp and well-defined edges and corners. In their anticipation to unwrap them gifts, I doubt anybody ever notices such detail. But it's all love. Those visible edges and corners are LOVE I tell you. It is.

Although one disappointment every year for the past 5 years has been, my older brother's birthday. I NEVER get to give him anything. Mainly because he currently resides 18 time zones away from Malaysia, which is Toronto, Canada. Each year I have this grand idea of making some kind of home movie which involves footages of each and every family member wishing him a very 'Happy Birthday' while holding their own personalized birthday 'banner' (a piece of drawing block with their personal wishes written on it). I'd then edit all these precious footages into a film collage filled with love and good wishes from home. Fantasy, fantasy. I don't even own a video camera. I could borrow somebody's of course, but *sigh* I don't know.

Last year, I almost managed to pull it off. Though instead of video clips, it was really pictures of family members holding the aforementioned drawing block 'cards'. Except, it turned out that the pencil drawn 'cards' weren't legible because they were too thin. I abandoned said plan because it'd take too much time to redo them cards :(

Thought I'd pull it off this year. But again, it's a fail. All we did was skyped and bullied Adi till he ran crying into the bathroom. And to think that he got me a real Harry Potter wand (which, I take out daily to stare obsessively at) this year D: Augh... Someday, perhaps.

Anyway, if you've ever received a birthday gift from me, do know you are very dear to me :)

All my lies

Let me swim in the channels of passion

So that my actions may be driven by love.

Stoked by the fumes of desire, I will step

Out of these smog of loss and confusion

This mist of anger and dissatisfaction

That clouds my eyes and blinds my heart

So that heavy sighs lace all my lies

All my smiles.

Can I not be what I yearn yet still be

What embodies the wishes of ones I care for

Bear the responsibilities they ask of

And fulfill the expectations they have bore.

Show me that the world is gentle and kind

Tender feelings of tolerance and resilience

Bare to me their generosity

If it be a must, let it be even pity.

I cling to such grand notions of liberty

That I know many have fallen prey to.

Mere indulgences of foolish romantics

Where thrive only things of beauty

And odes to our depraved humanity.

With my dreams in the palms of my hands

I offer myself brittle promises

In the face of denial, all my lies made fatal.

Wonderful

What I'd give to enter his world.

World of Mine

With your hand in mine,

I'll paint you a door,

Into a world of mine,

Where the skies are ours to soar.

Gaze into my eyes,

I'll give you the most sincere,

Of smiles and laughter,

Ones that'll last forever.

So come with me,

Leave your worries be,

Your wishes you will find,

In this world of mine.

Deception

Finally, I've submitted my New Zealand university applications yesterday. What a relief. I genuinely felt that stupid knot in between my shoulders loosen a little.

In the end, I decided to apply for what I actually wanted to do. Even if JPA don't allow me to do it overseas, I want to pursue it locally. I'm past caring about what people might think of my choice. It's my life, I'm the one who's going to live it. So that's that. No more second guessing. No more running nightmares. I have had enough.

The search for the self is an agonizing journey that'll most probably last forever and for the first time in my life, I think I've taken the right step. One I steadfastly believe I will not regret having made.

It was not easy at all though. I've considered many many other options. It came to a point that I lost all of my self confidence in making decisions. Whatever's left of it anyway. I mean, I forced myself to believe in so many things, so many times only to eventually find myself in the trenches of despair. Because deep down I know that all of it is just a farce. I tried to fit myself into molds of others' and that was impossible.

All this is a shameful affair really because all those options, not only did I feel like I was lying to myself but also to those kind people that I've sought after in my pursuit of self-deception. I made them belief that I was genuinely interested when I wasn't. Well, not at the level that they think I am anyway.

To make things worse, I really did manage to deceive myself, to an extent that is. I mean,

I was markedly distraught. They have been moments, dark dark moments that I thought that life wasn't worth living. Not at all. Without meaning, without purpose, there is nothing to look forward to. Morbid yes, but let this public confession be the end of such thoughts. Also, I suppose my indecisiveness and apparent interest in various things only goes to prove my ostentation.

Now, I feel revitalized. I'll make this happen. If this doesn't, it'll be the death of me. Which is another reason why this post is so fucking ambiguous really. A cowardly act of self-preservation. In case things don't work out, people wouldn't know. Contradictory to my professed confidence aye? Thing is, I've deceived myself one too many times. This, all this, might be one of such occasion though I certainly hope not.

____________________________________________

Note: The previous Potter post has been 'drafted' for the time being, due to undisclosed reasons. Ehe.

Take off

Where the grass is greener

Another holiday has come to an end. I'd be back in college tomorrow. Trials this coming Monday & I'm ill-prepared. No surprise there. Oh, family's not around. They flew off to Canada last Wednesday. They're gonna stay there til the 28th. So I'm all by myself at home. Sort of. I've two pet cats and the maid of course.

I'm going to have to spend today completing a couple of assignments & try to study some more Biology. Haven't even touch math. Screw math. I'm done with it. I'll have a look at it tomorrow. Perhaps.

I can't wait for it to be November. Get everything over and done with. I've been thinking a lot. About my studies (what a lazy arse I am), future career & just life in general.

It's like I'm in one of those rickety air planes. The engine's revving, or sputtering, if you may. Am on top of a cliff. A beautiful one with endless golden green fields that shimmer under the Sun. Soft winds gently whispering sweet promises of a good flight, beckoning towards an open sky so blue it kind of makes your heart ache with longing. All buckled up, just waiting for myself to pluck up my courage and take off. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know how the weather's going to be like, and most of all, I don't know how long the flight will last. All I know is, I just want to GO!

Get the picture?

Yeah. I like throwing shit like this around. My head is in the clouds. Always.

Now, if only I can make a living out of writing stuff. Because you know, the feeling of 'inspiration' coursing through your veins? Wonderful.

Assurances

Sometimes, pretending not to care is so much harder than pretending that you do. No really. I suppose when you don't mind things, it's easier to just go with whatever.

Enough of that.

The clouds are especially lovely lately. I like it when they are in small little clumps of floss-like bundles. I like em' better that way. When they seem to roll on into a vast expanse of forever, it feels a little claustrophobic. Also, I've only found out that there is no definite boundary between the atmosphere and the universe. The gases just sort of thins out into vacuum out there.

When I walk to college, I either look up or down. Rarely straight ahead. Don't know why. Not that it matters. Anyway, When I look at the sky I like to compare them with the trees and buildings. I like noticing how grossly different they are. It always strikes me that if we have never seen the sky before, there's no way we'd be able to know what it's like. Unimaginable.

Water too. And Fire, of course. Beautiful, beautiful flames. And I always find myself wishing I'm a part of such elements.

Why? Because living is difficult. Life, is difficult. Yes, I am grotesquely ungrateful.

Done. I'm done.

Thinking is tiring. It makes you tire of everything. Nothing else quite like mental fatigue.

Fragmented. That is what I am, at the moment.

In Fear

"Embrace the fear,

Of both Living and Dying,

So you may fill your cup,

With wine of glory and discovery."

I peer over the horizon,

Seeking the truth of my future.

Finding impressions of answers,

I'm glad I'm no seer.

There is value in reveling,

In ignorance to some questions.

This I discover laboriously,

While I stumble along meekly.

Alas, I'm one easily frightened,

By challenges I deem perilous,

For I am petrified by 'Regret',

Of never being able to 'Forget'.

My fear of living a lie,

Is in itself a mockery,

One, I am aware of,

My very own treachery.

left right in the dark

When I get upset I stop thinking about people and start thinking about God, which will ultimately remind me what sort of human scum I am. Start thinking of all the things I ought to do, be able to do, ought not to do, must stop doing.

Bang. A headache. Ones that simply demand you to lie down and wait for sleep to come because it sure as heck ain't gonna pass just like that. Today is one of those days when you just feel utterly defeated as you rapidly descend into the trenches of self-loathing. My vision swam in tears of frustration though I managed not to shed any.

Yeap, Math test.

Left & right. Such simple things. People tell me my dyslexia/dyscalculia isn't that bad so I ought to be able to work through my hang ups if I simply work hard enough.

Well guess what?

They're not fucking dyslexic/dyscalculic. I AM.

Breathe

And I keep listening to these over and over. I've yet to find the sheet music for 'Last Flowers' though. Am too lazy to learn from tutorial videos.

Yorke's haunting voice calms me when the nights seems everlasting. Such times can bring either tranquility or anxiety but most of the time, it's the latter. It does not help when you feel that the time you spend awake, day, noon & night is filled with futility. You can't help but ponder your cold existence. Maybe it's my coughing but it gets that much harder to breathe during such times.

Exit Music (For A Film)

Last Flowers To The Hospital

Because my nights lasts forever,

And my days, infinitely colder.

Relief

Just a moment,

For a second,

Let me believe,

I'll find relief.

Tracing shadows,

Against the wall,

It feels like forever,

Let this be over.

Light my darkened path,

Spare me your wrath,

Tolerate my nuisance,

All I want is significance.

Rationality, practicality,

They satisfy but half of me,

Passion and curiosity,

They petrify the rest of me.

What am I to do,

Speak to me as I'll to you,

Take away my grief,

Ask me to believe.

_________________________________________________

Fragmented and incoherent at best. I'll write what I may.

30th July 2010

Sapere Aude: Dare To be Wise

Finally had my University of Otago interview for placements.

There are things I said that I wish I didn't and there are things I didn't say that I wish I've had. Either way, the things I've said are the things I've said.

My turn, unfortunately, was after Jeffery. Jeffery in his immaculate suit and shiny shoes. Jeffery with his perfect hair and perfect grades. Jefferey who sat right beside Dr. Brunton during the Otago presentation before our writing test and interview. There was an eagerness about him, his eyes practically shone with excitement. Super, super boy.

To be frank, if Jeffery don't make it, then NONE of us will. It was at exactly 10:15A.M when he stood in front of the interview room's door and waited for his turn. The girl before him, the first one to be interviewed, emerged out of the room after 20 minutes, breathless. Or perhaps winded. I can't be sure. She immediately left.

At 10:2oA.M, Dr. Brunton opened the door and Jeffery went in. It was perhaps the most grueling 35 minutes of my life, waiting for my turn. At 10:55A.M sharp, the door swung open and stepped out Jeffery, beaming excitedly. Said that it was very exciting talking to Dr. Brunton. He said some more stuff but I've already tuned the world out by then. He wished me luck and I stood at the exact spot he stood while I waited for my turn. Reciting some zikirs and praying fervently for things to go smoothly.

What is there for me to say? We talked. And of course, the nature of my marks were also discussed. Undoubtedly, he must have drawn comparisons between mine and Jeffery's. Darn.

Anyway, he was a friendly man, Dr Brunton. It was very easy to talk to him. Though it did not, for even a nanosecond, escape my attention how sharp his ice blue eyes were. I'm almost positive that he can read your mind, or see through the back of your head or shoot laser beams at will if he wishes to. That sharp.

I asked Carol how long I was in the interview room. Apparently, I spent a good 30 minutes with Dr. Brunton. We talked about:

- my interests --> Thus, the topic of horse riding arose. (We discussed this quite at length, Dr. Brunton likes to ride too)

- my grades

- my choice of dropping Physics for Malay Studies

- my experience as a team leader

- what I think the word 'health' means

- what special qualities I have that would make Otago want me to study in their dental school

- how I'll manage my prayer times and class

- if I'd feel homesick if I study overseas

(These are the things that I remember anyway.)

A lot of back and forth. The only good indication that I picked up from that friendly exterior and intimidating eyes was that he liked my essays. He expressed interest in them and said that he appreciates the effort I put in them. Pointed out which he parts he liked and stuff.

My downfall of course is my marks. He expressed great concern for them. All I hope for is that he picked up my passion to achieve my ambition of becoming an orthodontist from both my essays and the things that I've said, and will consider my eligibility.

What will be, will be. I've done myself justice and that's what matters most to me.

And, if it weren't for this interview I would not have had the opportunity to visit the Oral Health Division, Ministry of Health Malaysia in Putrajaya. I'd like to express my thanks to Dr. Rashid Baharon (Senior Principal Assistant Director & Dental Public Health Specialist) and Dr. Mustaffa Jaapar (Principal Assistant Director of the Dental Law Enforcement Department) for their kindness. They're both an inspiration to me.

Also, Dr. Dashrilsyah from UPM's health clinic who has helped me to have a very very clear career pathway.

I've the next 15 years of my life all mapped out thanks to these people.

All I can do now, is hope. Should there be a time for miracles, for me it is now.

Face the music

It's tomorrow. I'll either make it or I don't. The only good thing about all this is that tomorrow's a Friday.

To be frank, I feel defeated. Because I found out that the panel will have my semester transcripts with them on the table tomorrow. My mediocre marks on display. I shall be judged and I shan't have an answer for them. There is after all, no excuse for my lack of effort.

It's probably better this way, I'd probably break down if I only find out that they've my transcripts with them on the day itself, which is tomorrow. Egh. What was I expecting anyway? That I'd be able to razzle-dazzle my way through it? The reality of it, took a whole sleepless night to sink in.

But I'm prepared now.

One thing's for sure though, I'll step in with fire in my heart and I'll go out in flames if I have to. If I happen to crash and burn, then so be it.

Inferno

As if laying my neck for the guillotine,

I'll come with my chest cut open,

So you may see my burning heart,

And the passion I house within.

Let tomorrow be the day,

That I'll find solace from the Heavens,

So I may voice my ambitions,

My sky-high aspirations.

It is time like these that I'll shiver,

And tremble in appalling fear,

For an outcome that can undone,

All that I've become.

For tomorrow to come to a past,

There'll be wars of blood red clouds,

Raging the plains of my sleepless thoughts,

I'll seek you out, with my burning heart.

Beyond me

WARNING: It is NOT my intention to diss anybody. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I hope mine does not offend anybody. I've sinned enough.

________________________________________________

And it strikes me how out of touch I am with these...'normal' social settings. I can't grasp them. I find them absolutely unfathomable! albeit in a quite fascinating way, well, occasionally.

It is made clear to me (more so than usual) today that all these obsessions with 'apparels & clothing', 'love', 'relationships', knowing 'who's who', 'who's dating who', 'what happened where a second ago' et cetera what nots, the very things I find mundane and irrelevant are the very things that constitutes of what the average teenager call 'life'.

It seems I've been living in a completely different UNIVERSE. I thought that I'm the Bermuda triangle of their world, you know, invisible but there. But nay!

Not that I'm a total or the only social retard on planet Earth (which, I sometimes ponder deep, down, in the edifices of my solitary mind), I'm just saying I'm not among the masses, the majority.

It make me wonder, what IS it actually that caused this grossly behemoth-like gap? and what exactly it was that ensured my existence remains to be so? Like, was I all that different than the rest when I was 8, 12 or 15?

My family? frends? interests? stuff I watched on tv? read? do, did or did not do?

Either way, by no means am I trying to be condescending. Merely objective while staying true to myself. Normal is good, normal is what is accepted by people. So, yeah.

All this, stemming from another serendipitous ninja-esque discovery of a particular someone's not-so-well-hidden online confessions. And I thought I'm watching you changing, growing. Did not realize you were turning into the archetypal teenager that I know so little about.

I have a feeling its an innate characteristic. An expression of my genotype.

We Are All Lonely Souls

The difference between you and me,

Is that you hunt for charity,

Holding each other up,

While caging yourselves down.

What causes our dissimilarity,

I believe is our degree of inhibition,

You go with what you see,

I go with pure intuition.

But of course even those things differ,

My intuition and yours,

Shaped by our latent urgencies,

Disparaged in our eccentricities.

I wish to compose you an ode,

That would express my tender feelings,

An embodiment of my wish,

To reach for your laureled finishings.

Because between our universe,

Lays the pretty centerpiece,

That decorates these verses;

We are all lonely souls.

P.S: I lost my journal pen again. Yes, I'm trying to de-stress. Am working on my Otago essays. Darn it.

There are no walls, only blindness.

Never satisfied. Never contented. This voracious, rapacious, infinite desire of simply wanting more than what we have.

If we could cure this appetite of Man's, there would be Heaven on Earth.

It's our unique and all-encompassing war of spirituality isn't it? To obey, believe and have faith. Abstinence.

But of course, I'm talking about myself. My margin for error is infinite thus, I achieve naught but mediocrity. It's easy to simply say 'I'm human'. That much, I've learnt.

Though, congruently, sometimes it is better to accept our humbled existence. The future is never ours. Not even the past, sometimes. What we have now is all that we own. To make the future, present is the key.

Strive & Accept. I've met the few people with formidable capacities for both of these. I must try too.

'We are emptiness.'

-Rumi-

in another lifetime

Emotional gratification. I wonder what others do to get some of this. Is it even possible to achieve it all by yourself, like, alone ? I've come to realize that I think the answer is no.

Things that are amusing never lasts long. They'll end up being dull one way or another. Well, they wouldn't stay dull. But you'll tire of it at some point, for a while at least.

Sometimes, a slight nod as an indication of thanks can be rewarding in ways unimaginable. Maybe that's just me.

Helping people feels good. At least it looks like it to me.

But things aren't that simple. Or maybe it IS. What do I know?

All I'm saying is, if you're going to end up doing something for a living, whatever it may be...let it be useful. Let it be something that will benefit others.

I'd like something more direct though.

Maybe I will. Get to it, I mean.

I don't know.

It's just one of those days when the morning breeze feels like magic (always does to me), the falling leaves makes you smile and the clouds in the sky with the Sun shining through them looks like Heaven. A rush of happiness. Then, you'd feel like the last person alive on Earth. Tranquility. You'd be lucky if it stays. Most of the time, as swift as the said breeze it all goes away and you'd realize you're.

Let's not spell it out shall we.