Take off

Where the grass is greener

Another holiday has come to an end. I'd be back in college tomorrow. Trials this coming Monday & I'm ill-prepared. No surprise there. Oh, family's not around. They flew off to Canada last Wednesday. They're gonna stay there til the 28th. So I'm all by myself at home. Sort of. I've two pet cats and the maid of course.

I'm going to have to spend today completing a couple of assignments & try to study some more Biology. Haven't even touch math. Screw math. I'm done with it. I'll have a look at it tomorrow. Perhaps.

I can't wait for it to be November. Get everything over and done with. I've been thinking a lot. About my studies (what a lazy arse I am), future career & just life in general.

It's like I'm in one of those rickety air planes. The engine's revving, or sputtering, if you may. Am on top of a cliff. A beautiful one with endless golden green fields that shimmer under the Sun. Soft winds gently whispering sweet promises of a good flight, beckoning towards an open sky so blue it kind of makes your heart ache with longing. All buckled up, just waiting for myself to pluck up my courage and take off. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know how the weather's going to be like, and most of all, I don't know how long the flight will last. All I know is, I just want to GO!

Get the picture?

Yeah. I like throwing shit like this around. My head is in the clouds. Always.

Now, if only I can make a living out of writing stuff. Because you know, the feeling of 'inspiration' coursing through your veins? Wonderful.

Assurances

Sometimes, pretending not to care is so much harder than pretending that you do. No really. I suppose when you don't mind things, it's easier to just go with whatever.

Enough of that.

The clouds are especially lovely lately. I like it when they are in small little clumps of floss-like bundles. I like em' better that way. When they seem to roll on into a vast expanse of forever, it feels a little claustrophobic. Also, I've only found out that there is no definite boundary between the atmosphere and the universe. The gases just sort of thins out into vacuum out there.

When I walk to college, I either look up or down. Rarely straight ahead. Don't know why. Not that it matters. Anyway, When I look at the sky I like to compare them with the trees and buildings. I like noticing how grossly different they are. It always strikes me that if we have never seen the sky before, there's no way we'd be able to know what it's like. Unimaginable.

Water too. And Fire, of course. Beautiful, beautiful flames. And I always find myself wishing I'm a part of such elements.

Why? Because living is difficult. Life, is difficult. Yes, I am grotesquely ungrateful.

Done. I'm done.

Thinking is tiring. It makes you tire of everything. Nothing else quite like mental fatigue.

Fragmented. That is what I am, at the moment.

A very unreasonable take on being 'reasonable'.

I've figured out what really triggered my lame 'Holden attack'. Y'know, the general 'the world is rotten' disposition.

It's the attack on the Freedom Flotilla and that particular discussion with that particular person, who is no longer an acquaintance of mine.

Really now. I shan't worry my silly little head and try to 'reason' with a person who sees only 'reason', when in fact all that, that person is, is 'blind'.

Because I care.

Thus I try.

And when I fail?

It hurts me.

Thus the mini Holden episode. I try my best to not be pretentious but I'm beginning to feel I may have mistaken 'vulnerability' or, say, 'eagerness' with it.

I'm also beginning to feel that it is not good to be too 'reasonable' because in pursuit of 'objectivity', a degree of 'detachment' which ultimately leads to one becoming 'ineffectual'.

WHICH, ironically, renders the said 'reasonable' person into becoming absolutely, utterly, 'UNreasonable'. Because when you forfeit humanity (which constitutes of feelings of empathy), then all that's left of you is...nothing. A shell.

Constant Vigilance

Pieces of life.

How many times have you been in a predicament and consciously thought, 'this is one of life's challenges' ? I mean usually, we're much too absorbed in the problem itself that no thoughts are spared for the bigger picture. Which is crucial by the way.

To see the bigger picture and remind yourself that it is normal, that it could be overcome, that there are many more ahead, that you need to buck up and steel yourself for it.

I need to stay awake. I don't want to drown in my worries (like last year) and fail to see the bigger picture. Thus, failing myself.

Constant vigilance.