left right in the dark

When I get upset I stop thinking about people and start thinking about God, which will ultimately remind me what sort of human scum I am. Start thinking of all the things I ought to do, be able to do, ought not to do, must stop doing.

Bang. A headache. Ones that simply demand you to lie down and wait for sleep to come because it sure as heck ain't gonna pass just like that. Today is one of those days when you just feel utterly defeated as you rapidly descend into the trenches of self-loathing. My vision swam in tears of frustration though I managed not to shed any.

Yeap, Math test.

Left & right. Such simple things. People tell me my dyslexia/dyscalculia isn't that bad so I ought to be able to work through my hang ups if I simply work hard enough.

Well guess what?

They're not fucking dyslexic/dyscalculic. I AM.

Dyslexia & Me

Yeap, that's me alright.

I'm tired. It's that wall again. That damned wall that ALWAYS gets at me.

Yes, It's Maths, as usual. When I get frustrated, things just don't compute no matter how hard I try. It's true, it's like I'd stare at some sort of equation and I see it and all, but it stops there. The 'sense' of the workings that's supposed to come with it is, just. NOT. THERE. This has always been my achilles' heel since, like I don't know, forever?

Oh I can still remember back then when I can't even read or write properly. Felt like a retard, hated school. Positively hated anything that had to do with 'learning'. I threw a fit or a tantrum whenever my mom asked me to study. I'm absolutely grateful that the reading/writing hell was a phase I could get over. Looking back now, it is kinda funny but it sure was NOT funny back then.

Like, I pronounced everything in a jumbled kind of way. 'Battery' was 'Brattey', 'Animals' was 'Aminals', 'Pencen' was 'Cenpen'. Letters were hard too. 'b' and 'd', 'p' and 'q' and all that nonsense. They looked like squiggles really.

I liked stories. I liked how there was a film playing in my mind when my parents read me bedtime stories which got me to love to read. I suppose when you read a lot, the problem just sort itself out. Not that I was terribly dyslexic in the first place. We, my older brother and I are only mildly dyslexic. Adi, the youngest only has it when he's little, he's a really smart kid. Way smarter than us haha. I'm pretty sure this thing runs in the family, dad has it (I think he's a brilliant man BECAUSE he's dyslexic :P), we had it. Hopefully our kids won't have it so bad =.= ahaha.

I'll always remember this most though, I was in standard two, and we had to write this short composition for BM. I handed mine to the teacher, she took a look at it and chucked my book across the classroom. Pretty dramatic. Boy was I freaked out. Didn't want to go to school the next day. See, what got her mad was:

- I wrote the composition from right to left (like Jawi).

- The letters are ALL jumbled. In some word they were in mirror images of the original one and sometimes they're not.

The teacher thought I was making fun of her. *sigh*

One more thing, I'll tell you a secret. All these spelling problem actually came back! when I type out sms-es. Yeah, freaked me out big time. Discovered this when I first got a cellphone. I tried to text a friend of mine and found that I couldn't spell. Jeez. But it was temporary. I think it's jus because I wasn't used to it. Ehehe.

As for sekolah agama? Haha. I SUCKED at it REAL bad. I studied with kids a year younger than me because I was that stupid. But really, I couldn't even get the roman letters right and they wanted me to get the jawi right? In which they looked a helluva lot more similar??? Hell no, I couldn't do it. There was 'sod' & 'do', 'tho' & 'zho', 'ba' & 'ta', 'ra' & 'zai'...etc etc. ENDLESS squiggles that looked INCREDIBLY alike.

I excelled in Sirah but screwed up Arabic. Failed it always. Jawi was bad enough then there's Arab! A whole nother language! when I couldn't even process my own mother tongue! HA HA HA. It piss me off even now actually. Egh.

Oh, there was 'Left' and 'Right' too. It did not make sense AT ALL to me at first. Haha. They were just 'one way or the other, what did it matter?' I can get these down correctly now though it remains that I've 0 directional skills. Ask anybody who's close to me and they'd concur. I get lost at school for god's sake. I never got to pin point which lab was which in high school. *shrugs*

And now, MATHS. The times table was my arch enemy. The sight of those 'X's between them numbers just screamed 'WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!' to me. I lost count of how many times I had to stand in class, or get a whack on the palm or get yelled at. It wasn't pleasant at all.

No, it ISn't pleasant at all. Not was. I still suck at maths. Maths is like art gone wrong to me. There's all these pretty shapes in it, but there's a language in the picture. One I can never master. It's a pity really. And yes yes, I've a math test coming, that's why I'm venting. I'm having one of my gazillion mental blocks when I try to study maths, but I can't, so I get frustrated and here I am. Hah.

P.S: It'd be way cool if I'm like Percy Jackson who's a demi-god and am hard wired for ancient greek. Hahaha. That's a nice fantasy take on being dyslexic! For those who saw the movie, the parts where it showed how Percy couldn't read and the words started shifting around? That's so not true! haha. It'd be kinda cool if that really does happen...at least it'll be entertaining.

Sunburnt

I've a math test next Monday. Naturally it puts me on edge. I haven't started studying, YET. Not really anyway. I want to and I have, a little. Just that I can't seem to focus properly. Egh.

I'm all muddled up.

That aside, I'm still writing. I'm quite determined this time. I suppose when your future seems to always hang by a thread its easier to focus on abstract things. Keeps your mind off of things. I'm prone to be anxious, writing helps.

Oh, Adi went to the pool today. Hahaha...he was supposed to start swimming classes tomorrow or something. That is, before today when he went swimming (not a class just regular swimming) and discovered that he turned a shade darker and totally freaked out.

Adi: Adi hitam ke?! Mama, adi tak nak swimming dah la!

Total princess ain't he? haha. He got real mad when I made fun of him a little. I won't anymore though ehe =.=' it's not good for his confidence. I've realised that. I should stop my sadistic ways, he's growing up now.

okay, HAHA. This happended a few secs ago.

Me: Betul ke adi tak nak swimming? Kak yana rase adi dah jadik putih balik.

Adi: Ye la adi swimming balik. Bile nak pergi?

See? Told you I'd stop being sadistic. Though it's a total lie that he's back to his normal skin tone after a few hours. Pffftt.

Black Sheep

Got C for my FIRST math Quiz. It is LOADS better than last sem's but I, am STILL, a BELOW average maths student. *feels like cussing* I'm a math retard, I need to fix this quick. I'll work HARDER for an A. I can do it, I know I can. *glares at her maths test paper* *feels the urge to hit her head against the wall* Damn.

Egh, that aside. I'm doing okay I suppose. Nothing much happened* I'm on a relatively good terms with everybody, not that I ever get into fights anyway, which is kinda impossible for me since I limit social interactions to a minimum.

Anyway, I think my new classmates seem to have figured out that I'm a loner haha. I don't 'flock' with anybody, I'm unaffliated (I actually wrote a poem bout this but I deem it much too revealing of me to post it :S), the black sheep that bleats at a different pitch (damn, well, that's actually part of the poem...). Egh. I'm fine with it being this way, but it's quite a shock when sometimes the thought that I'm actually spending most of my time in my head hits me with such clarity. It's a little disarming, that's all.

What else? Oh, I had my chemistry test last NIGHT. Yeah, it's horrendous to spend 14 hours straight in class/halls etc. I think I did ok but I knew I did not perform at a level I expected I'm capable of. That of course, left me with that familiar and nasty feeling of 'inadequacy'. When you have expectations without the effort and preparation to back it up, expect to be disappointed. Merely one of the life's rules that I often contemplate in my abundance of 'living in my head' sessions.

Quizzes and tests aside, Chinese New Year break starts in 2 days. I'm going to work hard on my maths this holiday. I also plan to wash my car, bathe my cats and maybe go for a movie or something but mostly, I plan to study.

Oh yeah, Ain is flying off this Sunday. Yeap, the time has come for her to flip the page and enter a new chapter of her life as a university student. It gets me thinking, a lot. Which makes me anxious of course. Contemplating future related things ALWAYS makes me anxious. I fret on my bad maths marks mostly, and the shaky possibility of me getting a good TER to fly to New Zealand and do a degree in Dental Surgery (University of Otago, Dunedin, NZ).

I'm also reading Dostoevsky (or Dostoyevsky)'s The Brothers Karamazov. Borrowed it from Mai. The book has an odd scent (yes, I sniff the books I read), the usual yellowed paper scent with a hint of something sharp. I don't know, it keeps flitting in my head that it smells...'sharp' when I read it. It also has traces of what appears to be talcum powder haha. Entahla, barang kepunyaan Maisarah, siapa yang tahu bukan? Mungkin pernah disembur racun lipas :P Jk jk.

I've only read 4 chapters, so far it is highly interesting. It's been a while since I read such thought provoking works. To top it off, the guy is apparently, arguably one of the best authors to have lived and The Brothers Karamazov is his last work, also considered his greatest. It gives your mind something to chew, doesn't it?

That's it really. I've nothing more that I wish to elaborate on. Bye.

_________________________________________________

* - Besides me taking a whole week off for a mini family reunion in Melbourne, Australia 16/1 - 1/2. We watched tennis. It was epic. Something I'd like to keep in my private thoughts. Some things are simply that precious to me.