I am here right now, at this particular moment because for no apparent reason I suddenly feel incredibly alone. No, it hasn't got to do with me being back in college. I'm done with homesickness. I feel nothing.
I'm parched and somewhat disturbed though generally comfortable but most of all I feel...deserted. I've no idea why. No, I'm lying. The impetus of this sudden and obnoxiously 'empty' feeling is. Of course, how can I possibly type that out. I consider myself sort of well-adjusted with enough tact (when it comes to dealing with other people) though I'm most certainly not socially apt enough to appear as a 'social' person. I always have been and always will be a loner. Probably.
I do notice, by far, how most people I've met recently find my silent presence companionable. So far 4 people out of, hmm I think around 12 people who've sat beside since I start college laid their heads on my shoulder. We barely know each other. I don't really talk all that much with strangers. Yet they're comfortable enough to express such an affectionate gesture. On all of these occasions I distinctly remember thinking:
"Physical contact...I don't even know you. But if it makes you feel better...It's fine I suppose. Still, I find this very awkward. Don't you? *glances at the particular person* Guess not."
Hmm...but then again perhaps such things are normal after all. What do I know?
I am most definitely not fond of large crowds. Crowds make me think of 'Clutter'. They clutter my eyes, my ears, my mind. To me, a 15 people is a crowd, heck 6 is a crowd too. 5 is somewhat crowded. 3 is ideal. 2 is, personal, intimate. Mind you, all these numbers is me included.
I like to let my mind wander. When I go to the mall which isn't my favourite place obviously (which I usually only go to in order to purchase books or catch a movie) I like to observe things and think of the details. Fleeting and little intricacies fascinate me. Say, if I see an old man buy a flower from a gift shop, or a book perhaps, I would contemplate the reason of his purchase.
"Is it a gift? or is it for himself? is he alone? why did he pick that book? or that flower? Why that colour anyway? what does he do for a living? Is he healthy?...etc."
Most people would probably categorize this sort of behaviour as 'nonsensical and utterly useless'. But hey, if it amuses me, who are they to judge me? I live in this time, in which the world is wrought with 'personal needs/demands', my fleeting thoughts of others might actually do some good. Haha. Yes, yes I'm justifying my queer (or not so queer) little hobby.
Are you catching up? I am lonely. I've felt this way quite a few years now. No, I'm not that lonely. I have some friends and a great family. But I have yet to feel the connection. Someone who truly understands. Naive I am not, I know most people probably feel this way.
To be confided in,
to be trusted,
to be missed,
to...matter.
Whispers nought can hear.
Oh God who is All knowing and Forgiving, I am, merely human.
3 comments:
hmmm....
do you feel like you prefer being alone than to have company...
but at times...
you saw other people with company...
like when you're having lunch or hanging out at a particular mall or something....
that fact kinda make you feel like crap and you're starting to pity yourself...
because you somehow realised that you're not fulfilling the social contract...
few moments later...
you shook that feelings away...
and tell yourself that it's nothing...
all I need is just me, myself, and I...
if you do feel that way...
I tell you...
somehow...
the planets managed to allign themselves...
a mega huge gigantic star just exploded to become a supermassive black hole...
and we were they to see it...
because girl, I feel that way all the time...
and i turned out fine...
(pumping shotgun sound in the background)
lol...
Potsie, I just realized this post existed. Lol.
You've yet to feel the connection? Heck, sometimes I myself don't see myself in you at all.
I don't know what you seek in a friend anyway. Having the same line of thought? Having the same madness with the catcher in the rye? Sometimes we seek to minimize the difference between a friend with another, and try to find the one most likely similar to yourself but in truth, such person will never actually exist at all. This I've realized.
I always feel lonely. Even when I'm surrounded by 5 people who crowd me to know how did my date with whatever guy go.
But potsie, in the end, all you need is yourself, because not everyone can be trusted. some time after you start reaching out (socializing), you'd realize that everyone tries to be nice to each other without actually telling the truth and all. Yep, obeying the social contract. These people will never ever understand and get to know each other and have true friends for the remainder of their lives.
That being said, lemme tell you something cool. I always love to have one on one conversation with people, usually to get to know em, (only with interesting people la),and we'd talk about almost anything, not in a general conversation kinda thing, but heavy heavy stuff either about his runaway brother, or how she feels everyone is a damn hypocrite, and all those kinda stuff. Heck he or she would probably tell you his some dark secret and all. When you people are done talking, it feels absolutely great and you'd feel not so lonely anymore. There's no trying to be decent between any of you. And somehow, that conversation would be the most memorable thing between the both of you.
But I don't know. I choose people to talk with, when I feel they have issues they'd never tell anyone. Because I'm never a decent person.
haha panjangnye menulis... pot, don't feel so lonely anymore I'll try to talk to you more often. -___- it's just that some people are ashamed of what they have became when old friends come to haunt them. haha.
Aiman - Indeed, the stars have aligned :P
Mai - See yourself in me? Ahaha, there are things I don't tell anybody, not even you. Lol. I haunt you? God, YOU haunt me. =__=;
But thanks anyway :) Let us not grow up and be 'un-wise' forever. Dila does not approve of 'un-wise-ness'. ^_^;
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