in another lifetime

Emotional gratification. I wonder what others do to get some of this. Is it even possible to achieve it all by yourself, like, alone ? I've come to realize that I think the answer is no.

Things that are amusing never lasts long. They'll end up being dull one way or another. Well, they wouldn't stay dull. But you'll tire of it at some point, for a while at least.

Sometimes, a slight nod as an indication of thanks can be rewarding in ways unimaginable. Maybe that's just me.

Helping people feels good. At least it looks like it to me.

But things aren't that simple. Or maybe it IS. What do I know?

All I'm saying is, if you're going to end up doing something for a living, whatever it may be...let it be useful. Let it be something that will benefit others.

I'd like something more direct though.

Maybe I will. Get to it, I mean.

I don't know.

It's just one of those days when the morning breeze feels like magic (always does to me), the falling leaves makes you smile and the clouds in the sky with the Sun shining through them looks like Heaven. A rush of happiness. Then, you'd feel like the last person alive on Earth. Tranquility. You'd be lucky if it stays. Most of the time, as swift as the said breeze it all goes away and you'd realize you're.

Let's not spell it out shall we.

My Banal Realities

As if walking upon a dream,

Whence sleep is dancing,

With my hours of waking;

How cloyingly sweet they seem.

My futile elucidations,

To clarify my silly predicaments,

As if to reassure and reaffirm,

My banal realities.

Never cross those lines,

So prettily put and juxtaposed,

A barrier between dreams,

And sordid whims.

Put my mind at rest,

I can't;

Thus I keep on pondering,

My banal realities.

Omniscient

We are defined by the choices we make in life and man unfortunately (or fortunately, perhaps) are creatures of habit. We are defined by an innate pattern of reactions and responses to our environment. This, we call identity. A sense of self.

But of course man aren't that simple. A breach of our consistency occurs time and again. A relapse into other selves within us. These minority of selves are smothered by the dominant 'I', our most consistent pattern of behaviour.

All these are good. It makes man reliable, efficient, productive, predictable though ultimately, dull. I'm in a particularly existential mood this afternoon. Not that it matters much. All I'm saying is, I don't find people dull. Not always.

Then there's Fate.

What we do, one way or another will end up being the way that it is, was, will be. Does that not render these so called 'choices' we make only illusionary? Since, things are already ordained to be the way that they are & the choices that we make are deigned to be so. Not only it questions the extent of free will, it also suggests that Man are who they are because they simply are.

Of course, I'm perfectly aware that this does not, by any chance, give leeway to complacency, making it permissible. Complacency is bad. It does no good. It does nothing. Particularly so when certain circumstances requires a dire need of attention and appropriate measures to be taken.

After some reflections, I believe it's just one of the human things people do. Being non-omniscient, we...well, I wanted something...concrete. A sign. Just, something. Anything.

Enough, enough.

I'm just sore and disappointed due to a certain something that involves one of my apparent 'alternatives' being null. It is not meant to be. Still, when you give way to hope and expectations, disappointments are inevitable.

All this, whatever it is, is an accumulation of mixed feelings, shit I read & one pleasing and joyful although non-fruitful act of prayer.

Thus, I'm at a fork in the road. 'Middle earth', 'Home soil' or 'Half & half'. What will it be?

Frozen.

I left my green book and favourite journal pen at home. It's driving me bananas.

I'm frozen. Positively so. I find myself in constant immobility much too often these days. Absence of a will. Everything blurs into mindless actions. Mechanical. And I ain't even a well oiled machine.

It's difficult. And you wonder if this state of suspension is deigned to be so. What is free will anyway. I don't know. Nobody knows. Probably fictional I assume. To an extent, that is. But really almost EVRYTHING is SOMETHING to an extent.

A banana is yellow, to an extent (it has brown spots on it too y'know). It is cylindrical, to an extent.

How tiresome.

Where's the exit?

The clocks are ticking,

Time's awasting,

I'm not asking you to wait,

I'm not asking you to leave,

Just please tell me,

Where's the exit?

Soles running down,

Souls are gonna drown,

I'm not pleading for a chance,

I'm not asking for redemption,

Just please tell me,

Where's my direction?

The Sun is setting,

The fun is ending,

I'm not looking for pity,

I do not want a lift,

Just please tell me,

When may I leave?

All I'm looking for is an exit,

A means of an escape,

A direction for a leaving,

So that I may be at peace,

No longer dead,

Amongst the living.

Nevermind

Because in the end there's only you, yourself and nobody else. So why bother?

To be with Him is to be with everyone. It will be enough.

I just need some strength and a lot of guidance.

The beginning of the end

What a way to start July. Oh so bleak.

Today, there was the Otago University Placement briefing by SELSET.

Get this:

There are only 2 placements MAX for Dentistry students.

There's five of us. Do the math. Mrs. Carol from SELSET explicitly told us to look for alternatives. It was a shock alright. NOBODY ever told us there're only 2 placements.

Then I asked her if this meant that the remaining three of us are doomed? (Of course I didn't word the question like this. I'm not completely tactless...). And she pretty much said "Yes." And what's more, it is subtly but very discreetly implied that there is even the possibility that NONE of us will get placed.

I was surprised but it ain't the numb-f**k-just-shoot-me-now kind of shock I felt when JPA rejected my PILN shoclarship application (before my successful appeal, that is).

I can't imagine what the other 4 students who share this bleak prospects were going through. I mean, I'm pretty much resigned since I started scouring the net for the said 'alternatives' (that being IMU's promising twinning programme). I mean, why would I be planning a plan B if I wasn't sure that plan A is going to the dogs aite?

But these other 4 students...I'm pretty sure they're the go-getter types with excellent results. Okay, make that 3. I already know what sort of insane test results one of them always score. It must have felt like a shot straight to the heart...or face, I believe. I feel sorry for them (I'm done with feeling sorry for myself). They don't deserve this. It's unjustified to spring this onto us. It is OUR oblivion-like impending doom, it ought to be OUR right to know of it earlier at least.

Then again, this is life we're talking about. When is life, ever justified? Never.

Not to mention the interviews. We shall be interviewed by Uni Otago's Dean of Dental School himself. We need to prepare 4 essays to submit to him on 30th July. On the same day, we'll be having a writing test and an interview. And oh, a presentation that we need to attend. Stressful much? Heck yeah.

At this stage, all this is absolutely mechanical to me. Just going through the motions. I've been this numb since sem 2. Of no feeling whatsoever.

Dentistry was absurd in the first place. But all this? Is a whole new level of absurdity. I shan't debate this no more. The futility of it only aggravates me more. Enough.

Hello, July. Be gentle. Keep me alive.