30th July 2010

Sapere Aude: Dare To be Wise

Finally had my University of Otago interview for placements.

There are things I said that I wish I didn't and there are things I didn't say that I wish I've had. Either way, the things I've said are the things I've said.

My turn, unfortunately, was after Jeffery. Jeffery in his immaculate suit and shiny shoes. Jeffery with his perfect hair and perfect grades. Jefferey who sat right beside Dr. Brunton during the Otago presentation before our writing test and interview. There was an eagerness about him, his eyes practically shone with excitement. Super, super boy.

To be frank, if Jeffery don't make it, then NONE of us will. It was at exactly 10:15A.M when he stood in front of the interview room's door and waited for his turn. The girl before him, the first one to be interviewed, emerged out of the room after 20 minutes, breathless. Or perhaps winded. I can't be sure. She immediately left.

At 10:2oA.M, Dr. Brunton opened the door and Jeffery went in. It was perhaps the most grueling 35 minutes of my life, waiting for my turn. At 10:55A.M sharp, the door swung open and stepped out Jeffery, beaming excitedly. Said that it was very exciting talking to Dr. Brunton. He said some more stuff but I've already tuned the world out by then. He wished me luck and I stood at the exact spot he stood while I waited for my turn. Reciting some zikirs and praying fervently for things to go smoothly.

What is there for me to say? We talked. And of course, the nature of my marks were also discussed. Undoubtedly, he must have drawn comparisons between mine and Jeffery's. Darn.

Anyway, he was a friendly man, Dr Brunton. It was very easy to talk to him. Though it did not, for even a nanosecond, escape my attention how sharp his ice blue eyes were. I'm almost positive that he can read your mind, or see through the back of your head or shoot laser beams at will if he wishes to. That sharp.

I asked Carol how long I was in the interview room. Apparently, I spent a good 30 minutes with Dr. Brunton. We talked about:

- my interests --> Thus, the topic of horse riding arose. (We discussed this quite at length, Dr. Brunton likes to ride too)

- my grades

- my choice of dropping Physics for Malay Studies

- my experience as a team leader

- what I think the word 'health' means

- what special qualities I have that would make Otago want me to study in their dental school

- how I'll manage my prayer times and class

- if I'd feel homesick if I study overseas

(These are the things that I remember anyway.)

A lot of back and forth. The only good indication that I picked up from that friendly exterior and intimidating eyes was that he liked my essays. He expressed interest in them and said that he appreciates the effort I put in them. Pointed out which he parts he liked and stuff.

My downfall of course is my marks. He expressed great concern for them. All I hope for is that he picked up my passion to achieve my ambition of becoming an orthodontist from both my essays and the things that I've said, and will consider my eligibility.

What will be, will be. I've done myself justice and that's what matters most to me.

And, if it weren't for this interview I would not have had the opportunity to visit the Oral Health Division, Ministry of Health Malaysia in Putrajaya. I'd like to express my thanks to Dr. Rashid Baharon (Senior Principal Assistant Director & Dental Public Health Specialist) and Dr. Mustaffa Jaapar (Principal Assistant Director of the Dental Law Enforcement Department) for their kindness. They're both an inspiration to me.

Also, Dr. Dashrilsyah from UPM's health clinic who has helped me to have a very very clear career pathway.

I've the next 15 years of my life all mapped out thanks to these people.

All I can do now, is hope. Should there be a time for miracles, for me it is now.

Face the music

It's tomorrow. I'll either make it or I don't. The only good thing about all this is that tomorrow's a Friday.

To be frank, I feel defeated. Because I found out that the panel will have my semester transcripts with them on the table tomorrow. My mediocre marks on display. I shall be judged and I shan't have an answer for them. There is after all, no excuse for my lack of effort.

It's probably better this way, I'd probably break down if I only find out that they've my transcripts with them on the day itself, which is tomorrow. Egh. What was I expecting anyway? That I'd be able to razzle-dazzle my way through it? The reality of it, took a whole sleepless night to sink in.

But I'm prepared now.

One thing's for sure though, I'll step in with fire in my heart and I'll go out in flames if I have to. If I happen to crash and burn, then so be it.

Inferno

As if laying my neck for the guillotine,

I'll come with my chest cut open,

So you may see my burning heart,

And the passion I house within.

Let tomorrow be the day,

That I'll find solace from the Heavens,

So I may voice my ambitions,

My sky-high aspirations.

It is time like these that I'll shiver,

And tremble in appalling fear,

For an outcome that can undone,

All that I've become.

For tomorrow to come to a past,

There'll be wars of blood red clouds,

Raging the plains of my sleepless thoughts,

I'll seek you out, with my burning heart.

Struggling to remember

Because this deserve a post by itself. Jules trying to remember his song, 11th Dimension on an accoustic quitar for the deluxe box set DVD or something.

We've never seen Jules play a guitar before. So this is front page news for Strokes/Jules fandom. Fret not, I shan't mar this post with that particular 4 lettered word, which starts with an 'E' and ends with a 'C'. Ehe.

No additional commentary is needed regarding Jules' ever beatific countenance. He's just made like that. The Adonis of garage, underground, (whatever you want to call it) rock. The studded guitar strap is very characteristic of Jules innit? Heh.

AND he hasn't got any shades on. Thank goodness for that. Oh, that treble clef tattoo on his right wrist can be seen very clearly in this vid. Yes, yes, the wedding band, the eternally haloed metal ring forever embracing that finger of his. This never escapes attention, ever.

You can only imagine my reaction to all this...this, guitar playing. His hands. Gah, my obsession with pretty hands and fingers. Overdose! I wish Dila can watch this. She'd understand.

This post is escalating into mindless fangirl gushing.

I shall refrain.

Thus, here. The MV for 11th Dimension. Once again.

P.S: That last little laugh in that acoustic whatnot is simply precious.

Beyond me

WARNING: It is NOT my intention to diss anybody. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I hope mine does not offend anybody. I've sinned enough.

________________________________________________

And it strikes me how out of touch I am with these...'normal' social settings. I can't grasp them. I find them absolutely unfathomable! albeit in a quite fascinating way, well, occasionally.

It is made clear to me (more so than usual) today that all these obsessions with 'apparels & clothing', 'love', 'relationships', knowing 'who's who', 'who's dating who', 'what happened where a second ago' et cetera what nots, the very things I find mundane and irrelevant are the very things that constitutes of what the average teenager call 'life'.

It seems I've been living in a completely different UNIVERSE. I thought that I'm the Bermuda triangle of their world, you know, invisible but there. But nay!

Not that I'm a total or the only social retard on planet Earth (which, I sometimes ponder deep, down, in the edifices of my solitary mind), I'm just saying I'm not among the masses, the majority.

It make me wonder, what IS it actually that caused this grossly behemoth-like gap? and what exactly it was that ensured my existence remains to be so? Like, was I all that different than the rest when I was 8, 12 or 15?

My family? frends? interests? stuff I watched on tv? read? do, did or did not do?

Either way, by no means am I trying to be condescending. Merely objective while staying true to myself. Normal is good, normal is what is accepted by people. So, yeah.

All this, stemming from another serendipitous ninja-esque discovery of a particular someone's not-so-well-hidden online confessions. And I thought I'm watching you changing, growing. Did not realize you were turning into the archetypal teenager that I know so little about.

I have a feeling its an innate characteristic. An expression of my genotype.

We Are All Lonely Souls

The difference between you and me,

Is that you hunt for charity,

Holding each other up,

While caging yourselves down.

What causes our dissimilarity,

I believe is our degree of inhibition,

You go with what you see,

I go with pure intuition.

But of course even those things differ,

My intuition and yours,

Shaped by our latent urgencies,

Disparaged in our eccentricities.

I wish to compose you an ode,

That would express my tender feelings,

An embodiment of my wish,

To reach for your laureled finishings.

Because between our universe,

Lays the pretty centerpiece,

That decorates these verses;

We are all lonely souls.

P.S: I lost my journal pen again. Yes, I'm trying to de-stress. Am working on my Otago essays. Darn it.

Kino hebat

The Donnie Darko Book by Richard Kelly (the Director)

RM54.60

Frank & Donnie

They Made Me Do It

'The Philosophy of Time Travel'

Yeaaahhhh. Finally, got my hands on this. Kinokuniya hebat.

If you ever feel like ordering books that aren't available in Malaysia, do e-mail kino. They don't charge for shipping.

All you have to do is e-mail kino the details of the book you want to order (A link from Amazon.com will do) and Kino'll tell you how much it'll cost and how much deposit is needed (I paid RM30). They'll also issue you an order number and ask you for your contact details. To pay the deposit, go to the customer service and tell them your order number. Easy peasy.

There are no walls, only blindness.

Never satisfied. Never contented. This voracious, rapacious, infinite desire of simply wanting more than what we have.

If we could cure this appetite of Man's, there would be Heaven on Earth.

It's our unique and all-encompassing war of spirituality isn't it? To obey, believe and have faith. Abstinence.

But of course, I'm talking about myself. My margin for error is infinite thus, I achieve naught but mediocrity. It's easy to simply say 'I'm human'. That much, I've learnt.

Though, congruently, sometimes it is better to accept our humbled existence. The future is never ours. Not even the past, sometimes. What we have now is all that we own. To make the future, present is the key.

Strive & Accept. I've met the few people with formidable capacities for both of these. I must try too.

'We are emptiness.'

-Rumi-

You, my violin.

I'll play you like a violin,

So you'll sing me your heart songs,

Melodies of secrets within,

A symphony of intimacy.

Sonatas fit for Angels,

They'll cry tears of rapture,

Your voice is a blessing,

Even a bee would stop to ponder.

I'll play you like a violin,

So you'll sing me our tales,

Of tracing each other's smiles,

And falling, into each other's eyes.

Sing me your dreams,

I'll play to your wishes,

Hold not your whims,

I'll spare you my kisses.

May your strings never break,

And my fingers never tire,

The violin and the player,

For now, we're together.

Hey, Sancho.

"For thou must know, Sancho, a mouth without teeth is like a mill without a millstone, and a tooth is much more to be prized than a diamond;"

- Don Quixote -

Hopefully, with a renewed passion burning within me I shall grasp what I've dreamt of achieving. With diligence and Allah's will may there be space for me to spread my wings of potential.

I believe.

Albear Camoo

For the first time in my life, a math pop quiz sheet elicited emotions akin to that of affection or happiness. Haha.

See, my math lecturer likes to put quotes from famous people at the end of her pop quiz question sheet and today's pop quiz had a quote from dearest Albert Camus! The French essayist, novelist and playwright.

The said quote being:

"Some people talk in their sleep, lecturers talk while other people sleep."

My heartbeat raced a little and I waited for the right moment to tell her, my lecturer that I've read a book by said Mr. Camus and really like her little quotes. Alas, I never got round to it. I even thought of asking her if she's read any of Camus' works but I didn't dare to. I'm pretty sure I'd be disappointed so I'd rather not ask. *sigh*

Anyway, thanks to the quote I was distracted for a good 2 to 3 minutes during the poop quiz. Ehehe. Ah, well.

P.S: Since Albert Camus is French, you pronounce his name as Albear Camoo. I discovered this from watching Youth In Revolt (2009) a couple of nights ago. Sketched Albear Camoo the dog from the movie in my journal heh.

Screaming in the Dark

No, we're not dancing,

We are screaming,

In mirthless angst,

And passionate fury.

Hear our calls of anger,

Heed our calls of prayer,

Screaming in the dark,

Oh, hark.

We shall not pipe down,

Not til morning light,

We shall not calm down,

Not til there's a fight.

Shed your hypocrisy,

We can tell, you're a sissy,

Join us if you dare,

We'll give you a scare.

Because we're screaming,

And you're dancing,

Because we're in the dark,

And you're in the ark.

in another lifetime

Emotional gratification. I wonder what others do to get some of this. Is it even possible to achieve it all by yourself, like, alone ? I've come to realize that I think the answer is no.

Things that are amusing never lasts long. They'll end up being dull one way or another. Well, they wouldn't stay dull. But you'll tire of it at some point, for a while at least.

Sometimes, a slight nod as an indication of thanks can be rewarding in ways unimaginable. Maybe that's just me.

Helping people feels good. At least it looks like it to me.

But things aren't that simple. Or maybe it IS. What do I know?

All I'm saying is, if you're going to end up doing something for a living, whatever it may be...let it be useful. Let it be something that will benefit others.

I'd like something more direct though.

Maybe I will. Get to it, I mean.

I don't know.

It's just one of those days when the morning breeze feels like magic (always does to me), the falling leaves makes you smile and the clouds in the sky with the Sun shining through them looks like Heaven. A rush of happiness. Then, you'd feel like the last person alive on Earth. Tranquility. You'd be lucky if it stays. Most of the time, as swift as the said breeze it all goes away and you'd realize you're.

Let's not spell it out shall we.

My Banal Realities

As if walking upon a dream,

Whence sleep is dancing,

With my hours of waking;

How cloyingly sweet they seem.

My futile elucidations,

To clarify my silly predicaments,

As if to reassure and reaffirm,

My banal realities.

Never cross those lines,

So prettily put and juxtaposed,

A barrier between dreams,

And sordid whims.

Put my mind at rest,

I can't;

Thus I keep on pondering,

My banal realities.

Omniscient

We are defined by the choices we make in life and man unfortunately (or fortunately, perhaps) are creatures of habit. We are defined by an innate pattern of reactions and responses to our environment. This, we call identity. A sense of self.

But of course man aren't that simple. A breach of our consistency occurs time and again. A relapse into other selves within us. These minority of selves are smothered by the dominant 'I', our most consistent pattern of behaviour.

All these are good. It makes man reliable, efficient, productive, predictable though ultimately, dull. I'm in a particularly existential mood this afternoon. Not that it matters much. All I'm saying is, I don't find people dull. Not always.

Then there's Fate.

What we do, one way or another will end up being the way that it is, was, will be. Does that not render these so called 'choices' we make only illusionary? Since, things are already ordained to be the way that they are & the choices that we make are deigned to be so. Not only it questions the extent of free will, it also suggests that Man are who they are because they simply are.

Of course, I'm perfectly aware that this does not, by any chance, give leeway to complacency, making it permissible. Complacency is bad. It does no good. It does nothing. Particularly so when certain circumstances requires a dire need of attention and appropriate measures to be taken.

After some reflections, I believe it's just one of the human things people do. Being non-omniscient, we...well, I wanted something...concrete. A sign. Just, something. Anything.

Enough, enough.

I'm just sore and disappointed due to a certain something that involves one of my apparent 'alternatives' being null. It is not meant to be. Still, when you give way to hope and expectations, disappointments are inevitable.

All this, whatever it is, is an accumulation of mixed feelings, shit I read & one pleasing and joyful although non-fruitful act of prayer.

Thus, I'm at a fork in the road. 'Middle earth', 'Home soil' or 'Half & half'. What will it be?

Frozen.

I left my green book and favourite journal pen at home. It's driving me bananas.

I'm frozen. Positively so. I find myself in constant immobility much too often these days. Absence of a will. Everything blurs into mindless actions. Mechanical. And I ain't even a well oiled machine.

It's difficult. And you wonder if this state of suspension is deigned to be so. What is free will anyway. I don't know. Nobody knows. Probably fictional I assume. To an extent, that is. But really almost EVRYTHING is SOMETHING to an extent.

A banana is yellow, to an extent (it has brown spots on it too y'know). It is cylindrical, to an extent.

How tiresome.

Where's the exit?

The clocks are ticking,

Time's awasting,

I'm not asking you to wait,

I'm not asking you to leave,

Just please tell me,

Where's the exit?

Soles running down,

Souls are gonna drown,

I'm not pleading for a chance,

I'm not asking for redemption,

Just please tell me,

Where's my direction?

The Sun is setting,

The fun is ending,

I'm not looking for pity,

I do not want a lift,

Just please tell me,

When may I leave?

All I'm looking for is an exit,

A means of an escape,

A direction for a leaving,

So that I may be at peace,

No longer dead,

Amongst the living.

Nevermind

Because in the end there's only you, yourself and nobody else. So why bother?

To be with Him is to be with everyone. It will be enough.

I just need some strength and a lot of guidance.

The beginning of the end

What a way to start July. Oh so bleak.

Today, there was the Otago University Placement briefing by SELSET.

Get this:

There are only 2 placements MAX for Dentistry students.

There's five of us. Do the math. Mrs. Carol from SELSET explicitly told us to look for alternatives. It was a shock alright. NOBODY ever told us there're only 2 placements.

Then I asked her if this meant that the remaining three of us are doomed? (Of course I didn't word the question like this. I'm not completely tactless...). And she pretty much said "Yes." And what's more, it is subtly but very discreetly implied that there is even the possibility that NONE of us will get placed.

I was surprised but it ain't the numb-f**k-just-shoot-me-now kind of shock I felt when JPA rejected my PILN shoclarship application (before my successful appeal, that is).

I can't imagine what the other 4 students who share this bleak prospects were going through. I mean, I'm pretty much resigned since I started scouring the net for the said 'alternatives' (that being IMU's promising twinning programme). I mean, why would I be planning a plan B if I wasn't sure that plan A is going to the dogs aite?

But these other 4 students...I'm pretty sure they're the go-getter types with excellent results. Okay, make that 3. I already know what sort of insane test results one of them always score. It must have felt like a shot straight to the heart...or face, I believe. I feel sorry for them (I'm done with feeling sorry for myself). They don't deserve this. It's unjustified to spring this onto us. It is OUR oblivion-like impending doom, it ought to be OUR right to know of it earlier at least.

Then again, this is life we're talking about. When is life, ever justified? Never.

Not to mention the interviews. We shall be interviewed by Uni Otago's Dean of Dental School himself. We need to prepare 4 essays to submit to him on 30th July. On the same day, we'll be having a writing test and an interview. And oh, a presentation that we need to attend. Stressful much? Heck yeah.

At this stage, all this is absolutely mechanical to me. Just going through the motions. I've been this numb since sem 2. Of no feeling whatsoever.

Dentistry was absurd in the first place. But all this? Is a whole new level of absurdity. I shan't debate this no more. The futility of it only aggravates me more. Enough.

Hello, July. Be gentle. Keep me alive.