left right in the dark

When I get upset I stop thinking about people and start thinking about God, which will ultimately remind me what sort of human scum I am. Start thinking of all the things I ought to do, be able to do, ought not to do, must stop doing.

Bang. A headache. Ones that simply demand you to lie down and wait for sleep to come because it sure as heck ain't gonna pass just like that. Today is one of those days when you just feel utterly defeated as you rapidly descend into the trenches of self-loathing. My vision swam in tears of frustration though I managed not to shed any.

Yeap, Math test.

Left & right. Such simple things. People tell me my dyslexia/dyscalculia isn't that bad so I ought to be able to work through my hang ups if I simply work hard enough.

Well guess what?

They're not fucking dyslexic/dyscalculic. I AM.

Screwed.

Do me the honours, will you?

The interview results are in today. I'm declined. Need I bold that? Sure, here: DECLINED.

Dr. Brunton wrote us a letter of decline. Read mine. Clearly he wrote these letters of decline personally for each of us. He touched upon my essays again. In the end, that's all I'm good for. Writing frickin' essays. Jeez.

At any rate, it is expected.

What now? :D I don't know.

Not that I don't have an inkling. It's something along the lines of changing to Pharmacy and still go to NZ, or stick with dentistry which lands me with either India or if I'm lucky, there's a possibility of UM. Then...there's always UiTM I suppose.

All these assumptions are based on some seniors' experience. I'll just have to wait for JPA to reply my e-mail to get a clearer picture.

In essence, I've successfully screwed myself over, completely so. I'm not sore, or even sad for the matter. I just hate myself hah. Given the opportunity, I'd like to crawl into a hole and die.

Nah, I'm fine. If you know what F.I.N.E really stands for that is.

Shackles

Accumulated from my past,

Forming upon my wrists and ankles,

Clanking with every tremor,

They chain me to my corner.

Cold, heavy and eternal,

They serve as a remembrance,

Reflected on their surfaces,

My life, fallen to ashes.

My eyes drew over them a veil,

As I ponder my next step,

But the sensation always prevail,

Of burning, metallic shame.

Lest I slip and fall yet again,

They cry to me in vain,

Clattering ever so louder,

My shackles of failure.

P.S: Dear friend, hang in there. I still believe you can make it. Circumstances can still change for pharmacy students!

Truly, Sincerely

This is how I feel right now:

Truly, Sincerely

They spoke of me confidently,

As if I am the palm of their hands,

Apparitions in their mutilated minds,

Truly, sincerely, they spoke falsely.

"A rebel straining to break free,

A mouth-shooter with no scruples,

An evil-doer without a heed",

They see my apparent 'aberrance'.

As if I'm better of atrophied,

Never again I'll seek their approval,

From these familiar strangers,

I call my own.

Such truthful animosity,

Held strongly against me,

How am I to compete?

With such sincere adversity.

For truly and sincerely,

They've cast me out,

Just as truly and sincerely,

I'll shut them out.

_______________________________________________

My painful reality.

I said I was fine

This just about sums up what I'm feeling so here. Have a go, you'll love it. I assure you.

You people probably don't care and all but here. This one has a HQ ver. of that snippet of Sinatra's My Way Jules sang at the beginning, in the vid up there, before the real song they performed; 'Between Love & Hate'. He can croon your hearts into his hands if he wants to. Heh.

And oh, got plenty of footage of Jules chucking the mic stand around and throwing himself into the Jap crowd at the end hahaaa. Btw, song's called New York City Cops.

If you don't listen to The Strokes. You should start now. You're missing about half the pomp and glitter of life on earth if you don't. Seriously.

Hey hey hey

Maths final, well mid year, tomorrow. Been twitchy for weeks now. Hopefully I'd stop jigging my damned knee by this time tomorrow.

Wrote a bunch of 'rhymes' out of irritation these last couple of weeks. Ain't gonna put em' up though, cuz they all say the same thing. Just in different words.

Where was I again?

Er, yeah.

So yeah, pray for my sanity ey?

Incurable

I've figured it out. I have this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyscalculia

Fits better. Chronic dyslexics have severe trouble with reading/writing stuff. I'm past those.

DYSCALCULIA

Hahaha.

*goes and tries to study maths some more*

_________________________________________________

UPDATE:

"Cowardice is labeling what you don't want to change as innate."

Dang. You got me there, Wilson.

I swear I'll try to make more of an effort this time.