Ever So Inclined

Should I ever feel so inclined to drown or hide, I've books. Should I ever feel so inclined to forgive and forget, I've music. But Time is cruel, as always. Reality is twisted by it. Or is it the other way around? Doesn't matter.

Same old, same old. Am about to get shipped off back to college this Sunday.

The only comfort is that I didn't receive that letter for Parent-Lecturer's Day which is next Monday. There's still tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. Three days for that letter to arrive, if it should be so inclined to arrive. Hopefully not, because that would be a rather excessively despicable trick to play at the expense of my shredded self-confidence (or what's left of it anyway) in my academic capabilities.

I'd like to be an under-achiever among THE achievers at least. Grant me that and I'd be at peace with myself for a few moments. Grant me that at least and I shall have a renewed sense of achievement and will go the extra length for the remaining 4 months of college.

Academic insecurities aside...

I watched Red Dragon (2002) just now. Dr. Hannibal Lectre is one creepy psycho. 'Disturbing', is an understatement. I could almost smell the Fear (the protagonist's played by dearest Edward Norton) and unfortunately, my own. Scared witless. No shit.

P.S: Right this second, I kinda despise college. Hurry up November. I want out.

To You

A Martyr

If I should live to see the day,

When you’d greet me with a smile to match the Sun’s,

And dispel my lonesome day-to-day worries,

To feel as free as butterflies, so merry and gay.

Just to have your eyelashes brush my cheek,

When you lean in to whisper comforting lies,

So that I’d smile a smile to match the Sun’s,

For that, anytime I’ll trade my hands and eyes.

It is not the shine of your hair or the curve of your lips,

That captures and imprisons my every breath,

But the scent and melody of your love,

So strong in all that you say, all that you do.

Smothering it might be, this ‘love’ of yours,

And dead I’d rather be, than not be yours,

For I’ve waited a thousand eternities,

To bask in your presence and die a lover’s death.

Shush and hush you’ll plead to me,

How sweet, how sickening; just like honey,

How I’ll love you oh, how I’ll hate you,

For my perennial enslavement to your beauty.

Yes, yes, and yes! I do love you,

Need I bleed my very eyes and cry for you?

Need I keel over or kneel forever?

Believe me, I love only you.

__________________________________________________

Note:

Because I was watching 'Leaves of Grass' which is a movie that premiered at a film festival last year and is not yet but supposed to be released this year. And YES, it stars Edward Norton. And, well, Edward Norton. He plays identical twins in it heh.

What got me writing this is cuz there's this girl in the movie, she recited a portion of Walt Whitman's - To You (here) while she gutted a humongous cat fish that she caught with her bare hands. Fantastic no?

Anyway, she read this bit here:

You have not known what you are,

you have slumber'd upon yourself all your life,

Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,

What you have done returns already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you,

Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,

Beautiful isn't it? Took my breath away. 'To You' is a love poem and it actually got me wishing I'm in love or at least, have known love (of that sort I mean) for a sec. Just so I could write something a fraction of a fraction of a fraction as pretty as it is.

And I wrote this. It started out okay I guess. I mean, I tried to imagine what it'd be like, to be foolish and stupid and in love (I'm pretty sure I got the foolish and stupid part accurate...) but then, I got angry halfway and there. It turned out accusing and bitter instead of passionate and lovely. Even titled it 'A Martyr' as a sort of petty vengeance for my being incapable of at least imagine how it'd be like to be in love.

I suppose, I just have this idea of how grand 'Love' should be and decided that I shan't by any means succeed in 'simulating' it without having experience it first. Hah. Oh, I might cling to romanticism and all but I'm still, a realist. I don't hang onto such things.

I'm hopeless. I even tried my best not to make it rhyme but rhyme it did. I'm such a rhymster. *sigh* Ah, well.

A Wrinkle In Time

Hey there. Hi. I feel like writing something.

First week of holiday's been swell so far. Not 'far out' but 'okay' for a holiday, which is perfectly 'swell' in non-holiday terms. Uh, yeah, you get what I mean.

Got myself a bunch more books to read and got my spectacles back yesterday. Believe me, it does NOT pay to be half blind. Seriously. Went to Kinokuniya yesterday...(or was it the day before that? Whatev) and had a singularly terrible time. I NEVER feel terrible in bookstores, they're like a temple to me, but I sure as heck felt bad yesterday (?). I mean, there's all these books and I could touch em' and all but I can't read em'. Not unless I'm like an inch away from their spines.

Egh. Anyway got myself Palahniuk's Survivor, The Dice Man and Tales of the MADMAN Underground. I've only a few shillings left in my wallet haha.

And since it's the holidays, I pretty much lost my bearings on time. I don't know what day or date it is. I've been living this week a day late actually, til a friend of mine pointed out that my Wednesday was actually a Thursday. I dunno, it's hard to keep track of days and dates when you're reading. I mean, in this particular book it'd be 1973 and then it's 1999 in another one and then it'd be 2006 or 1984 or something. Frankly, it's nice not having to care what day and date it is. Very relaxing.

In this past few days I've been living the life of the protagonist of whatever I might be reading at the moment. Last week I was a midget terrorist, then I was a couple of siblings with too much brains for my own good with a great deal of depression to deal with, then I was a white collar psycho with dissociative personality disorder and now I'm a head case teenager living in the 70s trying to be normal but not quite nailing it, yet.

Ha. Dang. It looks like I've been reading some pretty off the rails stuff eh? But it's not like that really. No. They're all really good books. I read a lot of Fantasy, Magic-Me and Classics-with-flowery-prose stuff last time. So, am taking a departure from that for a bit. Variety is good.

Oh yeah, went to a chocolate fair today. Well, it wasn't really a fair. Just Beryl's factory giving out free chocolate samples :) Free chocolates are good.

P.S: I'm done with Hugh Grant, since he's not making anymore films off late. So, say hello to Edward Norton. He's precious *smiles*