The Blind & The Heartless

Let's take a ride said her,

And I knew rain would fall,

Ok I told her and smiled,

We knew this was better.

Let's talk she whispered,

And I knew promises would break,

Sure I replied and sighed,

We knew this was over.

Between the lines,

The unspoken words lay,

Beneath our chests,

It wasn't love that lay.

She was my eyes,

I was her heart,

Blinded and thoughtless,

It tore us apart.

Goodbye Love she said,

Goodbye Sight I cried,

Heartless she is,

Sightless I was, I am.

Never again would I see her,

Never again would she love anybody,

The closer we were,

The further our hearts wonder.

Thus the heavens cry her tears,

And the sun witnessed my love,

We were one no more,

Alone forever more.

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Song of the month:

Don't Look Back In Anger - Oasis

Black Sheep

Mind Food.

Got C for my FIRST math Quiz. It is LOADS better than last sem's but I, am STILL, a BELOW average maths student. *feels like cussing* I'm a math retard, I need to fix this quick. I'll work HARDER for an A. I can do it, I know I can. *glares at her maths test paper* *feels the urge to hit her head against the wall* Damn.

Egh, that aside. I'm doing okay I suppose. Nothing much happened* I'm on a relatively good terms with everybody, not that I ever get into fights anyway, which is kinda impossible for me since I limit social interactions to a minimum.

Anyway, I think my new classmates seem to have figured out that I'm a loner haha. I don't 'flock' with anybody, I'm unaffliated (I actually wrote a poem bout this but I deem it much too revealing of me to post it :S), the black sheep that bleats at a different pitch (damn, well, that's actually part of the poem...). Egh. I'm fine with it being this way, but it's quite a shock when sometimes the thought that I'm actually spending most of my time in my head hits me with such clarity. It's a little disarming, that's all.

What else? Oh, I had my chemistry test last NIGHT. Yeah, it's horrendous to spend 14 hours straight in class/halls etc. I think I did ok but I knew I did not perform at a level I expected I'm capable of. That of course, left me with that familiar and nasty feeling of 'inadequacy'. When you have expectations without the effort and preparation to back it up, expect to be disappointed. Merely one of the life's rules that I often contemplate in my abundance of 'living in my head' sessions.

Quizzes and tests aside, Chinese New Year break starts in 2 days. I'm going to work hard on my maths this holiday. I also plan to wash my car, bathe my cats and maybe go for a movie or something but mostly, I plan to study.

Oh yeah, Ain is flying off this Sunday. Yeap, the time has come for her to flip the page and enter a new chapter of her life as a university student. It gets me thinking, a lot. Which makes me anxious of course. Contemplating future related things ALWAYS makes me anxious. I fret on my bad maths marks mostly, and the shaky possibility of me getting a good TER to fly to New Zealand and do a degree in Dental Surgery (University of Otago, Dunedin, NZ).

I'm also reading Dostoevsky (or Dostoyevsky)'s The Brothers Karamazov. Borrowed it from Mai. The book has an odd scent (yes, I sniff the books I read), the usual yellowed paper scent with a hint of something sharp. I don't know, it keeps flitting in my head that it smells...'sharp' when I read it. It also has traces of what appears to be talcum powder haha. Entahla, barang kepunyaan Maisarah, siapa yang tahu bukan? Mungkin pernah disembur racun lipas :P Jk jk.

I've only read 4 chapters, so far it is highly interesting. It's been a while since I read such thought provoking works. To top it off, the guy is apparently, arguably one of the best authors to have lived and The Brothers Karamazov is his last work, also considered his greatest. It gives your mind something to chew, doesn't it?

That's it really. I've nothing more that I wish to elaborate on. Bye.

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* - Besides me taking a whole week off for a mini family reunion in Melbourne, Australia 16/1 - 1/2. We watched tennis. It was epic. Something I'd like to keep in my private thoughts. Some things are simply that precious to me.

I see life through rose coloured glass

Roses in a tune

Sometimes...don't you wish that the world would stop spinning, and time would pause, and rain will fall for eternity?

Don't you wish you could just sit in a train and not care when and where to get off? To press your forehead against the cool glass and watch you breath fog over it?

Don't you wish that you could sigh a sigh that lasts forever and close your eyes for a minute that feels like a year? To open your eyes so very slowly and let the sun dance on your eyelashes?

Don't you wish you could will yourself to smile? and to look into your own eyes in the reflection of the glass and finally...find youself? To really be at peace with what you have, what you had, what you wish you have and everything else would just...cease to matter?

I do.

Constant Vigilance

Pieces of life.

How many times have you been in a predicament and consciously thought, 'this is one of life's challenges' ? I mean usually, we're much too absorbed in the problem itself that no thoughts are spared for the bigger picture. Which is crucial by the way.

To see the bigger picture and remind yourself that it is normal, that it could be overcome, that there are many more ahead, that you need to buck up and steel yourself for it.

I need to stay awake. I don't want to drown in my worries (like last year) and fail to see the bigger picture. Thus, failing myself.

Constant vigilance.

Let's NEVER get rid of the sofa shall we?

Just saw House MD season 6 episode 11 - The Down Low. I loved ep 10 - Wilson IMMENSELY but this! This is...a whole new level of WilsonHouse on CRACK! The epic-est of ALL EPICNESS epic episodes of House MD.

WILSON FOREVER~

2nd Week of 2nd Sem.

Mercu tanda INTEC, Uitm, Shah Alam - Library.

I just got back from Ain's house to consult some mathematical 'difficulties' hehe. Practically her whole family gave it a shot and helped me out ;P In the end, it was her dad who's the Math genius that got it right. Her second brother (who's also called Arief, like my elder bro, Arif) also helped out.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm different this sem. I mean I feel TOTALLY okay with college now. Yeap. I no longer brood in my dark moods or succumb to my anxieties in respond to the uncertainities of academic-related stuff. I also no longer count the days to the second waiting for Fridays (to go back home for the weekends). I've also stopped obsessing over my fixation to 'mingle' no, to 'TRY to mingle'. I do my own thing nowadays and don't feel guilty about it at all. Haha. Now THAT is a break through. I think. *shrugs*

I'm set on doing my best for that TER96. I aim for 97 just to be safe. I've been setting my mind to this since the sem break but what really gave me an extra push was this thing that a lecturer mentioned during our briefing in the first week of my 2nd sem. She said:

"If you want something you've never gotten,

you must do something you've never done."

After she said this, it was all I could think of. I kinda closed into myself and pondered it for the rest of the dull briefing.

These words went right through me like an arrow. With it, my second thoughts of "can I actually make this happen? Can I really stop being a slacker-perfectionist-wannabe self that is, ME?" are gone.

NO, I am not the kind of person who believes/easily influenced by what motivators/speech givers say like most people. I've always had this belief that whatever this person-on-the-stage is saying, all of it has truths and fallacies like everything else in this world. But I do believe in the power of 'words', the unyielding simplicity of it. Which is another contradictory character of mine. To put it simply, I am resistant to being susceptible to words but only because I BELIEVE in being susceptible to words. Get it? No? Nevermind.

That aside, I'm happy. :) I am now a wannabe 'go getter'. Haha.

Yes, I still am a loner. A happy one who no longer obsess over trying to 'mingle' to 'fit in'.

To quote a friend of mine:

"kau harus teruskan hidup, dan jangan leka dengan semua hal-hal orang-orang kebanyakan. biarkan mereka dengan mereka. bukannya kau sombong, bukannya kau arrogant, bukannya kau berfikir kau lebih hebat daripada mereka, tapi sebab kau tahu, yang kau berbeza."

And thus, I hope I shall strive for greatness with a new zeal for the rest of this year.

*checks the box that says: Blog something*

Checking the boxes of my life one at a time...

I've a new obsession now, being PRODUCTIVE. Heck yeah.

I'm done with planning things and making check lists of what I want/need to do and not follow up. Check lists are NOT check lists unless the boxes are CHECKED. I'm hell bent on checking those boxes now. My life is now a list of things that needs, that DEMANDS to be done.

And know what? I'm actually happy. I feel LIBERATED. And that is irony. I mean, logically, check lists are pretty darn rigid and constricting but nay. With every little box checked I am slowly cutting myself loose :)

This is brilliant. I am brilliant. Life is brilliant.

Carpe diem.