In Fear

"Embrace the fear,

Of both Living and Dying,

So you may fill your cup,

With wine of glory and discovery."

I peer over the horizon,

Seeking the truth of my future.

Finding impressions of answers,

I'm glad I'm no seer.

There is value in reveling,

In ignorance to some questions.

This I discover laboriously,

While I stumble along meekly.

Alas, I'm one easily frightened,

By challenges I deem perilous,

For I am petrified by 'Regret',

Of never being able to 'Forget'.

My fear of living a lie,

Is in itself a mockery,

One, I am aware of,

My very own treachery.

Get along

Sometimes, we say things we don't mean, out of spontaneity. Spur of the moments that is caused by plain old ignorance or lack of tact imbued in our very genotypes (meaning, we're just made that way, y'know). Point is, you don't actually mean the stuff you said. Not really.

This is perfectly normal.

But the problem is, such things causes misunderstandings, which consequently results in conflict. Whatever the case may be, people get hurt. Some people forgive & forget. Some don't. People are people. The very diversity of our selves is evidence of God's existence. Don't you think?

You've got to try and view things in different perspectives. One man's liberation is another's prison. Yes, I'm being cryptic for the very same reason. To avoid, conflict. Okay, too cryptic.

Oh heck, whatever. What I really want to say is:

A degree of detachment is advisable. Let us not be immature because the fact remains that...

We all suffer in our own private ways,

We are but inhabitants of our own private worlds.

Forsake not your camaraderie,

For the sake of agony.

Forsake not your herd mentality,

For the sake of complexity.

Flock, Get along, Tolerate,

For we are all but foolish illiterates.

Title: (Get Along)

left right in the dark

When I get upset I stop thinking about people and start thinking about God, which will ultimately remind me what sort of human scum I am. Start thinking of all the things I ought to do, be able to do, ought not to do, must stop doing.

Bang. A headache. Ones that simply demand you to lie down and wait for sleep to come because it sure as heck ain't gonna pass just like that. Today is one of those days when you just feel utterly defeated as you rapidly descend into the trenches of self-loathing. My vision swam in tears of frustration though I managed not to shed any.

Yeap, Math test.

Left & right. Such simple things. People tell me my dyslexia/dyscalculia isn't that bad so I ought to be able to work through my hang ups if I simply work hard enough.

Well guess what?

They're not fucking dyslexic/dyscalculic. I AM.

To the Adonis of Underground Rock,

Happy 32nd Birthday my liege!

May your days be filled with happiness & your career flourish forever,

May your music lasts for eternity & your name become legendary,

Most of all,

Stay sober!

With Love,

Me.

___________________________________________________

P.S: Yeap, I got excited and made this poster like, a month ago haha.

Breathe

And I keep listening to these over and over. I've yet to find the sheet music for 'Last Flowers' though. Am too lazy to learn from tutorial videos.

Yorke's haunting voice calms me when the nights seems everlasting. Such times can bring either tranquility or anxiety but most of the time, it's the latter. It does not help when you feel that the time you spend awake, day, noon & night is filled with futility. You can't help but ponder your cold existence. Maybe it's my coughing but it gets that much harder to breathe during such times.

Exit Music (For A Film)

Last Flowers To The Hospital

Because my nights lasts forever,

And my days, infinitely colder.

. . . . . . . . (First Roll)

Hahaha. Gosh. Of all things, THIS is what I got.

A picture is worth a thousand words, so there you go, 3000 words!

And the message within this 'passage' is simple:

B L A N K

Clearly, something went wrong when I loaded the film. And thus, I ended up with highly fantastic pictures. Imaginary ones. :P *runs along to find out why this happened*

P.S: Apparently, blank first rolls is a normal thing.

Of books & birthdays

First things first:

TODAY is EDWARD NORTON's 41st Birthday! :)

Hehe. Yeayyyy. August is a month full of bithdays of my favourites. Roger Federer's 29th birthday was on 8th August while Julian Casablancas' 32nd Birthday is on 23rd August (NEXT MONDAY!).

Oh, wow. I've just realized that Roger is younger than Jules...that never occured to me before. Not that it matters...just. Uh, wow.

That's all really. And oh, I bought this today.

Agassi's Revealing Autobio

BOOK XCESS been having a book fair in INTEC since yesterday, til tomorrow. Got this for only RM19.90 (Original price: RM64.90). It was irresistible! Can't help myself. Read a couple chapters already, the unbridled candor of this autobiography is unbelievable. Caught me off guard it did. Didn't know Agassi's past is quite so...hauntingly painful. You'd think it's a fictional novel.

What really got me is his violent past & inner turmoil. He actually hates Tennis. Hoooo yeah.

Our secret contradictions,

Unseen and unheard.

Relief

Just a moment,

For a second,

Let me believe,

I'll find relief.

Tracing shadows,

Against the wall,

It feels like forever,

Let this be over.

Light my darkened path,

Spare me your wrath,

Tolerate my nuisance,

All I want is significance.

Rationality, practicality,

They satisfy but half of me,

Passion and curiosity,

They petrify the rest of me.

What am I to do,

Speak to me as I'll to you,

Take away my grief,

Ask me to believe.

_________________________________________________

Fragmented and incoherent at best. I'll write what I may.

Telfast for Breakfast

Am sick & sleepy. Urgh. I've nothing against modern medicine, but I sure don't like those antibiotic pills. They smell like cat piss. Don't believe me? Next time around try sniffing them. Anyhoo, I love those Telfasts. Anything that helps me sleep is good.

Oh, yes. This:

The Holga 135 TIM (Twin Image Maker)

Sent my first roll to be developed & scanned already. Hopefully, SOME of the pictures turn out good haha. The colour flash is mad fun. You get people all disoriented when you use it heh.

I'm also abstaining from reading. The last book I read is Fahrenheit 451 (Ray Bradbury), last week. Surprisingly, it's a total let down. I was hoping it'd be fantastic or decent at least. Kafka's The Trial shall have to wait. I've been itching to read it but esh. No.

I've to try and salvage my college education. Even though I've already crashed and burned, I still need to try my level best and score a decent TER. Gotta make the TER90 cut-off point.

A part of me just want to give up on dentistry since I ain't going nowhere. I'd like to be able to do what I actually want to do for a change. Been having doubts if I'd like to spend the rest of my life peering into people's mouth. Have you ever seen pictures of oral diseases? They're perfectly ghastly. But then, the rational part of me is telling me to stick with dentistry because it'll assure me with a good living. As if I'll be the sole breadwinner someday. To be or not to be. That is the question. Nowadays, not a second goes by without me giving this matter the most fleeting of thoughts.

Right, now I'm sporting a headache. Curses.

This coming two weeks shall be absolutely hectic. What with tests upon tests, assignments upon assignments, tutorials and presentations etc. I'll make it somehow. Though right now, I'm just too out of it to do anything much for tomorrow's Chemistry test. Must be those medicine. *sigh*

Adieu, adieu.

And the irony of it strikes you,

How the only certainty in life,

Is death.

Little girls with plastic cameras

Oh yeh.

Adrian of The Click Shop is awesome. I paid for it this afternoon and he already posted it in a matter of hours (or minutes, perhaps!). He even e-mailed me the above picture as proof. Wonderful ain't he? Absolutely. Oh, it'll arrive by tomorrow. Am I excited to come home this Friday or what. Heh.

For the occasion:

P.S: The lyric 'Little girls with plastic cameras' is from a B-side song of the album Midnite Vultures by Beck. Do check it out.

Ramadhan

Moments pass by in a blur,

Half-awake, half-asleep,

You can't tell which.

As if you've lost your footing,

Slipping off the plains of reality,

You can only feel self-pity.

The sky clears for the Hilal.

Lo! The cresent moon is smiling,

The month for abstinence has begun,

All you seek is redemption.

And so I lay within the pools,

Of your twinkling watery eyes,

Asking for forgiveness.

A single feather from a dove,

Fell onto your darkened forehead,

Forgiven, welcome to Heaven.

AWOL

Um, yeah. I've been AWOL for two days now. Dear classmates, I'm sorry.

I couldn't stop wishing that I'd just disappear...vanish into thin air...or just fade away or something. It's difficult. You feel as if a rug has been pulled from beneath your feet and you're just falling off the face of the Earth. And you keep seeing these faceless people in your dreams just turning and looking at you (though they have no eyes) as you walk with your head down. A lot of crazy thoughts went through my mind. Scared myself witless.

Speaking of which, those damned 'running' nightmares are back. Hadn't had one for a week. Had one just now. It's sort of funny though, this one. I was a dude in it, Will's brother to be exact. Will from the movie Good Will Hunting. We were in this house together, he locked me in a room that had lotsa windows. Egh, what am I doing? Point is, he chased me, wanted to kill me. All the villains in my 'running' nightmares want a piece of my hide. Always. Disturbed, aren't I? Yeah.

Anyway, I'm back to square one. I've not an inkling what I'm going to do after college. I'm weighing my options but...I don't know. Do I even have any? It's confusing. You feel like you're either at a dead-end (what a fitting term...) or on a path that forks into God knows how many paths. Either way, I'm lost.

Sightless and senseless,

I wander in my ocean of nothingness.

Screwed.

Do me the honours, will you?

The interview results are in today. I'm declined. Need I bold that? Sure, here: DECLINED.

Dr. Brunton wrote us a letter of decline. Read mine. Clearly he wrote these letters of decline personally for each of us. He touched upon my essays again. In the end, that's all I'm good for. Writing frickin' essays. Jeez.

At any rate, it is expected.

What now? :D I don't know.

Not that I don't have an inkling. It's something along the lines of changing to Pharmacy and still go to NZ, or stick with dentistry which lands me with either India or if I'm lucky, there's a possibility of UM. Then...there's always UiTM I suppose.

All these assumptions are based on some seniors' experience. I'll just have to wait for JPA to reply my e-mail to get a clearer picture.

In essence, I've successfully screwed myself over, completely so. I'm not sore, or even sad for the matter. I just hate myself hah. Given the opportunity, I'd like to crawl into a hole and die.

Nah, I'm fine. If you know what F.I.N.E really stands for that is.

Shackles

Accumulated from my past,

Forming upon my wrists and ankles,

Clanking with every tremor,

They chain me to my corner.

Cold, heavy and eternal,

They serve as a remembrance,

Reflected on their surfaces,

My life, fallen to ashes.

My eyes drew over them a veil,

As I ponder my next step,

But the sensation always prevail,

Of burning, metallic shame.

Lest I slip and fall yet again,

They cry to me in vain,

Clattering ever so louder,

My shackles of failure.

P.S: Dear friend, hang in there. I still believe you can make it. Circumstances can still change for pharmacy students!

Not to worry

For once, I'd like to wake up and only think of breathing. Without a gnat of worry buzzing in my mind. No nothing, peaceful. Free of everything. And you wonder if this is only possible in death's loving arms. But of course, nothing in this life warrants for such damnation. Not in mine, at least.

Cowardice

After a night of agony,

Contemplating death in all its glory,

The morning after is dim,

Muted, like a dream.

You care less about yourself,

And care nothing for others,

The world seems emptier,

But your soul, never lighter.

Putting up facades for your peers,

In your eyes, the vacancy lingers,

Not that they shall notice,

Your cleverly hidden solstice.

Like a cancer the idea spreads,

Infecting your diseased mind,

Every breath poisonous,

Every blink dying.

The yellow beast in your gut hisses,

Warning, pleading, grovelling,

So you stop wishing for destruction,

So you keep breathing in your dungeon.

Truly, Sincerely

This is how I feel right now:

Truly, Sincerely

They spoke of me confidently,

As if I am the palm of their hands,

Apparitions in their mutilated minds,

Truly, sincerely, they spoke falsely.

"A rebel straining to break free,

A mouth-shooter with no scruples,

An evil-doer without a heed",

They see my apparent 'aberrance'.

As if I'm better of atrophied,

Never again I'll seek their approval,

From these familiar strangers,

I call my own.

Such truthful animosity,

Held strongly against me,

How am I to compete?

With such sincere adversity.

For truly and sincerely,

They've cast me out,

Just as truly and sincerely,

I'll shut them out.

_______________________________________________

My painful reality.