To You

A Martyr

If I should live to see the day,

When you’d greet me with a smile to match the Sun’s,

And dispel my lonesome day-to-day worries,

To feel as free as butterflies, so merry and gay.

Just to have your eyelashes brush my cheek,

When you lean in to whisper comforting lies,

So that I’d smile a smile to match the Sun’s,

For that, anytime I’ll trade my hands and eyes.

It is not the shine of your hair or the curve of your lips,

That captures and imprisons my every breath,

But the scent and melody of your love,

So strong in all that you say, all that you do.

Smothering it might be, this ‘love’ of yours,

And dead I’d rather be, than not be yours,

For I’ve waited a thousand eternities,

To bask in your presence and die a lover’s death.

Shush and hush you’ll plead to me,

How sweet, how sickening; just like honey,

How I’ll love you oh, how I’ll hate you,

For my perennial enslavement to your beauty.

Yes, yes, and yes! I do love you,

Need I bleed my very eyes and cry for you?

Need I keel over or kneel forever?

Believe me, I love only you.

__________________________________________________

Note:

Because I was watching 'Leaves of Grass' which is a movie that premiered at a film festival last year and is not yet but supposed to be released this year. And YES, it stars Edward Norton. And, well, Edward Norton. He plays identical twins in it heh.

What got me writing this is cuz there's this girl in the movie, she recited a portion of Walt Whitman's - To You (here) while she gutted a humongous cat fish that she caught with her bare hands. Fantastic no?

Anyway, she read this bit here:

You have not known what you are,

you have slumber'd upon yourself all your life,

Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,

What you have done returns already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you,

Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,

Beautiful isn't it? Took my breath away. 'To You' is a love poem and it actually got me wishing I'm in love or at least, have known love (of that sort I mean) for a sec. Just so I could write something a fraction of a fraction of a fraction as pretty as it is.

And I wrote this. It started out okay I guess. I mean, I tried to imagine what it'd be like, to be foolish and stupid and in love (I'm pretty sure I got the foolish and stupid part accurate...) but then, I got angry halfway and there. It turned out accusing and bitter instead of passionate and lovely. Even titled it 'A Martyr' as a sort of petty vengeance for my being incapable of at least imagine how it'd be like to be in love.

I suppose, I just have this idea of how grand 'Love' should be and decided that I shan't by any means succeed in 'simulating' it without having experience it first. Hah. Oh, I might cling to romanticism and all but I'm still, a realist. I don't hang onto such things.

I'm hopeless. I even tried my best not to make it rhyme but rhyme it did. I'm such a rhymster. *sigh* Ah, well.

A Wrinkle In Time

Hey there. Hi. I feel like writing something.

First week of holiday's been swell so far. Not 'far out' but 'okay' for a holiday, which is perfectly 'swell' in non-holiday terms. Uh, yeah, you get what I mean.

Got myself a bunch more books to read and got my spectacles back yesterday. Believe me, it does NOT pay to be half blind. Seriously. Went to Kinokuniya yesterday...(or was it the day before that? Whatev) and had a singularly terrible time. I NEVER feel terrible in bookstores, they're like a temple to me, but I sure as heck felt bad yesterday (?). I mean, there's all these books and I could touch em' and all but I can't read em'. Not unless I'm like an inch away from their spines.

Egh. Anyway got myself Palahniuk's Survivor, The Dice Man and Tales of the MADMAN Underground. I've only a few shillings left in my wallet haha.

And since it's the holidays, I pretty much lost my bearings on time. I don't know what day or date it is. I've been living this week a day late actually, til a friend of mine pointed out that my Wednesday was actually a Thursday. I dunno, it's hard to keep track of days and dates when you're reading. I mean, in this particular book it'd be 1973 and then it's 1999 in another one and then it'd be 2006 or 1984 or something. Frankly, it's nice not having to care what day and date it is. Very relaxing.

In this past few days I've been living the life of the protagonist of whatever I might be reading at the moment. Last week I was a midget terrorist, then I was a couple of siblings with too much brains for my own good with a great deal of depression to deal with, then I was a white collar psycho with dissociative personality disorder and now I'm a head case teenager living in the 70s trying to be normal but not quite nailing it, yet.

Ha. Dang. It looks like I've been reading some pretty off the rails stuff eh? But it's not like that really. No. They're all really good books. I read a lot of Fantasy, Magic-Me and Classics-with-flowery-prose stuff last time. So, am taking a departure from that for a bit. Variety is good.

Oh yeah, went to a chocolate fair today. Well, it wasn't really a fair. Just Beryl's factory giving out free chocolate samples :) Free chocolates are good.

P.S: I'm done with Hugh Grant, since he's not making anymore films off late. So, say hello to Edward Norton. He's precious *smiles*

FIGHT CLUB

You look up at the stars and you're gone.

I don't care what everybody says. It's a romance. The most naive and honest to God romance ever written. No, really. It's romantic how he wants to wipe out history. It's romantic how he's rebelling against sheer hopelessness. It's romantic how he romanticize 'life' itself. AND. It's romantic how seemingly crude he is. I just love the whole 'middle children of history' thing. Haha.

There's a bah-zillion things I do NOT agree with in Fight Club. And a bah-zillion MORE things I wish to expound, to DISagree with Fight Club. Which is, just about everything IN it. But that's not the point. What I like about it, is the spirit. The courage in it. The oh so flawed idea of supposedly hitting the 'bottom'. Flawed yet tantalizing. Fight Club is saturated with the truth (to an extent that is) that most of us never have the guts to acknowledge.

But then again, you don't always love what's right or even good for you. Know what I mean? Haha. I'm no psycho. I'm just proclaiming my eternal love for the spirit of Fight Club. That is all.

Oh, forgive me.

I have like, a bah-zillion more things to say but I can't. My head's screwed.

And the AFTERWORD. Like woah.

I have never felt like this since Harry Potter. If you see me lugging around Fight Club, don't ask.

And oh, the BEST way to read FIGHT CLUB is to:

1) Watch 3/4 of the movie. Stop.

2) Read the book.

3) Watch the movie again.

It gives you a clearer picture of what's goin' on and all.

P.S: No matter how many times I've seen gore in movies. I can NEVER stomach them. I cringe, I yelp, I just, shrivel. Can't stand violence. The flat packing sound when somebody's knuckles connect with...somebody. Oh, shoot me.

P.P.S: Video games are different. They're synthetic. Non-sentient. Get what I mean?

I'm Jack's Raging Bile Duct

Holiday. Yeahhh.

Today, I went to Midvalley alone specifically to buy Palahniuk's Fight Club. Yeap.

Been watching the movie last night, but I stopped 3/4 through it. Didn't wanna spoil the ending, wanna read the book first. I don't normally like films with unnecessarily overwhelming amounts of blood and guts (Though I like it when there's ample of these when you slash monsters in vid games). Fight Club is different. To sum it up into a single word would be: Hyper-PSYCHO. Haha.

I must say though, I don't see how getting yourself smashed into a pulp would relieve stress and depression. But then, I suppose they're all masochist. Tyler and everybody else in Fight Club I mean. Then again, there's the gender factor. Perhaps guys really do enjoy getting smashing each other's faces. What do I know. *shrug*

Palahniuk's stuff are monstrous really. Finished reading Pygmy last Friday. It's dark, obscene and...downright hilarious. I would've never coined satire to be my cup of tea. Especially ones with midget terrorists in em'. Palahniuk sir, you might've just shredded chunks of the pacifist in me into pieces. A certain degree of violence, I proclaim, is agreeable. Not desirable, no, never. But agreeable.

Oh, I picked up Salinger's Nine Stories and Connolly's The Gates too this morning. MPH is better than borders but Kinokuniya is the best. In terms of book supply I mean. Can't get member discounts at Kino unfortunately. *sigh*

Speaking of Salinger. I've a fixation on how he writes. Like, I don't know...his writing seems effortless. It's not lyrical and all that whatnot. It's brief, concise yet it still bears the nuances that I prize. He describes things scantily but they suffice. An impressionist he is. As for the characters...I find them all a trifle bit annoying. Oh, but I do adore them, to some extent that is. Ach, I've only read the Catcher in the rye and Franny. Am halfway through Zooey. Again, what do I know? Nothing really.

Books aside, Movies. Watched Robin Hood. It's okay. I kinda like it. I definitely like it better than Iron Man 2 as far as I'm concerned. Watched some movies I found in my hard disk. Looted from house mates and class mates. Namely, Fired Up (some shit bout cheerleading) and Cowboys And Angels.

This guy, Michael Legge, he's in Cowboys And Angels and he's a dead ringer to Elijah Wood! Friggin' adorable. I particularly liked this bit of the movie:

Old guy: You can burn candles in both hands only for so long.

Shane (Michael): It's my wick. I'll go out in flames if I want to.

Heh. Comel.

And oh, I also wasted some watercolours and painted these. I just felt like painting something. So yeah.

"Noise"

"I'll go out in flames if I want to"

BTN

Got back yesterday from BTN in Tanjung Rhu, Sepang. My verdict? It's something special alright.

Man, I don't even know what to write. I fear that I shan't do justice by it. Let's begin a note of thanks:

I thank you facilitators of BTN Tanjung Rhu, Sepand (17th May 2010 - 21st May 2010) for the wisdom you all have imparted.

Er yeah, I've been reading Palahniuk's Pygmy. *shrug*

Now, I hate to sound cheesy or anything like that. I'll just stick to the bare minimum then. So, what I learned in those five days and four nights are:

• The Federal Constitution.

We learned a lot about 'Perlembagaan Persekutuan' (Federal Constitution). How it has 183 perkara, and 20 bahagian. Specifically, we studied selected perkara's (3, 10, 14, 38, 43, 151, 152, 153, 160, 161..etc. etc.) and how they're inter related. About the constitution's soul, how it protects us citizen of Malaysia. We were also exposed to the political issues related to it and how a majority of people in Malaysia misinterpret the Federal Constitution or are completely ignorant of its importance (Just as how most of us students are pre-BTN).

It's actually pretty fun getting to talk like lawyers haha. Y'know stuff like, "Di bawah Perkara 10 kurungan 4, Perlembagaan menyatakan bahawa...etc. etc." All of us can talk like that now haha. The method BTN taught us these is also pretty unique. We had to find the 5 stations where facilitators will give us the Perlembagaan book and instruct us to read up and try to understand specific Perkara s and then present to the groups. Then we'd have an open discussion relating to the Perkara s and all.

Damn, forgive my rojak English.

• The Goverment

The usual, like in Sejarah textbook. The government, the parliament, Dewan Negara, Dewan Rakyat, Mahkamah etc etc. Mainly about the kerusis (222) and DUN and stuff like that. Also about NGOs and political parties and such. Issues relating to these and more. And oh, how there's 'toleransi politik' in Malaysia .

• Current issues

Current issues, both local and international. The emergence of U.S as a unilateral power, China's exponential growth, then local things relating to racial issues. And something about the Zionist Protocol and all. I dunno, I don't dare delve into these too much. I might write something inappropriate. =.='

• Malaysia

Well, generally everything about Malaysia. The people, culture and infrastructure. The meaning of independence, the prime ministers and everything in between. In short the history of Malaysia. From the pelanduk kicking Parameswara's dog, the Malacca channel, invasions (Portugese, Dutch, British and Japanese) to Independence Day.

Oh oh! I really like the bit where they showed us slides about the people who contributed for the Modal Insan thing :D

In essence, I believe that BTN is a good programme that our Malaysian government is investing in. Me and my peers who took part in BTN now understand the soul of the constitution, and to love our home soil Malaysia. We've learn to truly appreciate and love Malaysia and are now completely aware of our responsibility as future leaders and citizen of Malaysia. How crucial unity is.

There's actually a lot of things I'd still like to write but I doubt I'd be able to harness their importance in words to do them justice. Especially what my peers said when our Head facillitator, En. Mohd Kamal asked some of us to speak our mind in front of everyone. What they said, came from their heart.

What I wish now, is that BTN is made available for ALL students in Malaysia. The youth is the country's lifeline. Us, youth of Malaysia needs to learn these things. Only then can the future of Malaysia be brighter. May the legacy of our Independence survive and live on forever.

_________________________________________________

P.S: Now I know that some people thing this BTN is a brainwashing thing to make us love our country. Maybe it is. Who ever says that all kinds brainwashing is a bad thing? Our brains are infested by all kinds of thoughts. A bit of 'washing' WILL do it some good.

I too, was HIGHLY suspicious of BTN. Thought it'd be some kind of communist like camp tryin' to brainwash us into loving our country and stuff. I listened to the talks and discussions and treated the activities with reservation. There's no harm in treating things with a degree of apprehension y'know. And VWALLA! What do you know. At the end of BTN I am enlightened :)

I'd like to think of it as re-engineering our perception and misconceptions about some things. Besides, you can't MAKE anybody love anything if they don't want to. You simply can't. BTN does not indoctrinate us, it is more of a crash course in Sejarah and with it, the seeds of love for Malaysia.

P.P.S: The French programme juniors are a DELIGHTFUL bunch haha. :D Us NZ bound AUSMATians are glad to have been acquainted with them.

By Choice

Its ironical, tyrannical,

Getting a kick out of misery,

Finding in it,

An innate beauty,

Its just on whims,

And preconceived notions,

Of how rotten the world is,

How terrible, man is.

Don't be naive now,

That's what they say to me,

Why I choose melancholy,

I believe is a mystery.

Alas, I'm a poser,

With the wits of a loser,

Who clings to nothings,

And cry for somethings.

Spare me, I'd say,

And smirk you would,

Thinking you've salvaged,

Your witty mood.

Sad Rose of all my days!

Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~~~ *ala The Kinks - 'You Really Got Me'*

Haha. I'm just pumped there's only one paper left to deal with. Chemistry on Friday then SEM BREAK! Well, okay, BTN first and THEN, the long awaited 3 week Sem Break.

Speaking of BTN, which will be held in Sepang, everyone's pretty upset that we're gonna have to get cozy with the French programme freshies. By 'everyone' I mean, my fellow JPA NZ-bound AUSMAT students. I don't really get the hoo-ha regarding this issue. I mean, how bad could it be? As far as I'm concerned, with the French kids in our lot, it only adds to the 'people-I-don't-really-know-anyway', which are my fellow batch mates. And, it could actually be a good thing. With more people in the lot, it'll be easier for me to blend into the crowd and read whatever the hell I might wanna read during the talks and such.

To my housies, I apologize for my lack of excitable outrage regarding this matter. ^_^' Sorry.

At any rate, I hear they give talks, brainwashing us into patriotism so that we won't bail out of our contracts and not serve the country. Oh, don't get me wrong, I may not be as patriotic as I ideally should be, I am not, by any means an anarchist or anything. I believe in change. Change will come when people who should die WILL die and be replaced by people who are (hopefully) more...upholding, to propel us into a brighter future. Besides, I'm fully aware that the allowance money that I'm living off at the moment are the People's money. The tax payers' money. Sometimes I'd ponder this and get pretty depressed because I feel that I ought to 'apply' myself instead of...read poetry and books and indulge in my fanatical interests.........in general, screwing myself over. Know what I mean? Ah, well.

Speaking of poetry. I'm in love with Yeats' - To The Rose Upon The Rood Of Time. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. What really got me is the first, and the last line:

Red Rose, proud Rose, sad Rose of all my days!

Lovely isn't it? Mind you, the Rose isn't merely a flower in the context of this poem. It addresses Ireland, personifies it. It's also connected to the Rose of Friday, the austerity of it. In essence, it symbolizes spiritual and eternal beauty.

Right, I should be studying now. Got elemental/environmental, analytical, organic and biological Chemistry to tackle.