Deception

Finally, I've submitted my New Zealand university applications yesterday. What a relief. I genuinely felt that stupid knot in between my shoulders loosen a little.

In the end, I decided to apply for what I actually wanted to do. Even if JPA don't allow me to do it overseas, I want to pursue it locally. I'm past caring about what people might think of my choice. It's my life, I'm the one who's going to live it. So that's that. No more second guessing. No more running nightmares. I have had enough.

The search for the self is an agonizing journey that'll most probably last forever and for the first time in my life, I think I've taken the right step. One I steadfastly believe I will not regret having made.

It was not easy at all though. I've considered many many other options. It came to a point that I lost all of my self confidence in making decisions. Whatever's left of it anyway. I mean, I forced myself to believe in so many things, so many times only to eventually find myself in the trenches of despair. Because deep down I know that all of it is just a farce. I tried to fit myself into molds of others' and that was impossible.

All this is a shameful affair really because all those options, not only did I feel like I was lying to myself but also to those kind people that I've sought after in my pursuit of self-deception. I made them belief that I was genuinely interested when I wasn't. Well, not at the level that they think I am anyway.

To make things worse, I really did manage to deceive myself, to an extent that is. I mean,

I was markedly distraught. They have been moments, dark dark moments that I thought that life wasn't worth living. Not at all. Without meaning, without purpose, there is nothing to look forward to. Morbid yes, but let this public confession be the end of such thoughts. Also, I suppose my indecisiveness and apparent interest in various things only goes to prove my ostentation.

Now, I feel revitalized. I'll make this happen. If this doesn't, it'll be the death of me. Which is another reason why this post is so fucking ambiguous really. A cowardly act of self-preservation. In case things don't work out, people wouldn't know. Contradictory to my professed confidence aye? Thing is, I've deceived myself one too many times. This, all this, might be one of such occasion though I certainly hope not.

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Note: The previous Potter post has been 'drafted' for the time being, due to undisclosed reasons. Ehe.