To Their Ashes

. . . . . . .

Burning steadily,

Burning readily,

This warmth you feel,

Is my Love made real.

Should you be so lucky,

To have been loved by me,

I would've promised you immortality,

For I'll never forget your beauty.

Things even you don't see,

Words even you don't hear,

I witness them to their ashes,

Meaningful yet brief flashes.

All this may seem just as well,

But really let us not dwell,

On things past and ancient,

So old they may be poison.

If an ending is what you desire,

A finale I will give you,

Anything to kill this fire,

Of my Love that's smothering you.

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Note: For some reason, whenever I pen anything about Love, it comes out all wrong. Vengeful or...defeated. What do I know of Love anyway? Nothing. Thus the overt tones of resentment. Then again...haha.

Gates of Hell

I confess, I caved in and started reading one of my not-so-recent purchases. Ones I've carefully stashed at the very backs of my bookshelf. But really, after 4 consecutive days of working on my Mathematical Studies cheat sheet, I need a break.

And so, I read a little of this deligthful book:

The Gates (John Connolly)

It is quantum theory, demons, and philosophy rolled into one. Not to mention humor that makes you smile and laugh out loud. I've no time to be writing a synopsis, so read here if you will. But to sum it up, it's about an 11-year old boy trying to save the world and humanity. Why? Because his neighbour who lives in No. 666 opened a portal to Hell with the aide of a 'Singularity' that escaped from a Large Hadron Collider, LHC.

Anyway, my birthday was last Saturday. It was alright :) Got a Black Forest cake (baked by my cousin herself), some gifts, cards and the usual phone call from Canada. I'm 19 and it's not a big deal at all, which suits me perfectly fine really. As a matter of fact I actually forgot that it was my birthday if it weren't for some other acquaintances' birthdays in the same week.

Although, it is so mainly because SACE (south Australian Certificate of Education) is in less than a week. 6 days, to be exact. 1st of November til the 10th. Five 3 hour papers to be tackled down by mediocre me in the lovingly cold arms of INTEC's Great Hell, I mean Hall.

Laugh if you may, but have you ever wondered why people say "Cold as Hell"?

Because, in Inferno by Dante, Hell is described in 9 levels. The innermost level (9th) being the coldest, a frozen lake of blood and guilt as it is the farthest from God's warmth. So, I suppose Hell is cold. Figuratively that is.

Yes. I am full of useless trivia.

I shall now go and stuff myself with Chemistry. Some 'useful' knowledge.

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NOTE: I've successfully summarized a 448 paged Math textbook into the 4 pages of 2 pieces of A4 papers. I shall laminate them and guard them with my life.

A testimony of my efforts in perusing Mathematics, here are the 2 surfaces of 1 of the 2 A4s. I ain't posting the other 2 (as if this matters huh. Meh) You can click and make em' big:

I Hear You

It must be lonely out there,

It must be cold down there,

I yearn to tell you,

The coldness I feel it too.

But these barriers of mine,

Keep me from the door,

Like a silenced moor,

That pain of yours I abandon.

Forgive my cruelty,

But I can't show pity,

For I can't have your gratitude,

Not with my shallow fortitude.

Through these walls,

I hear your cries,

Through those sobs,

I lay awake.

A heartless stranger,

With your pain I'm too familiar,

Believe me dear friend,

I hear you.

________________________________________________

This is for you. Let those wordless tracks you adore sing your decadence.

Everything will be alright.

*coughs*

I, have been coughing for 3 months straight now.

It hinders speech, gives me unnecessary headaches and is a source of constant irritation. A stupendous bother because I keep coughing in my air-conditioned class, cars and that great freezer of a Great Hall during tests and examinations. Also, it keeps me awake at night til 3 in the morning (on average). As if I need any other additional sleep inhibitors aside from my on and off insomnia.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel like ripping my head off. Sometimes, others' too. It adds to my generally latent misanthropic disposition.

In short, it's killing me. I think I've developed asthma. Or maybe I have worms in my lungs or something. Yes, yes. I ought to get a check up.

What a pain. What a pain. *coughs* *sigh*

Wonderful

What I'd give to enter his world.

World of Mine

With your hand in mine,

I'll paint you a door,

Into a world of mine,

Where the skies are ours to soar.

Gaze into my eyes,

I'll give you the most sincere,

Of smiles and laughter,

Ones that'll last forever.

So come with me,

Leave your worries be,

Your wishes you will find,

In this world of mine.

6 for 24

On a lighter note, today INTEC Library had an open day. They had a secondhand book sale and I nabbed some precious titles I've been wanting. I've always dreamed of secondhand sales that'd have titles such as these. 6 books for RM24.00 is an excellent bargain. INTEC Library ought to have these sales more often.

Deception

Finally, I've submitted my New Zealand university applications yesterday. What a relief. I genuinely felt that stupid knot in between my shoulders loosen a little.

In the end, I decided to apply for what I actually wanted to do. Even if JPA don't allow me to do it overseas, I want to pursue it locally. I'm past caring about what people might think of my choice. It's my life, I'm the one who's going to live it. So that's that. No more second guessing. No more running nightmares. I have had enough.

The search for the self is an agonizing journey that'll most probably last forever and for the first time in my life, I think I've taken the right step. One I steadfastly believe I will not regret having made.

It was not easy at all though. I've considered many many other options. It came to a point that I lost all of my self confidence in making decisions. Whatever's left of it anyway. I mean, I forced myself to believe in so many things, so many times only to eventually find myself in the trenches of despair. Because deep down I know that all of it is just a farce. I tried to fit myself into molds of others' and that was impossible.

All this is a shameful affair really because all those options, not only did I feel like I was lying to myself but also to those kind people that I've sought after in my pursuit of self-deception. I made them belief that I was genuinely interested when I wasn't. Well, not at the level that they think I am anyway.

To make things worse, I really did manage to deceive myself, to an extent that is. I mean,

I was markedly distraught. They have been moments, dark dark moments that I thought that life wasn't worth living. Not at all. Without meaning, without purpose, there is nothing to look forward to. Morbid yes, but let this public confession be the end of such thoughts. Also, I suppose my indecisiveness and apparent interest in various things only goes to prove my ostentation.

Now, I feel revitalized. I'll make this happen. If this doesn't, it'll be the death of me. Which is another reason why this post is so fucking ambiguous really. A cowardly act of self-preservation. In case things don't work out, people wouldn't know. Contradictory to my professed confidence aye? Thing is, I've deceived myself one too many times. This, all this, might be one of such occasion though I certainly hope not.

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Note: The previous Potter post has been 'drafted' for the time being, due to undisclosed reasons. Ehe.