I'll be kind, I'll listen, I'll love

"There are souls that in their narrowness blame the whole world. But overwhelm such a soul with mercy, give it love, and it will curse what it has done, for there are so many germs of good in it. The soul will expand and behold how merciful God is, and how beautiful and just people are. He will be horrified, he will be overwhelmed with repentance and the countless debt he must henceforth repay."

(The Brothers Karamazov, Dostoevsky)

Because the things that I say, at any given time, means nothing these days.

But I'll say this:

If I actually do end up doing it, I doubt I'd be able to 'stow away' the notion of (well, you know). Because that would be the whole purpose of it. It would be what gives significance to what I'd do.

If God so wishes it, I'll do it. I'll be kind, I'll listen and I'll love. I understand though, the possibility of being disliked, prejudiced and even ridiculed. Hopefully, all of that would be something bearable or insignificant, to me at least.

I'd like to have the opportunity but I just don't know. More than anything, the possible fallacy of it, petrifies me. Your approval gave me more confidence but the uncertainty is overwhelming.

Because all this, might prove to be nothing but insipid tomfoolery. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Stay

"I don't know what's real anymore."

Stay (2005) is another beautiful & trippy film that I fell in love with. I don't know. Something about the dream-like quality of the film with the disorienting vertigo shots, potraying the thrill of mystery and insanity. Something about twisted realities, guilt, death, loss & love.

Again, I discovered this while hunting down films of dearest Ewan McGregor. The new love of my life. Haha. Oh, I still fancy Mr. Jude Law. After watching Sleuth (2007) with Law in it I think I'll always adore him. He's just devastatingly good looking won't you say? Enough of him.

Focus on McGregor please. I've seen 10 of his films I think. I'm also positively obsessed with Moulin Rouge (2001). I ought to write a separate post about it alas, I'm not one with time to indulge. But seriously, I love that film. LOVE it.

Okay, this is taking up too much of time as it is. Here's a couple of screencaps from Stay (2005):

P.S: David Benioff, I think you're pretty awesome. He wrote the screenplay for 25th Hour (starring Edward Norton) and Brothers (starring Jake Gyllenhaal & Tobey Maguire). Adieu~

Take off

Where the grass is greener

Another holiday has come to an end. I'd be back in college tomorrow. Trials this coming Monday & I'm ill-prepared. No surprise there. Oh, family's not around. They flew off to Canada last Wednesday. They're gonna stay there til the 28th. So I'm all by myself at home. Sort of. I've two pet cats and the maid of course.

I'm going to have to spend today completing a couple of assignments & try to study some more Biology. Haven't even touch math. Screw math. I'm done with it. I'll have a look at it tomorrow. Perhaps.

I can't wait for it to be November. Get everything over and done with. I've been thinking a lot. About my studies (what a lazy arse I am), future career & just life in general.

It's like I'm in one of those rickety air planes. The engine's revving, or sputtering, if you may. Am on top of a cliff. A beautiful one with endless golden green fields that shimmer under the Sun. Soft winds gently whispering sweet promises of a good flight, beckoning towards an open sky so blue it kind of makes your heart ache with longing. All buckled up, just waiting for myself to pluck up my courage and take off. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know how the weather's going to be like, and most of all, I don't know how long the flight will last. All I know is, I just want to GO!

Get the picture?

Yeah. I like throwing shit like this around. My head is in the clouds. Always.

Now, if only I can make a living out of writing stuff. Because you know, the feeling of 'inspiration' coursing through your veins? Wonderful.

Veterinary Attachment Day 1

Hong Hong

I'm going to apply for Veterinary Science in Massey University, New Zealand. Uhuh, yeap. In order to do so, I have to sort of work for a minimum of 10 days. It's a pre-requisite that needs to be fulfilled & today was my first day. I'm doing my attachment at UPM's vet clinic.

Saw lots of cats. The one up there, is the 2nd patient I saw. He's Hong Hong. He's being warded because he's constipated. A chunk of poop is stuck in his butt. Poor boy. Oh yea, his treatment costed the owner RM365.00. Expensive aite? One kitty, costed his owner RM440.00!

Aside from sick cats and healthy kittens that needs vaccination, I also got to see a couple of dogs. One of em' had a sort of skin disease, so the doctor took a sample of it's fur and put it under a microscope. I got to see the parasite. It was moving and all. Fascinating stuff.

Oh, I got to watch this FLV and FIV test thingy too. I don't really remember what FIV & FLV stands for but one of em' is like cat AIDS and the other has something to do with...the cat developing lymphoma.

And there was this cat who got bitten by a dog. I fed him a pill. The doctors were cleaning his wounds and bandaging him and stuff. He has a pretty big hole on his tummy. Like, you can see the muscle and meat inside of him and all. Looks painful.

Medicine Cabinet

PMR (Patient Medical Record)

All the doctors are nice & friendly. Since I lack social skills, most of the time I just smile when the staff stare at me. I had the stuff blue lab coat on, so they thought I'm a new member.

In essence, I've come to the conclusion that being a vet is like being a doctor + scientist. You meet the patient and its owner. Ask em' what's wrong. Ask questions & come up with a diagnosis. Do some treatment and plan further treatment. Run tests (using chemicals & stuff & the microscope) and dispense medicines.

I now have some perspective on what it's like being a vet and a dentist. From what I've seen, being a dentist is much more relaxing.

All in all, an interesting day it was. 9 more days to go.

Thievery

ABSOLUTELY.

My portable hard disk....and my flimsy freebie speakers!!! DAMN YOU. You THIEF. I hope you'll enjoy getting your hands chopped off repeatedly in hell. Oh, yes I DO.

Last Friday, the first day of Raya, my house got broken into. Well, sort of. Cuz you see, the thief didn't actually went into my house. Not really.

What he did was, he used my neighbour's 'galah buah' (what do you call it in english anyway! Fruit pole? Idk) and some of my hangers to make a uh, 'fishing' device to 'fish' for my back pack that I left in the living room. The sliding doors couldn't be locked because they've been faulty for years and years now. So this guy (I assume it's a 'he'), just used his 'fishing pole' and grabbed my back pack.

I lost RM170 worth of duit raya. Am not mad about this. In fact, I almost don't mind this at all. But my hard disk! & speakers! I've only realized that I lost these just now. Didn't remember I stowed em' in that back pack too. Oh, little brother also lost his PSP.

I am upset. Because I've my movie collection in my hard disk :(

PUTAIN FAIT CHIER SALE TEMPS DE MERDE!

That's french for you. Want some German now? Here

DU, SACK!

Assurances

Sometimes, pretending not to care is so much harder than pretending that you do. No really. I suppose when you don't mind things, it's easier to just go with whatever.

Enough of that.

The clouds are especially lovely lately. I like it when they are in small little clumps of floss-like bundles. I like em' better that way. When they seem to roll on into a vast expanse of forever, it feels a little claustrophobic. Also, I've only found out that there is no definite boundary between the atmosphere and the universe. The gases just sort of thins out into vacuum out there.

When I walk to college, I either look up or down. Rarely straight ahead. Don't know why. Not that it matters. Anyway, When I look at the sky I like to compare them with the trees and buildings. I like noticing how grossly different they are. It always strikes me that if we have never seen the sky before, there's no way we'd be able to know what it's like. Unimaginable.

Water too. And Fire, of course. Beautiful, beautiful flames. And I always find myself wishing I'm a part of such elements.

Why? Because living is difficult. Life, is difficult. Yes, I am grotesquely ungrateful.

Done. I'm done.

Thinking is tiring. It makes you tire of everything. Nothing else quite like mental fatigue.

Fragmented. That is what I am, at the moment.

Sleuth

Sleuth

The fire in our souls,

Burns brighter than the Northern Star,

And the flames dance in our eyes,

Heeding only the melodies of our minds.

What tempting prepositions,

What beautiful vengeances,

Could still the beating of our hearts,

So full of lust, for life.

The vicious passion by which we live,

Are not of the sort normalcy approves,

For our wits are heirlooms of doom,

Even the immortals possess not.

Let us set ourselves on fire,

And be rid of our infernal desires,

"Smoulder, smoulder,

Burn thy fodder."

Mask upon masks,

We patter about our fatal games,

Courting sweet Death,

To end our incarcerated follies.

Swearing upon handshakes,

We are of each other's sort,

So much that we cannot bear it,

That, destiny turns us into sleuths.

In our claustrophobic universe,

We are sleuths,

Who shall forever,

Only seek each other.

_________________________________________________

Would you like a witty companion?

Note: Well, guess what? I've come to like Jude Law. Today, I chanced upon one of his films, Sleuth (2007). Law stars in it with Michael Caine, who starred in the 1972 version of the film. Film's adapted by a play of the same title by Anthony Shaffer. Directed by Kenneth Branagh, dude who plays Gilderoy Lockhart in Harry Potter haha.

Thought the movie was weird and sort of dull the first 15 mins...and then it morphed into something absurdly trippy and poetic. And god, kinda fag like even. But whatever, the manic back & forth held my attention. I find it beautiful. And the house, well, heck. I'd like a house like that.

Not many films stir my muse, and this one does. So, I think it's something special. In a twistedly witty sort of way. Heh.