Blind no more

Your world appears brand new,

The broken is fixed,

The forgotten is cherished,

With eyes of a newborn you will peer.

When innocence blinds you,

Reality and fantasy were the same,

When life is seemingly beautiful,

Complete and blissful.

That's what they say of earthly love,

Almost always fleeting,

It is a fallacy that traps the weak,

And devours the ignorant.

But love of the divine kind,

It is infinite,

Is eternal,

The truth that few actually seek.

Perhaps there is salvation,

For the wingless angels who're kind,

But are almost unjustly blind,

For most merciful god has His ways.

I may not be saintly,

But I do wish to ascend,

To be exalted,

To rid myself of man's devilish baseness.

If humanity is to persevere,

My heart says we must 'learn',

And 'listen',

Only then to 'love'.

These Words

Sudah bye2 Ain di airport semalam. *sigh* She didn't cry at all, which I think is characteristic of her. She's always been the kind of people with a strong will. :) She'll do great in Australia. Definitely will. Anyway, I thought it was extremely sweet of her eldest brother to kiss her on the forehead. So AWWW. She's the only girl and the youngest of course her brothers really dote on her hehe.

And know what? I though I'd cry but I didn't which was a relief really because it would be embarrassing if I did. Ain did dropped by to return something to me that afternoon and when she suddenly hugged me I seriously felt like crying. Gosh =.= SEDIH la.

So yeah, she's in Australia now. Hopefully, she's getting settled in without any complications. Insya'Allah.

And this:

Because David is cute :P Valentine's Day? is for westerners. So, no. There's absolutely nothing special about it to me. But I DO look forward to David's Valentine's Day messages like this one haha.

P.S: I'm waiting. Waiting for some answers that would either please me or piss me off completely. Which is why I blogged this anyway, to kill time and to have a moment to reminisce of the good times I've had with Ain :) Love her.

For Alyosha

The Karamazovs

I painted this just now. Decided to have fun with the remaining of my half-dried out water colour and abundance of painting paper. It irks me that 1/2 and inch of the bottom and right side of the painting is cropped off since it won't fit the scanner. Which sucks because I focussed the most on beautifying the stallion's mane! I tried to scan it twice and merge the pictures to no avail. Without photoshop such simple tricks are difficult. *sigh* Nevermind.

For those who read the book:

As you can see, I depicted the 4 brothers as animals because, I suck at drawing people *shrugs* Alyosha's (Alexey) the biege-pink stallion, Ivan the raven, Dmitri the fox and Smerdyakov the snake. The dead tree on the crimson rock is non other than Fyodor. As for the thorned rose out of reach, well, it is everything that their wanton hearts desires for. The dove, I feel, is Katerina. The subdued moon in the background the writer.

I haven't actually finished reading the book but not to matter. This painting is based on my first impression of the book. I made it a point to draw Alyosha the largest, the furthest from the tree and looking out of the picture because well, there's not much he can do actually to save his family from themselves. Honest and sincere Alyosha strikes me the most because he is loving and genuine. I love him (haha). He makes you believe that there really ARE good people out there.

Cunning Ivan is going for Katerina, we see only his back because I don't know what to make of him actually since I've only read til the part where he left Katerina to Moscow (though it is assured that he won't actually leave for Moscow). All I know is that he's cunning, silent, ironic and above all, shrouded in his own 'lacerations'.

Dmitri. Oh how do I describe him? In my opinon (so far) out of the 4 siblings he is the MOST similar to the despicable Fyodor. Except of course he isn't quite so much of a 'buffoon' as Fyodor. To him I suppose, the thorned rose is the 'creature' (Grunshenka).

Last and definitely the least, is Smerdyakov. So far (that I've read), little has been told of 'The Stinker' but enough to make me dislike him. I don't blame him for turning out to be that way though.

As for Katerina? I think absolutely nothing of her.

So yeah, I haven't painted since form 5 for SPM so I'm rusty. Not that I've ever been that gifted anyway. I'm adequately skilled to draw things that I wish and have them turn out to be 20% similar to how I imagine in my head. *smiles*

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P.S: Dayana reminds me of Alyosha because she is genuine and good and beautiful (just like him) and because she wrote this in her blog "I kinda dislike being in love. I mean towards the opposite sex...(my love for my family is infinity and will never end)".

The Blind & The Heartless

Let's take a ride said her,

And I knew rain would fall,

Ok I told her and smiled,

We knew this was better.

Let's talk she whispered,

And I knew promises would break,

Sure I replied and sighed,

We knew this was over.

Between the lines,

The unspoken words lay,

Beneath our chests,

It wasn't love that lay.

She was my eyes,

I was her heart,

Blinded and thoughtless,

It tore us apart.

Goodbye Love she said,

Goodbye Sight I cried,

Heartless she is,

Sightless I was, I am.

Never again would I see her,

Never again would she love anybody,

The closer we were,

The further our hearts wonder.

Thus the heavens cry her tears,

And the sun witnessed my love,

We were one no more,

Alone forever more.

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Song of the month:

Don't Look Back In Anger - Oasis

Black Sheep

Got C for my FIRST math Quiz. It is LOADS better than last sem's but I, am STILL, a BELOW average maths student. *feels like cussing* I'm a math retard, I need to fix this quick. I'll work HARDER for an A. I can do it, I know I can. *glares at her maths test paper* *feels the urge to hit her head against the wall* Damn.

Egh, that aside. I'm doing okay I suppose. Nothing much happened* I'm on a relatively good terms with everybody, not that I ever get into fights anyway, which is kinda impossible for me since I limit social interactions to a minimum.

Anyway, I think my new classmates seem to have figured out that I'm a loner haha. I don't 'flock' with anybody, I'm unaffliated (I actually wrote a poem bout this but I deem it much too revealing of me to post it :S), the black sheep that bleats at a different pitch (damn, well, that's actually part of the poem...). Egh. I'm fine with it being this way, but it's quite a shock when sometimes the thought that I'm actually spending most of my time in my head hits me with such clarity. It's a little disarming, that's all.

What else? Oh, I had my chemistry test last NIGHT. Yeah, it's horrendous to spend 14 hours straight in class/halls etc. I think I did ok but I knew I did not perform at a level I expected I'm capable of. That of course, left me with that familiar and nasty feeling of 'inadequacy'. When you have expectations without the effort and preparation to back it up, expect to be disappointed. Merely one of the life's rules that I often contemplate in my abundance of 'living in my head' sessions.

Quizzes and tests aside, Chinese New Year break starts in 2 days. I'm going to work hard on my maths this holiday. I also plan to wash my car, bathe my cats and maybe go for a movie or something but mostly, I plan to study.

Oh yeah, Ain is flying off this Sunday. Yeap, the time has come for her to flip the page and enter a new chapter of her life as a university student. It gets me thinking, a lot. Which makes me anxious of course. Contemplating future related things ALWAYS makes me anxious. I fret on my bad maths marks mostly, and the shaky possibility of me getting a good TER to fly to New Zealand and do a degree in Dental Surgery (University of Otago, Dunedin, NZ).

I'm also reading Dostoevsky (or Dostoyevsky)'s The Brothers Karamazov. Borrowed it from Mai. The book has an odd scent (yes, I sniff the books I read), the usual yellowed paper scent with a hint of something sharp. I don't know, it keeps flitting in my head that it smells...'sharp' when I read it. It also has traces of what appears to be talcum powder haha. Entahla, barang kepunyaan Maisarah, siapa yang tahu bukan? Mungkin pernah disembur racun lipas :P Jk jk.

I've only read 4 chapters, so far it is highly interesting. It's been a while since I read such thought provoking works. To top it off, the guy is apparently, arguably one of the best authors to have lived and The Brothers Karamazov is his last work, also considered his greatest. It gives your mind something to chew, doesn't it?

That's it really. I've nothing more that I wish to elaborate on. Bye.

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* - Besides me taking a whole week off for a mini family reunion in Melbourne, Australia 16/1 - 1/2. We watched tennis. It was epic. Something I'd like to keep in my private thoughts. Some things are simply that precious to me.

I see life through rose coloured glass

Roses in a tune

Sometimes...don't you wish that the world would stop spinning, and time would pause, and rain will fall for eternity?

Don't you wish you could just sit in a train and not care when and where to get off? To press your forehead against the cool glass and watch you breath fog over it?

Don't you wish that you could sigh a sigh that lasts forever and close your eyes for a minute that feels like a year? To open your eyes so very slowly and let the sun dance on your eyelashes?

Don't you wish you could will yourself to smile? and to look into your own eyes in the reflection of the glass and finally...find youself? To really be at peace with what you have, what you had, what you wish you have and everything else would just...cease to matter?

I do.