ZERO GRAVITY

Time To Say Goodbye

2010-12-12T01:39:00.002+08:00

I'm done here. Au revoir~

It's a wrap!

2010-12-08T23:29:00.010+08:00

Make a wish!

With dila's birthday present safely in her possession (albeit her birthday's tomorrow actually), there'll be no more gifts to be given to my dearest friends.

I observe the rituals of gift-giving to my compadres with near religious devotion. I revel in it and this year's been a definite success. I managed to present my people with gifts that their hearts desire. This year's success lies in Something Wicked This Way Comes, the second installment of The Gallagher Girls series, Do-It-Yourself Diary of A Wimpy Kid and a Velvet Underground CD.

When it comes to giving people presents I always do my best to give them something that they want. It involves some extent of detective work and intuition-based guessing with a dash of financial approximation. When it involves the people that matters to me at least, but then again, I don't really give people I'm not particularly keen on gifts anyway. To me, gift-giving is personal. I put my love into them because I love the people who they are meant for.

The surprise, delight or excitement expressed when they get things they really like pleases me to no end. I just adore it. Makes me very very happy. It's one of those happy memories I store that I can tap into whenever I feel nostalgic or something of that sort.

And the wrapping! Gosh, I love wrapping gifts. It makes my heart sing, haha. My favourite part will always be when I pinch the paper wrapper hard along the edges of the gift box so that the wrappers have sharp, crisp and well-defined edges and corners. In their anticipation to unwrap them gifts, I doubt anybody ever notices such detail. But it's all love. Those visible edges and corners are LOVE I tell you. It is.

Although one disappointment every year for the past 5 years has been, my older brother's birthday. I NEVER get to give him anything. Mainly because he currently resides 18 time zones away from Malaysia, which is Toronto, Canada. Each year I have this grand idea of making some kind of home movie which involves footages of each and every family member wishing him a very 'Happy Birthday' while holding their own personalized birthday 'banner' (a piece of drawing block with their personal wishes written on it). I'd then edit all these precious footages into a film collage filled with love and good wishes from home. Fantasy, fantasy. I don't even own a video camera. I could borrow somebody's of course, but *sigh* I don't know.

Last year, I almost managed to pull it off. Though instead of video clips, it was really pictures of family members holding the aforementioned drawing block 'cards'. Except, it turned out that the pencil drawn 'cards' weren't legible because they were too thin. I abandoned said plan because it'd take too much time to redo them cards :(

Thought I'd pull it off this year. But again, it's a fail. All we did was skyped and bullied Adi till he ran crying into the bathroom. And to think that he got me a real Harry Potter wand (which, I take out daily to stare obsessively at) this year D: Augh... Someday, perhaps.

Anyway, if you've ever received a birthday gift from me, do know you are very dear to me :)

Sapphires

2010-12-06T02:51:00.002+08:00

Icy blue orbs frozen in a stare,

Through thickets of the unseen,

Where memories and dreams meet,

Like a flame his longing, burning.

His eyes twinkled as it pools,

Pearlescent tracks down his cheeks,

In unbroken streams,

His very soul leaks.

A personal apocalypse,

Made visible by an unruly heart,

With those sapphire eyes,

He bade his goodbyes.

'Have it your way'

2010-12-05T22:46:00.006+08:00

Despite the title of this post, no, I haven't had Burger King in months. SACE Results will be out in one week's time. If anything, it means I've got to milk this week's worth of reading, video gaming and uh, 'movie'ing.

I have given up trying to play Resident Evil 5 by myself. I've admitted defeat and surrendered the console to my little brother and cousin. I just watch them play in co-op mode. Them zombies are just, yeugh. Pity.

Am currently reading The Magicians by Lev Grossman. Since I'm a vicious Potter fan, I quite hate the book. The protagonist, Quentin Coldwater, is a Holden Caufield wannabe. Eh, I just hate him. He's exceptionally prodigious, pathetically depressed and ultimately boring. I don't know, he just doesn't come across as an enigmatic and witty tortured soul that I belief the author's trying to get him to be.

Basically, book's about Quentin being mopey. Dude stumbles on a magic college where he studies 'Magic'. Stuff happens, he does a card trick, pulls a sword out of a table, and vwalla passes the entrance exam, becomes a magic undergrad boy, makes friends. Then he's turned into a goose- know what? It's actually about him being mopey all the time. And the 'Magic', gah. Dullest most unromantic and unattractive take on 'Magic' I've ever read. Imaginative, yes but viciously repellant. I'm not even going to explain.

Also, the Potter jokes annoy me. Unworthy of having Rowling's masterpiece adorned in its back cover, unworthy of being related with the Potter series in any way whatsoever. It's a wonder I'm still reading it. But esh, I paid for this book and I will finish it. Within this past 3 weeks I've read 7 books yet my reading list seems to have grown instead.

Holiday's been great so far. Watched Rapunzel (I like it~) in Pavilion and ate at the Tarbush Restaurant in JW Mariott across Pavi last night. Cousin's birthday. Had a nice time. Finally got to eat real food. My new maid's horrid cooking only grazes the category of being 'edible'. I mean really, she's as bad as me! And I only know how to 'cook' rice in theory (Yea yea, I deserve to be stoned to death).

On another note, the streets of KL in the night time is quite fascinating. The lights, the assorted people, and I just love the musky scent of rain. The smoke, the loitering teenagers and the bottles of booze in plain sight on the other hand...mortifying.

To think that this indulgent, carefree and jovial mood of mine will be replaced with manic anxiety as I expectantly wait for my results next week is a bit of a downer. But whatever, I'll worry about that later. Now, we sing, we dance and steal things (Nah).

P.S: Happy 23rd Birthday Abang :) Made up with our little clone trooper by threatening to return them borrowed PS3 games. Cruel yes, but effective. Called you back on Skype didn't he? Heh.

Roger Reigns Supreme

2010-11-29T04:05:00.011+08:00

6 - 3 , 3 - 6 , 6 - 3 (1 hour 37 minits)

Defeating top seed and close friend Rafael Nadal, His excellency Roger Federer celebrates his victory in the ATP World Tour season finale Barclays 2010.

Roger is now one of only 3 players to have won the Barclays Championship 5 times. This is also Roger's 66th ATP World Tour Title.

Where only the top 8 players qualify to play, Roger once again proves that he IS indeed, worthy of being noted as the greatest player of ALL time.

Beating Rafa in three sets, 6 - 3 , 3 - 6 , 6 - 3 (1 hour 37 minits), Roger won an incredible 92% of the points played on his first serve in the final, and lost only 13 points on serve in the entire match (San Francisco Chronicle, 2010).

Roger's elegant style of playing exhibited in all its glory is a sight to behold :) Where artistry and sportsmanship blends into a masterpiece of peRFection.

CONGRATULATIONS ROGER!

P.S: Take that naysayers out there! HAH. I shall shamelessly gloat.

Scenes

2010-11-21T19:34:00.011+08:00

Got bored for the first time since college ended, thus here I am. Went through some of the stuff I wrote in high school. Them 'short stories' I've long stopped writing because I discovered that my attempts at poetry are much less time consuming.

I think...I ought to give writing another stab. I miss it. You know, just cooking up plots, characters, dialouges and scenes. I particularly liked thinking up that something special that I'd usually start with before I build up the characters and story around it. It's usually a scene. Never a message though. I've never been able to write something to convey a message. It's always been about, a 'something'.

For example,

THIS, put a scene in my head. Of a guy playing this song like in the video, under a hazelnut tree by a brook, so close he was to the water, he could dip his bare feet in it. Surrounding him, is a field of dandelions that swayed in the breeze, as if dancing to the song played on the guitar. There's also a girl, in a yellow summer dress that matches the sun and the dandelions. Spinning like a mad gypsy, her long dark hair and dress billowing. Sun kissed, the grass is gilded in gold.

So, I wrote a chapter with such a scene in it. Oh, since I was particularly fascinated by fire then, dude's a pyromaniac. For some reason, the girl's blind.

MEH. There, click if you may and laugh at my amateurish attempt.

At any rate, I suck at it hahah.

P.S: I'm not even gonna get into my long stagnant attempts at writing 'novels'. Those chapters are probably decaying. If electronic documents can rot, they probably would have. *shrug*

All my lies

2010-11-21T01:13:00.008+08:00

Let me swim in the channels of passion

So that my actions may be driven by love.

Stoked by the fumes of desire, I will step

Out of these smog of loss and confusion

This mist of anger and dissatisfaction

That clouds my eyes and blinds my heart

So that heavy sighs lace all my lies

All my smiles.

Can I not be what I yearn yet still be

What embodies the wishes of ones I care for

Bear the responsibilities they ask of

And fulfill the expectations they have bore.

Show me that the world is gentle and kind

Tender feelings of tolerance and resilience

Bare to me their generosity

If it be a must, let it be even pity.

I cling to such grand notions of liberty

That I know many have fallen prey to.

Mere indulgences of foolish romantics

Where thrive only things of beauty

And odes to our depraved humanity.

With my dreams in the palms of my hands

I offer myself brittle promises

In the face of denial, all my lies made fatal.

More than words

2010-11-19T00:39:00.011+08:00

Thanks, dila :)

Deathly Hallows Part 1

2010-11-18T23:57:00.011+08:00

My precious Harry

Just got back. Love it, can't wait for the second part. Potter fans out there, hurry along to the nearest theaters and welcome our dearest boy-who-lived into thy arms.

The journey to the end starts here :') After the books, you have movies. After the movies?

Legends they be those stories that beats eternally within the hearts of the readers

__________________________________________________

P.S:

And this. After you've seen the movie you know that the scene where this song is played is not in the book. All the same, it's all good. I like it. Have always been a Harry-Hermione fan, though of course that can't ever be because of darling Ron.

My apologies

2010-11-16T12:19:00.009+08:00

Candle-lit faces, Candle-lit gazes

Last night was AUSMAT 21's grand dinner. I went and that is to be considered an achievement (yeah, boo-hoo I'm a loser). I mean, I paid RM80 and all. I believe, it's the first time I ever went to any social gathering (of such scale) quite so willingly. I really wanted to see everybody all dressed up and happy and stuff.

It was nice. I don't know. I wimped out when everybody started singing at the end of the dinner. I left. It was dark so people didn't really notice.

It was dark because the committee planned a surprise gift thingy for the lecturers. They gave twenty of us one of those small perfumed candles and had another twenty carrying roses and a small gift follow us in the dark to where the lecturers sat. The candle bearers stood in a circle around the lecturers' table, the gift bearers handed their gifts, then the lecturers blew each of the candles out. Pagan much? Hahah. Naww, it was nice. Some of the lecturers actually cried and that probably worthed much more than RM80 I'd say.

It was after the candle-gift event that the singing started. It was still dark while I made my getaway. Pretty darn rude of me to sneak off like that and not tell my classmates. They looked nice in the diffused light and I want to remember them like that. I only bid farewell to Alia (fellow victim of Otago's mass interview slaughter session. Egh, I'm just sore. Ignore me). She insisted that I at least say goodbye to the others but I just gave her hand another squeeze, an apologetic smile and left.

I bet she cried when the singing ended. She's such a nice person and she always cries when things gets a bit, uh, 'feely' and I don't want to see her cry. Saw her cry plenty of times already. After the interview, after the interview results came out, at the class party... so none of that for me.

Blame my conspicuous avoidant nature but really I just don't want to say goodbye and that's that. Hopefully, I won't ever have to say goodbye to any of them at any point in the near or not-so-near future. Let everything stay as if we'll all just meet up in class tomorrow (though thank god NOT! Haha).

Thus the end of the College phase. What's next remains to be seen.

_________________________________________________

P.S:

I've finished reading 3 of my Big Bad Wolf purchases. One was crappy (Exurbia by Molly McGrann), the other two were absolutely brilliant (The Reminder by Rune Michaels & Beat The Reaper by Josh Bazell). Also, Beat The Reaper has this 'medical/mobster' game at its website. If you have nothing to do, then do click.

Exurbia was an unplanned purchase anyway. *sigh* Never judge 'Young Adult' books by their covers. Never. Not that Exurbia's cover is particularly attractive anyway though.

Like A Painting

2010-11-14T12:30:00.005+08:00

The grass made greener

The skies made bluer

All is touched by the Sun's gold

And all is untouched by Time's 'Old'

In a painting, all is frozen

The subject or scenery from a single moment

The artists' brief yet passionate limerence

A single point in our space-time continuum

What you see is but a mirage

Underneath the concrete idea of the painting

The dashes of paint and the strokes of brushes

All you really see is the artist's visage

Their countenance made bold

By the language of colours and texture

Their personalities made bare

By the painting's essence and nature

If I can reveal to you my true feelings

And have you understand my feeble thoughts

On a canvas that spans skies and seas

My mind to you I'll paint transparent

Big Bad Wolf

2010-11-13T23:25:00.010+08:00

My preciousssss

Total: RM162

Number of books: 22

Quite a bargain indeed. Housies Alice & Linda (she spent RM230!) tagged along in my trusty taxi cab Atos. Good thing mom was kind enough to show me the way the first time I went with Alice. Yeap, we went twice. Alice slept over at my house and all.

Alice and I got to go on the Media preview day because we won the Big Bad Wolf BFF photo contest heheh, which is a good thing. Otherwise, on the first day itself...gosh. The crowd is just plain brutal. Bibliophiles ravished the book piles with hungered gleams in their eyes, I kid you not. It was so crowded I felt pretty darn nauseated.

Also, got to meet an old friend from high school. Grapes, I mean, Grace. Heh. She's working as one of the 80 staff on hand. If you go over to the sci-fi section, she's the girl with the orangey bob haircut :)

Lovely days ahead of me. Just me, my books, my cats & Adi in my room. Still, I'm kinda hung up that I didn't get these titles. I want these SO bad. Like, real bad.

(Especially this The Periodic Table by Primo Levi. Somebody, do get it for me from Kino)

(BBW had practically every other book Roth ever wrote EXCEPT this one. Oh, the INJUSTICE of it all!)

Liberty

2010-11-10T19:04:00.009+08:00

I have officially finished the South Australian Matriculation (S.A.M). The results of my South Australian Certificate of Education (S.A.C.E) shall be known on the 16th December 2010.

What more is there to say? :)

To celebrate, here's something I wrote sometime during SPM. Form 4 and 5 seemed to last decades instead of two years. I remember scribbling this in one of my notebooks while studying. Those days, I care not to return to them. SPM was, IS, a nightmare. Sheesh.

Liberty

Can you smell it?

The scent wafting towards us,

Sweet and delicious,

Perfume of 'freedom'.

Can you feel it?

Tugging at our toes,

Teasingly soft caresses,

Of awaited 'Liberation'.

Can you hear it?

Whispering our names,

Beseechingly silent,

The winds of 'Release'.

Can you see it?

Just over the horizon,

Fleeting glimpses,

Of dawning 'Liberty'.

Run we must not,

Savour the flavour,

These cold shackels,

Soon,

No longer part of us.

P.S: Tomorrow, Big Bad Wolf Book Sale! *howlsssssssss* Now, BE JEALOUS heh.

Nobody

2010-11-07T11:45:00.004+08:00

Wake from this silly enchantment,

Open your leadened eye lids and look,

What you see around you are Truths ignored,

Realities smothered by petty fantasies.

Should you look at the person by your side,

And he or she unconscious of your gaze,

You'll see them as they really are,

Unguarded with thoughts unhindered.

What little you know of them, revealed,

In ways you could only dream of,

But really don't be greedy and seek,

What their private souls may be in need.

Vague elucidations of many versions,

What really do any of us understand,

Of souls and thoughts and emotions,

That define our arbitrary 'I's.

So stop looking for angels and soulmates,

Stop wishing for devotion and attention,

In your reflection you will find,

The Nobody that rules your body.

Mr. Cut Here

2010-11-06T17:05:00.015+08:00

With his palm down, over the bright green bushes,

He lets his hand brush over them as he walks down the hall.

Caressing droplets of dew from the shoots,

He smiles a very private very lopsided smile.

Thinking thoughts I imagine to be rather discerning,

His glassy eyes not seeing the shoots he's caressing.

As I look upon his ghostly slight figure with venom,

Never, not even once would he glance around.

Not realizing the confused hatred of my unsound mind,

He went on walking at his decidedly measured pace.

Careless, uninformed and unknowing,

Eternally, wholly, unaffected by my misplaced enmity.

A milky white latex glove in his slender hands,

He blew until it ballooned like a cow's udder.

The fat girl by his side laughing, and he laughing,

Its echoes filled the vacant corner where I stood.

Over the days, I silently watched and brood,

Waiting for a glance that never came my way.

What few recollections I have of him,

The one that loops like a broken film,

Are of him in the hallways, walking steadily,

Not in herds as boys often do; solitarily.

His head tilted back, slightly to the right,

Staring into depths unfathomable.

Reptilia

2010-11-02T16:10:00.008+08:00

A 'Reptilia' cover by VSQ (Vitamin String Quartet).

This is just, Perfect.

Check out other covers here.

Who're the VSQ (Vitamin String Quartet)?

The String Quartet Tribute is a series of string quartet tribute albums, released by Vitamin Records and performed by several different groups of musicians. These string quartet tributes are commonly referred to as "VSQ," or "Vitamin String Quartet" by fans. Albums generally focus on one band per record, and perform classical versions of that band's songs, generally note for note. They use a wide array of instruments but primarily violins and violas.

Also, here're some awesome behind-the-scenes B&W photos of Julian's Phrazes For The Young solo tour by Chris Searl. The rest are here.

(Yes, Jules is a rock star that reads Hesse's Siddhartha. He's cool like that.)

To Their Ashes

2010-10-29T08:57:00.004+08:00

. . . . . . .

Burning steadily,

Burning readily,

This warmth you feel,

Is my Love made real.

Should you be so lucky,

To have been loved by me,

I would've promised you immortality,

For I'll never forget your beauty.

Things even you don't see,

Words even you don't hear,

I witness them to their ashes,

Meaningful yet brief flashes.

All this may seem just as well,

But really let us not dwell,

On things past and ancient,

So old they may be poison.

If an ending is what you desire,

A finale I will give you,

Anything to kill this fire,

Of my Love that's smothering you.

____________________________________________________

Note: For some reason, whenever I pen anything about Love, it comes out all wrong. Vengeful or...defeated. What do I know of Love anyway? Nothing. Thus the overt tones of resentment. Then again...haha.

Gates of Hell

2010-10-25T14:30:00.009+08:00

I confess, I caved in and started reading one of my not-so-recent purchases. Ones I've carefully stashed at the very backs of my bookshelf. But really, after 4 consecutive days of working on my Mathematical Studies cheat sheet, I need a break.

And so, I read a little of this deligthful book:

The Gates (John Connolly)

It is quantum theory, demons, and philosophy rolled into one. Not to mention humor that makes you smile and laugh out loud. I've no time to be writing a synopsis, so read here if you will. But to sum it up, it's about an 11-year old boy trying to save the world and humanity. Why? Because his neighbour who lives in No. 666 opened a portal to Hell with the aide of a 'Singularity' that escaped from a Large Hadron Collider, LHC.

Anyway, my birthday was last Saturday. It was alright :) Got a Black Forest cake (baked by my cousin herself), some gifts, cards and the usual phone call from Canada. I'm 19 and it's not a big deal at all, which suits me perfectly fine really. As a matter of fact I actually forgot that it was my birthday if it weren't for some other acquaintances' birthdays in the same week.

Although, it is so mainly because SACE (south Australian Certificate of Education) is in less than a week. 6 days, to be exact. 1st of November til the 10th. Five 3 hour papers to be tackled down by mediocre me in the lovingly cold arms of INTEC's Great Hell, I mean Hall.

Laugh if you may, but have you ever wondered why people say "Cold as Hell"?

Because, in Inferno by Dante, Hell is described in 9 levels. The innermost level (9th) being the coldest, a frozen lake of blood and guilt as it is the farthest from God's warmth. So, I suppose Hell is cold. Figuratively that is.

Yes. I am full of useless trivia.

I shall now go and stuff myself with Chemistry. Some 'useful' knowledge.

___________________________________________________

NOTE: I've successfully summarized a 448 paged Math textbook into the 4 pages of 2 pieces of A4 papers. I shall laminate them and guard them with my life.

A testimony of my efforts in perusing Mathematics, here are the 2 surfaces of 1 of the 2 A4s. I ain't posting the other 2 (as if this matters huh. Meh) You can click and make em' big:

I Hear You

2010-10-20T00:44:00.008+08:00

It must be lonely out there,

It must be cold down there,

I yearn to tell you,

The coldness I feel it too.

But these barriers of mine,

Keep me from the door,

Like a silenced moor,

That pain of yours I abandon.

Forgive my cruelty,

But I can't show pity,

For I can't have your gratitude,

Not with my shallow fortitude.

Through these walls,

I hear your cries,

Through those sobs,

I lay awake.

A heartless stranger,

With your pain I'm too familiar,

Believe me dear friend,

I hear you.

________________________________________________

This is for you. Let those wordless tracks you adore sing your decadence.

Everything will be alright.

coughs

2010-10-15T21:56:00.006+08:00

I, have been coughing for 3 months straight now.

It hinders speech, gives me unnecessary headaches and is a source of constant irritation. A stupendous bother because I keep coughing in my air-conditioned class, cars and that great freezer of a Great Hall during tests and examinations. Also, it keeps me awake at night til 3 in the morning (on average). As if I need any other additional sleep inhibitors aside from my on and off insomnia.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel like ripping my head off. Sometimes, others' too. It adds to my generally latent misanthropic disposition.

In short, it's killing me. I think I've developed asthma. Or maybe I have worms in my lungs or something. Yes, yes. I ought to get a check up.

What a pain. What a pain. *coughs* *sigh*

Wonderful

2010-10-13T22:58:00.004+08:00

What I'd give to enter his world.

World of Mine

With your hand in mine,

I'll paint you a door,

Into a world of mine,

Where the skies are ours to soar.

Gaze into my eyes,

I'll give you the most sincere,

Of smiles and laughter,

Ones that'll last forever.

So come with me,

Leave your worries be,

Your wishes you will find,

In this world of mine.

6 for 24

2010-10-07T23:31:00.003+08:00

On a lighter note, today INTEC Library had an open day. They had a secondhand book sale and I nabbed some precious titles I've been wanting. I've always dreamed of secondhand sales that'd have titles such as these. 6 books for RM24.00 is an excellent bargain. INTEC Library ought to have these sales more often.

Deception

2010-10-07T19:55:00.012+08:00

Finally, I've submitted my New Zealand university applications yesterday. What a relief. I genuinely felt that stupid knot in between my shoulders loosen a little.

In the end, I decided to apply for what I actually wanted to do. Even if JPA don't allow me to do it overseas, I want to pursue it locally. I'm past caring about what people might think of my choice. It's my life, I'm the one who's going to live it. So that's that. No more second guessing. No more running nightmares. I have had enough.

The search for the self is an agonizing journey that'll most probably last forever and for the first time in my life, I think I've taken the right step. One I steadfastly believe I will not regret having made.

It was not easy at all though. I've considered many many other options. It came to a point that I lost all of my self confidence in making decisions. Whatever's left of it anyway. I mean, I forced myself to believe in so many things, so many times only to eventually find myself in the trenches of despair. Because deep down I know that all of it is just a farce. I tried to fit myself into molds of others' and that was impossible.

All this is a shameful affair really because all those options, not only did I feel like I was lying to myself but also to those kind people that I've sought after in my pursuit of self-deception. I made them belief that I was genuinely interested when I wasn't. Well, not at the level that they think I am anyway.

To make things worse, I really did manage to deceive myself, to an extent that is. I mean, I was markedly distraught. They have been moments, dark dark moments that I thought that life wasn't worth living. Not at all. Without meaning, without purpose, there is nothing to look forward to. Morbid yes, but let this public confession be the end of such thoughts. Also, I suppose my indecisiveness and apparent interest in various things only goes to prove my ostentation.

Now, I feel revitalized. I'll make this happen. If this doesn't, it'll be the death of me. Which is another reason why this post is so fucking ambiguous really. A cowardly act of self-preservation. In case things don't work out, people wouldn't know. Contradictory to my professed confidence aye? Thing is, I've deceived myself one too many times. This, all this, might be one of such occasion though I certainly hope not.

____________________________________________

Note: The previous Potter post has been 'drafted' for the time being, due to undisclosed reasons. Ehe.

I'll be kind, I'll listen, I'll love

2010-09-25T17:41:00.015+08:00

"There are souls that in their narrowness blame the whole world. But overwhelm such a soul with mercy, give it love, and it will curse what it has done, for there are so many germs of good in it. The soul will expand and behold how merciful God is, and how beautiful and just people are. He will be horrified, he will be overwhelmed with repentance and the countless debt he must henceforth repay."

(The Brothers Karamazov, Dostoevsky)

Because the things that I say, at any given time, means nothing these days.

But I'll say this:

If I actually do end up doing it, I doubt I'd be able to 'stow away' the notion of (well, you know). Because that would be the whole purpose of it. It would be what gives significance to what I'd do.

If God so wishes it, I'll do it. I'll be kind, I'll listen and I'll love. I understand though, the possibility of being disliked, prejudiced and even ridiculed. Hopefully, all of that would be something bearable or insignificant, to me at least.

I'd like to have the opportunity but I just don't know. More than anything, the possible fallacy of it, petrifies me. Your approval gave me more confidence but the uncertainty is overwhelming.

Because all this, might prove to be nothing but insipid tomfoolery. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Stay

2010-09-18T22:18:00.009+08:00

"I don't know what's real anymore."

Stay (2005) is another beautiful & trippy film that I fell in love with. I don't know. Something about the dream-like quality of the film with the disorienting vertigo shots, potraying the thrill of mystery and insanity. Something about twisted realities, guilt, death, loss & love.

Again, I discovered this while hunting down films of dearest Ewan McGregor. The new love of my life. Haha. Oh, I still fancy Mr. Jude Law. After watching Sleuth (2007) with Law in it I think I'll always adore him. He's just devastatingly good looking won't you say? Enough of him.

Focus on McGregor please. I've seen 10 of his films I think. I'm also positively obsessed with Moulin Rouge (2001). I ought to write a separate post about it alas, I'm not one with time to indulge. But seriously, I love that film. LOVE it.

Okay, this is taking up too much of time as it is. Here's a couple of screencaps from Stay (2005):

P.S: David Benioff, I think you're pretty awesome. He wrote the screenplay for 25th Hour (starring Edward Norton) and Brothers (starring Jake Gyllenhaal & Tobey Maguire). Adieu~

Take off

2010-09-18T12:31:00.008+08:00

Where the grass is greener

Another holiday has come to an end. I'd be back in college tomorrow. Trials this coming Monday & I'm ill-prepared. No surprise there. Oh, family's not around. They flew off to Canada last Wednesday. They're gonna stay there til the 28th. So I'm all by myself at home. Sort of. I've two pet cats and the maid of course.

I'm going to have to spend today completing a couple of assignments & try to study some more Biology. Haven't even touch math. Screw math. I'm done with it. I'll have a look at it tomorrow. Perhaps.

I can't wait for it to be November. Get everything over and done with. I've been thinking a lot. About my studies (what a lazy arse I am), future career & just life in general.

It's like I'm in one of those rickety air planes. The engine's revving, or sputtering, if you may. Am on top of a cliff. A beautiful one with endless golden green fields that shimmer under the Sun. Soft winds gently whispering sweet promises of a good flight, beckoning towards an open sky so blue it kind of makes your heart ache with longing. All buckled up, just waiting for myself to pluck up my courage and take off. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know how the weather's going to be like, and most of all, I don't know how long the flight will last. All I know is, I just want to GO!

Get the picture?

Yeah. I like throwing shit like this around. My head is in the clouds. Always.

Now, if only I can make a living out of writing stuff. Because you know, the feeling of 'inspiration' coursing through your veins? Wonderful.

Veterinary Attachment Day 1

2010-09-15T13:47:00.007+08:00

Hong Hong

I'm going to apply for Veterinary Science in Massey University, New Zealand. Uhuh, yeap. In order to do so, I have to sort of work for a minimum of 10 days. It's a pre-requisite that needs to be fulfilled & today was my first day. I'm doing my attachment at UPM's vet clinic.

Saw lots of cats. The one up there, is the 2nd patient I saw. He's Hong Hong. He's being warded because he's constipated. A chunk of poop is stuck in his butt. Poor boy. Oh yea, his treatment costed the owner RM365.00. Expensive aite? One kitty, costed his owner RM440.00!

Aside from sick cats and healthy kittens that needs vaccination, I also got to see a couple of dogs. One of em' had a sort of skin disease, so the doctor took a sample of it's fur and put it under a microscope. I got to see the parasite. It was moving and all. Fascinating stuff.

Oh, I got to watch this FLV and FIV test thingy too. I don't really remember what FIV & FLV stands for but one of em' is like cat AIDS and the other has something to do with...the cat developing lymphoma.

And there was this cat who got bitten by a dog. I fed him a pill. The doctors were cleaning his wounds and bandaging him and stuff. He has a pretty big hole on his tummy. Like, you can see the muscle and meat inside of him and all. Looks painful.

Medicine Cabinet

PMR (Patient Medical Record)

All the doctors are nice & friendly. Since I lack social skills, most of the time I just smile when the staff stare at me. I had the stuff blue lab coat on, so they thought I'm a new member.

In essence, I've come to the conclusion that being a vet is like being a doctor + scientist. You meet the patient and its owner. Ask em' what's wrong. Ask questions & come up with a diagnosis. Do some treatment and plan further treatment. Run tests (using chemicals & stuff & the microscope) and dispense medicines.

I now have some perspective on what it's like being a vet and a dentist. From what I've seen, being a dentist is much more relaxing.

All in all, an interesting day it was. 9 more days to go.

Thievery

2010-09-13T14:09:00.006+08:00

ABSOLUTELY.

My portable hard disk....and my flimsy freebie speakers!!! DAMN YOU. You THIEF. I hope you'll enjoy getting your hands chopped off repeatedly in hell. Oh, yes I DO.

Last Friday, the first day of Raya, my house got broken into. Well, sort of. Cuz you see, the thief didn't actually went into my house. Not really.

What he did was, he used my neighbour's 'galah buah' (what do you call it in english anyway! Fruit pole? Idk) and some of my hangers to make a uh, 'fishing' device to 'fish' for my back pack that I left in the living room. The sliding doors couldn't be locked because they've been faulty for years and years now. So this guy (I assume it's a 'he'), just used his 'fishing pole' and grabbed my back pack.

I lost RM170 worth of duit raya. Am not mad about this. In fact, I almost don't mind this at all. But my hard disk! & speakers! I've only realized that I lost these just now. Didn't remember I stowed em' in that back pack too. Oh, little brother also lost his PSP.

I am upset. Because I've my movie collection in my hard disk :(

PUTAIN FAIT CHIER SALE TEMPS DE MERDE!

That's french for you. Want some German now? Here

DU, SACK!

Assurances

2010-09-04T20:43:00.006+08:00

Sometimes, pretending not to care is so much harder than pretending that you do. No really. I suppose when you don't mind things, it's easier to just go with whatever.

Enough of that.

The clouds are especially lovely lately. I like it when they are in small little clumps of floss-like bundles. I like em' better that way. When they seem to roll on into a vast expanse of forever, it feels a little claustrophobic. Also, I've only found out that there is no definite boundary between the atmosphere and the universe. The gases just sort of thins out into vacuum out there.

When I walk to college, I either look up or down. Rarely straight ahead. Don't know why. Not that it matters. Anyway, When I look at the sky I like to compare them with the trees and buildings. I like noticing how grossly different they are. It always strikes me that if we have never seen the sky before, there's no way we'd be able to know what it's like. Unimaginable.

Water too. And Fire, of course. Beautiful, beautiful flames. And I always find myself wishing I'm a part of such elements.

Why? Because living is difficult. Life, is difficult. Yes, I am grotesquely ungrateful.

Done. I'm done.

Thinking is tiring. It makes you tire of everything. Nothing else quite like mental fatigue.

Fragmented. That is what I am, at the moment.

Sleuth

2010-09-02T02:01:00.011+08:00

Sleuth

The fire in our souls,

Burns brighter than the Northern Star,

And the flames dance in our eyes,

Heeding only the melodies of our minds.

What tempting prepositions,

What beautiful vengeances,

Could still the beating of our hearts,

So full of lust, for life.

The vicious passion by which we live,

Are not of the sort normalcy approves,

For our wits are heirlooms of doom,

Even the immortals possess not.

Let us set ourselves on fire,

And be rid of our infernal desires,

"Smoulder, smoulder,

Burn thy fodder."

Mask upon masks,

We patter about our fatal games,

Courting sweet Death,

To end our incarcerated follies.

Swearing upon handshakes,

We are of each other's sort,

So much that we cannot bear it,

That, destiny turns us into sleuths.

In our claustrophobic universe,

We are sleuths,

Who shall forever,

Only seek each other.

_________________________________________________

Would you like a witty companion?

Note: Well, guess what? I've come to like Jude Law. Today, I chanced upon one of his films, Sleuth (2007). Law stars in it with Michael Caine, who starred in the 1972 version of the film. Film's adapted by a play of the same title by Anthony Shaffer. Directed by Kenneth Branagh, dude who plays Gilderoy Lockhart in Harry Potter haha.

Thought the movie was weird and sort of dull the first 15 mins...and then it morphed into something absurdly trippy and poetic. And god, kinda fag like even. But whatever, the manic back & forth held my attention. I find it beautiful. And the house, well, heck. I'd like a house like that.

Not many films stir my muse, and this one does. So, I think it's something special. In a twistedly witty sort of way. Heh.

In Fear

2010-08-30T21:56:00.002+08:00

"Embrace the fear,

Of both Living and Dying,

So you may fill your cup,

With wine of glory and discovery."

I peer over the horizon,

Seeking the truth of my future.

Finding impressions of answers,

I'm glad I'm no seer.

There is value in reveling,

In ignorance to some questions.

This I discover laboriously,

While I stumble along meekly.

Alas, I'm one easily frightened,

By challenges I deem perilous,

For I am petrified by 'Regret',

Of never being able to 'Forget'.

My fear of living a lie,

Is in itself a mockery,

One, I am aware of,

My very own treachery.

Get along

2010-08-27T12:06:00.006+08:00

Sometimes, we say things we don't mean, out of spontaneity. Spur of the moments that is caused by plain old ignorance or lack of tact imbued in our very genotypes (meaning, we're just made that way, y'know). Point is, you don't actually mean the stuff you said. Not really.

This is perfectly normal.

But the problem is, such things causes misunderstandings, which consequently results in conflict. Whatever the case may be, people get hurt. Some people forgive & forget. Some don't. People are people. The very diversity of our selves is evidence of God's existence. Don't you think?

You've got to try and view things in different perspectives. One man's liberation is another's prison. Yes, I'm being cryptic for the very same reason. To avoid, conflict. Okay, too cryptic.

Oh heck, whatever. What I really want to say is:

A degree of detachment is advisable. Let us not be immature because the fact remains that...

We all suffer in our own private ways,

We are but inhabitants of our own private worlds.

Forsake not your camaraderie,

For the sake of agony.

Forsake not your herd mentality,

For the sake of complexity.

Flock, Get along, Tolerate,

For we are all but foolish illiterates.

Title: (Get Along)

left right in the dark

2010-08-24T17:15:00.006+08:00

When I get upset I stop thinking about people and start thinking about God, which will ultimately remind me what sort of human scum I am. Start thinking of all the things I ought to do, be able to do, ought not to do, must stop doing.

Bang. A headache. Ones that simply demand you to lie down and wait for sleep to come because it sure as heck ain't gonna pass just like that. Today is one of those days when you just feel utterly defeated as you rapidly descend into the trenches of self-loathing. My vision swam in tears of frustration though I managed not to shed any.

Yeap, Math test.

Left & right. Such simple things. People tell me my dyslexia/dyscalculia isn't that bad so I ought to be able to work through my hang ups if I simply work hard enough.

Well guess what?

They're not fucking dyslexic/dyscalculic. I AM.

To the Adonis of Underground Rock,

2010-08-23T01:11:00.009+08:00

Happy 32nd Birthday my liege!

May your days be filled with happiness & your career flourish forever,

May your music lasts for eternity & your name become legendary,

Most of all,

Stay sober!

With Love,

Me.

___________________________________________________

P.S: Yeap, I got excited and made this poster like, a month ago haha.

Breathe

2010-08-21T22:27:00.004+08:00

And I keep listening to these over and over. I've yet to find the sheet music for 'Last Flowers' though. Am too lazy to learn from tutorial videos.

Yorke's haunting voice calms me when the nights seems everlasting. Such times can bring either tranquility or anxiety but most of the time, it's the latter. It does not help when you feel that the time you spend awake, day, noon & night is filled with futility. You can't help but ponder your cold existence. Maybe it's my coughing but it gets that much harder to breathe during such times.

Exit Music (For A Film)

Last Flowers To The Hospital

Because my nights lasts forever,

And my days, infinitely colder.

. . . . . . . . (First Roll)

2010-08-20T22:00:00.004+08:00

Hahaha. Gosh. Of all things, THIS is what I got.

A picture is worth a thousand words, so there you go, 3000 words!

And the message within this 'passage' is simple:

B L A N K

Clearly, something went wrong when I loaded the film. And thus, I ended up with highly fantastic pictures. Imaginary ones. :P *runs along to find out why this happened*

P.S: Apparently, blank first rolls is a normal thing.

Of books & birthdays

2010-08-18T23:30:00.006+08:00

First things first:

TODAY is EDWARD NORTON's 41st Birthday! :)

Hehe. Yeayyyy. August is a month full of bithdays of my favourites. Roger Federer's 29th birthday was on 8th August while Julian Casablancas' 32nd Birthday is on 23rd August (NEXT MONDAY!).

Oh, wow. I've just realized that Roger is younger than Jules...that never occured to me before. Not that it matters...just. Uh, wow.

That's all really. And oh, I bought this today.

Agassi's Revealing Autobio

BOOK XCESS been having a book fair in INTEC since yesterday, til tomorrow. Got this for only RM19.90 (Original price: RM64.90). It was irresistible! Can't help myself. Read a couple chapters already, the unbridled candor of this autobiography is unbelievable. Caught me off guard it did. Didn't know Agassi's past is quite so...hauntingly painful. You'd think it's a fictional novel.

What really got me is his violent past & inner turmoil. He actually hates Tennis. Hoooo yeah.

Our secret contradictions,

Unseen and unheard.

Relief

2010-08-18T19:15:00.004+08:00

Just a moment,

For a second,

Let me believe,

I'll find relief.

Tracing shadows,

Against the wall,

It feels like forever,

Let this be over.

Light my darkened path,

Spare me your wrath,

Tolerate my nuisance,

All I want is significance.

Rationality, practicality,

They satisfy but half of me,

Passion and curiosity,

They petrify the rest of me.

What am I to do,

Speak to me as I'll to you,

Take away my grief,

Ask me to believe.

_________________________________________________

Fragmented and incoherent at best. I'll write what I may.

Telfast for Breakfast

2010-08-15T20:26:00.008+08:00

Am sick & sleepy. Urgh. I've nothing against modern medicine, but I sure don't like those antibiotic pills. They smell like cat piss. Don't believe me? Next time around try sniffing them. Anyhoo, I love those Telfasts. Anything that helps me sleep is good.

Oh, yes. This:

The Holga 135 TIM (Twin Image Maker)

Sent my first roll to be developed & scanned already. Hopefully, SOME of the pictures turn out good haha. The colour flash is mad fun. You get people all disoriented when you use it heh.

I'm also abstaining from reading. The last book I read is Fahrenheit 451 (Ray Bradbury), last week. Surprisingly, it's a total let down. I was hoping it'd be fantastic or decent at least. Kafka's The Trial shall have to wait. I've been itching to read it but esh. No.

I've to try and salvage my college education. Even though I've already crashed and burned, I still need to try my level best and score a decent TER. Gotta make the TER90 cut-off point.

A part of me just want to give up on dentistry since I ain't going nowhere. I'd like to be able to do what I actually want to do for a change. Been having doubts if I'd like to spend the rest of my life peering into people's mouth. Have you ever seen pictures of oral diseases? They're perfectly ghastly. But then, the rational part of me is telling me to stick with dentistry because it'll assure me with a good living. As if I'll be the sole breadwinner someday. To be or not to be. That is the question. Nowadays, not a second goes by without me giving this matter the most fleeting of thoughts.

Right, now I'm sporting a headache. Curses.

This coming two weeks shall be absolutely hectic. What with tests upon tests, assignments upon assignments, tutorials and presentations etc. I'll make it somehow. Though right now, I'm just too out of it to do anything much for tomorrow's Chemistry test. Must be those medicine. *sigh*

Adieu, adieu.

And the irony of it strikes you,

How the only certainty in life,

Is death.

Little girls with plastic cameras

2010-08-11T20:39:00.011+08:00

Oh yeh.

Adrian of The Click Shop is awesome. I paid for it this afternoon and he already posted it in a matter of hours (or minutes, perhaps!). He even e-mailed me the above picture as proof. Wonderful ain't he? Absolutely. Oh, it'll arrive by tomorrow. Am I excited to come home this Friday or what. Heh.

For the occasion:

P.S: The lyric 'Little girls with plastic cameras' is from a B-side song of the album Midnite Vultures by Beck. Do check it out.

Ramadhan

2010-08-10T20:01:00.008+08:00

Moments pass by in a blur,

Half-awake, half-asleep,

You can't tell which.

As if you've lost your footing,

Slipping off the plains of reality,

You can only feel self-pity.

The sky clears for the Hilal.

Lo! The cresent moon is smiling,

The month for abstinence has begun,

All you seek is redemption.

And so I lay within the pools,

Of your twinkling watery eyes,

Asking for forgiveness.

A single feather from a dove,

Fell onto your darkened forehead,

Forgiven, welcome to Heaven.

AWOL

2010-08-06T22:42:00.002+08:00

Um, yeah. I've been AWOL for two days now. Dear classmates, I'm sorry.

I couldn't stop wishing that I'd just disappear...vanish into thin air...or just fade away or something. It's difficult. You feel as if a rug has been pulled from beneath your feet and you're just falling off the face of the Earth. And you keep seeing these faceless people in your dreams just turning and looking at you (though they have no eyes) as you walk with your head down. A lot of crazy thoughts went through my mind. Scared myself witless.

Speaking of which, those damned 'running' nightmares are back. Hadn't had one for a week. Had one just now. It's sort of funny though, this one. I was a dude in it, Will's brother to be exact. Will from the movie Good Will Hunting. We were in this house together, he locked me in a room that had lotsa windows. Egh, what am I doing? Point is, he chased me, wanted to kill me. All the villains in my 'running' nightmares want a piece of my hide. Always. Disturbed, aren't I? Yeah.

Anyway, I'm back to square one. I've not an inkling what I'm going to do after college. I'm weighing my options but...I don't know. Do I even have any? It's confusing. You feel like you're either at a dead-end (what a fitting term...) or on a path that forks into God knows how many paths. Either way, I'm lost.

Sightless and senseless,

I wander in my ocean of nothingness.

Screwed.

2010-08-04T16:12:00.011+08:00

Do me the honours, will you?

The interview results are in today. I'm declined. Need I bold that? Sure, here: DECLINED.

Dr. Brunton wrote us a letter of decline. Read mine. Clearly he wrote these letters of decline personally for each of us. He touched upon my essays again. In the end, that's all I'm good for. Writing frickin' essays. Jeez.

At any rate, it is expected.

What now? :D I don't know.

Not that I don't have an inkling. It's something along the lines of changing to Pharmacy and still go to NZ, or stick with dentistry which lands me with either India or if I'm lucky, there's a possibility of UM. Then...there's always UiTM I suppose.

All these assumptions are based on some seniors' experience. I'll just have to wait for JPA to reply my e-mail to get a clearer picture.

In essence, I've successfully screwed myself over, completely so. I'm not sore, or even sad for the matter. I just hate myself hah. Given the opportunity, I'd like to crawl into a hole and die.

Nah, I'm fine. If you know what F.I.N.E really stands for that is.

Shackles

Accumulated from my past,

Forming upon my wrists and ankles,

Clanking with every tremor,

They chain me to my corner.

Cold, heavy and eternal,

They serve as a remembrance,

Reflected on their surfaces,

My life, fallen to ashes.

My eyes drew over them a veil,

As I ponder my next step,

But the sensation always prevail,

Of burning, metallic shame.

Lest I slip and fall yet again,

They cry to me in vain,

Clattering ever so louder,

My shackles of failure.

P.S: Dear friend, hang in there. I still believe you can make it. Circumstances can still change for pharmacy students!

Not to worry

2010-08-02T17:12:00.006+08:00

For once, I'd like to wake up and only think of breathing. Without a gnat of worry buzzing in my mind. No nothing, peaceful. Free of everything. And you wonder if this is only possible in death's loving arms. But of course, nothing in this life warrants for such damnation. Not in mine, at least.

Cowardice

After a night of agony,

Contemplating death in all its glory,

The morning after is dim,

Muted, like a dream.

You care less about yourself,

And care nothing for others,

The world seems emptier,

But your soul, never lighter.

Putting up facades for your peers,

In your eyes, the vacancy lingers,

Not that they shall notice,

Your cleverly hidden solstice.

Like a cancer the idea spreads,

Infecting your diseased mind,

Every breath poisonous,

Every blink dying.

The yellow beast in your gut hisses,

Warning, pleading, grovelling,

So you stop wishing for destruction,

So you keep breathing in your dungeon.

Truly, Sincerely

2010-08-01T22:58:00.009+08:00

This is how I feel right now:

Truly, Sincerely

They spoke of me confidently,

As if I am the palm of their hands,

Apparitions in their mutilated minds,

Truly, sincerely, they spoke falsely.

"A rebel straining to break free,

A mouth-shooter with no scruples,

An evil-doer without a heed",

They see my apparent 'aberrance'.

As if I'm better of atrophied,

Never again I'll seek their approval,

From these familiar strangers,

I call my own.

Such truthful animosity,

Held strongly against me,

How am I to compete?

With such sincere adversity.

For truly and sincerely,

They've cast me out,

Just as truly and sincerely,

I'll shut them out.

_______________________________________________

My painful reality.

30th July 2010

2010-07-30T12:14:00.014+08:00

Sapere Aude: Dare To be Wise

Finally had my University of Otago interview for placements.

There are things I said that I wish I didn't and there are things I didn't say that I wish I've had. Either way, the things I've said are the things I've said.

My turn, unfortunately, was after Jeffery. Jeffery in his immaculate suit and shiny shoes. Jeffery with his perfect hair and perfect grades. Jefferey who sat right beside Dr. Brunton during the Otago presentation before our writing test and interview. There was an eagerness about him, his eyes practically shone with excitement. Super, super boy.

To be frank, if Jeffery don't make it, then NONE of us will. It was at exactly 10:15A.M when he stood in front of the interview room's door and waited for his turn. The girl before him, the first one to be interviewed, emerged out of the room after 20 minutes, breathless. Or perhaps winded. I can't be sure. She immediately left.

At 10:2oA.M, Dr. Brunton opened the door and Jeffery went in. It was perhaps the most grueling 35 minutes of my life, waiting for my turn. At 10:55A.M sharp, the door swung open and stepped out Jeffery, beaming excitedly. Said that it was very exciting talking to Dr. Brunton. He said some more stuff but I've already tuned the world out by then. He wished me luck and I stood at the exact spot he stood while I waited for my turn. Reciting some zikirs and praying fervently for things to go smoothly.

What is there for me to say? We talked. And of course, the nature of my marks were also discussed. Undoubtedly, he must have drawn comparisons between mine and Jeffery's. Darn.

Anyway, he was a friendly man, Dr Brunton. It was very easy to talk to him. Though it did not, for even a nanosecond, escape my attention how sharp his ice blue eyes were. I'm almost positive that he can read your mind, or see through the back of your head or shoot laser beams at will if he wishes to. That sharp.

I asked Carol how long I was in the interview room. Apparently, I spent a good 30 minutes with Dr. Brunton. We talked about:

- my interests --> Thus, the topic of horse riding arose. (We discussed this quite at length, Dr. Brunton likes to ride too)

- my grades

- my choice of dropping Physics for Malay Studies

- my experience as a team leader

- what I think the word 'health' means

- what special qualities I have that would make Otago want me to study in their dental school

- how I'll manage my prayer times and class

- if I'd feel homesick if I study overseas

(These are the things that I remember anyway.)

A lot of back and forth. The only good indication that I picked up from that friendly exterior and intimidating eyes was that he liked my essays. He expressed interest in them and said that he appreciates the effort I put in them. Pointed out which he parts he liked and stuff.

My downfall of course is my marks. He expressed great concern for them. All I hope for is that he picked up my passion to achieve my ambition of becoming an orthodontist from both my essays and the things that I've said, and will consider my eligibility.

What will be, will be. I've done myself justice and that's what matters most to me.

And, if it weren't for this interview I would not have had the opportunity to visit the Oral Health Division, Ministry of Health Malaysia in Putrajaya. I'd like to express my thanks to Dr. Rashid Baharon (Senior Principal Assistant Director & Dental Public Health Specialist) and Dr. Mustaffa Jaapar (Principal Assistant Director of the Dental Law Enforcement Department) for their kindness. They're both an inspiration to me.

Also, Dr. Dashrilsyah from UPM's health clinic who has helped me to have a very very clear career pathway.

I've the next 15 years of my life all mapped out thanks to these people.

All I can do now, is hope. Should there be a time for miracles, for me it is now.

Face the music

2010-07-29T20:08:00.007+08:00

It's tomorrow. I'll either make it or I don't. The only good thing about all this is that tomorrow's a Friday.

To be frank, I feel defeated. Because I found out that the panel will have my semester transcripts with them on the table tomorrow. My mediocre marks on display. I shall be judged and I shan't have an answer for them. There is after all, no excuse for my lack of effort.

It's probably better this way, I'd probably break down if I only find out that they've my transcripts with them on the day itself, which is tomorrow. Egh. What was I expecting anyway? That I'd be able to razzle-dazzle my way through it? The reality of it, took a whole sleepless night to sink in.

But I'm prepared now.

One thing's for sure though, I'll step in with fire in my heart and I'll go out in flames if I have to. If I happen to crash and burn, then so be it.

Inferno

As if laying my neck for the guillotine,

I'll come with my chest cut open,

So you may see my burning heart,

And the passion I house within.

Let tomorrow be the day,

That I'll find solace from the Heavens,

So I may voice my ambitions,

My sky-high aspirations.

It is time like these that I'll shiver,

And tremble in appalling fear,

For an outcome that can undone,

All that I've become.

For tomorrow to come to a past,

There'll be wars of blood red clouds,

Raging the plains of my sleepless thoughts,

I'll seek you out, with my burning heart.

Struggling to remember

2010-07-27T18:13:00.010+08:00

Because this deserve a post by itself. Jules trying to remember his song, 11th Dimension on an accoustic quitar for the deluxe box set DVD or something.

We've never seen Jules play a guitar before. So this is front page news for Strokes/Jules fandom. Fret not, I shan't mar this post with that particular 4 lettered word, which starts with an 'E' and ends with a 'C'. Ehe.

No additional commentary is needed regarding Jules' ever beatific countenance. He's just made like that. The Adonis of garage, underground, (whatever you want to call it) rock. The studded guitar strap is very characteristic of Jules innit? Heh.

AND he hasn't got any shades on. Thank goodness for that. Oh, that treble clef tattoo on his right wrist can be seen very clearly in this vid. Yes, yes, the wedding band, the eternally haloed metal ring forever embracing that finger of his. This never escapes attention, ever.

You can only imagine my reaction to all this...this, guitar playing. His hands. Gah, my obsession with pretty hands and fingers. Overdose! I wish Dila can watch this. She'd understand.

This post is escalating into mindless fangirl gushing.

I shall refrain.

Thus, here. The MV for 11th Dimension. Once again.

P.S: That last little laugh in that acoustic whatnot is simply precious.

Beyond me

2010-07-24T20:30:00.014+08:00

WARNING: It is NOT my intention to diss anybody. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I hope mine does not offend anybody. I've sinned enough.

________________________________________________

And it strikes me how out of touch I am with these...'normal' social settings. I can't grasp them. I find them absolutely unfathomable! albeit in a quite fascinating way, well, occasionally.

It is made clear to me (more so than usual) today that all these obsessions with 'apparels & clothing', 'love', 'relationships', knowing 'who's who', 'who's dating who', 'what happened where a second ago' et cetera what nots, the very things I find mundane and irrelevant are the very things that constitutes of what the average teenager call 'life'.

It seems I've been living in a completely different UNIVERSE. I thought that I'm the Bermuda triangle of their world, you know, invisible but there. But nay!

Not that I'm a total or the only social retard on planet Earth (which, I sometimes ponder deep, down, in the edifices of my solitary mind), I'm just saying I'm not among the masses, the majority.

It make me wonder, what IS it actually that caused this grossly behemoth-like gap? and what exactly it was that ensured my existence remains to be so? Like, was I all that different than the rest when I was 8, 12 or 15?

My family? frends? interests? stuff I watched on tv? read? do, did or did not do?

Either way, by no means am I trying to be condescending. Merely objective while staying true to myself. Normal is good, normal is what is accepted by people. So, yeah.

All this, stemming from another serendipitous ninja-esque discovery of a particular someone's not-so-well-hidden online confessions. And I thought I'm watching you changing, growing. Did not realize you were turning into the archetypal teenager that I know so little about.

I have a feeling its an innate characteristic. An expression of my genotype.

We Are All Lonely Souls

The difference between you and me,

Is that you hunt for charity,

Holding each other up,

While caging yourselves down.

What causes our dissimilarity,

I believe is our degree of inhibition,

You go with what you see,

I go with pure intuition.

But of course even those things differ,

My intuition and yours,

Shaped by our latent urgencies,

Disparaged in our eccentricities.

I wish to compose you an ode,

That would express my tender feelings,

An embodiment of my wish,

To reach for your laureled finishings.

Because between our universe,

Lays the pretty centerpiece,

That decorates these verses;

We are all lonely souls.

P.S: I lost my journal pen again. Yes, I'm trying to de-stress. Am working on my Otago essays. Darn it.

Kino hebat

2010-07-24T14:01:00.005+08:00

The Donnie Darko Book by Richard Kelly (the Director)

RM54.60

Frank & Donnie

They Made Me Do It

'The Philosophy of Time Travel'

Yeaaahhhh. Finally, got my hands on this. Kinokuniya hebat.

If you ever feel like ordering books that aren't available in Malaysia, do e-mail kino. They don't charge for shipping.

All you have to do is e-mail kino the details of the book you want to order (A link from Amazon.com will do) and Kino'll tell you how much it'll cost and how much deposit is needed (I paid RM30). They'll also issue you an order number and ask you for your contact details. To pay the deposit, go to the customer service and tell them your order number. Easy peasy.

There are no walls, only blindness.

2010-07-22T18:26:00.004+08:00

Never satisfied. Never contented. This voracious, rapacious, infinite desire of simply wanting more than what we have.

If we could cure this appetite of Man's, there would be Heaven on Earth.

It's our unique and all-encompassing war of spirituality isn't it? To obey, believe and have faith. Abstinence.

But of course, I'm talking about myself. My margin for error is infinite thus, I achieve naught but mediocrity. It's easy to simply say 'I'm human'. That much, I've learnt.

Though, congruently, sometimes it is better to accept our humbled existence. The future is never ours. Not even the past, sometimes. What we have now is all that we own. To make the future, present is the key.

Strive & Accept. I've met the few people with formidable capacities for both of these. I must try too.

'We are emptiness.'

-Rumi-

You, my violin.

2010-07-19T22:20:00.006+08:00

I'll play you like a violin,

So you'll sing me your heart songs,

Melodies of secrets within,

A symphony of intimacy.

Sonatas fit for Angels,

They'll cry tears of rapture,

Your voice is a blessing,

Even a bee would stop to ponder.

I'll play you like a violin,

So you'll sing me our tales,

Of tracing each other's smiles,

And falling, into each other's eyes.

Sing me your dreams,

I'll play to your wishes,

Hold not your whims,

I'll spare you my kisses.

May your strings never break,

And my fingers never tire,

The violin and the player,

For now, we're together.

Hey, Sancho.

2010-07-16T19:56:00.006+08:00

"For thou must know, Sancho, a mouth without teeth is like a mill without a millstone, and a tooth is much more to be prized than a diamond;"

- Don Quixote -

Hopefully, with a renewed passion burning within me I shall grasp what I've dreamt of achieving. With diligence and Allah's will may there be space for me to spread my wings of potential.

I believe.

Albear Camoo

2010-07-15T19:41:00.006+08:00

For the first time in my life, a math pop quiz sheet elicited emotions akin to that of affection or happiness. Haha.

See, my math lecturer likes to put quotes from famous people at the end of her pop quiz question sheet and today's pop quiz had a quote from dearest Albert Camus! The French essayist, novelist and playwright.

The said quote being:

"Some people talk in their sleep, lecturers talk while other people sleep."

My heartbeat raced a little and I waited for the right moment to tell her, my lecturer that I've read a book by said Mr. Camus and really like her little quotes. Alas, I never got round to it. I even thought of asking her if she's read any of Camus' works but I didn't dare to. I'm pretty sure I'd be disappointed so I'd rather not ask. *sigh*

Anyway, thanks to the quote I was distracted for a good 2 to 3 minutes during the poop quiz. Ehehe. Ah, well.

P.S: Since Albert Camus is French, you pronounce his name as Albear Camoo. I discovered this from watching Youth In Revolt (2009) a couple of nights ago. Sketched Albear Camoo the dog from the movie in my journal heh.

Screaming in the Dark

2010-07-14T23:06:00.005+08:00

No, we're not dancing,

We are screaming,

In mirthless angst,

And passionate fury.

Hear our calls of anger,

Heed our calls of prayer,

Screaming in the dark,

Oh, hark.

We shall not pipe down,

Not til morning light,

We shall not calm down,

Not til there's a fight.

Shed your hypocrisy,

We can tell, you're a sissy,

Join us if you dare,

We'll give you a scare.

Because we're screaming,

And you're dancing,

Because we're in the dark,

And you're in the ark.

in another lifetime

2010-07-14T16:19:00.004+08:00

Emotional gratification. I wonder what others do to get some of this. Is it even possible to achieve it all by yourself, like, alone ? I've come to realize that I think the answer is no.

Things that are amusing never lasts long. They'll end up being dull one way or another. Well, they wouldn't stay dull. But you'll tire of it at some point, for a while at least.

Sometimes, a slight nod as an indication of thanks can be rewarding in ways unimaginable. Maybe that's just me.

Helping people feels good. At least it looks like it to me.

But things aren't that simple. Or maybe it IS. What do I know?

All I'm saying is, if you're going to end up doing something for a living, whatever it may be...let it be useful. Let it be something that will benefit others.

I'd like something more direct though.

Maybe I will. Get to it, I mean.

I don't know.

It's just one of those days when the morning breeze feels like magic (always does to me), the falling leaves makes you smile and the clouds in the sky with the Sun shining through them looks like Heaven. A rush of happiness. Then, you'd feel like the last person alive on Earth. Tranquility. You'd be lucky if it stays. Most of the time, as swift as the said breeze it all goes away and you'd realize you're.

Let's not spell it out shall we.

My Banal Realities

2010-07-12T21:10:00.006+08:00

As if walking upon a dream,

Whence sleep is dancing,

With my hours of waking;

How cloyingly sweet they seem.

My futile elucidations,

To clarify my silly predicaments,

As if to reassure and reaffirm,

My banal realities.

Never cross those lines,

So prettily put and juxtaposed,

A barrier between dreams,

And sordid whims.

Put my mind at rest,

I can't;

Thus I keep on pondering,

My banal realities.

Omniscient

2010-07-07T17:06:00.009+08:00

We are defined by the choices we make in life and man unfortunately (or fortunately, perhaps) are creatures of habit. We are defined by an innate pattern of reactions and responses to our environment. This, we call identity. A sense of self.

But of course man aren't that simple. A breach of our consistency occurs time and again. A relapse into other selves within us. These minority of selves are smothered by the dominant 'I', our most consistent pattern of behaviour.

All these are good. It makes man reliable, efficient, productive, predictable though ultimately, dull. I'm in a particularly existential mood this afternoon. Not that it matters much. All I'm saying is, I don't find people dull. Not always.

Then there's Fate.

What we do, one way or another will end up being the way that it is, was, will be. Does that not render these so called 'choices' we make only illusionary? Since, things are already ordained to be the way that they are & the choices that we make are deigned to be so. Not only it questions the extent of free will, it also suggests that Man are who they are because they simply are.

Of course, I'm perfectly aware that this does not, by any chance, give leeway to complacency, making it permissible. Complacency is bad. It does no good. It does nothing. Particularly so when certain circumstances requires a dire need of attention and appropriate measures to be taken.

After some reflections, I believe it's just one of the human things people do. Being non-omniscient, we...well, I wanted something...concrete. A sign. Just, something. Anything.

Enough, enough.

I'm just sore and disappointed due to a certain something that involves one of my apparent 'alternatives' being null. It is not meant to be. Still, when you give way to hope and expectations, disappointments are inevitable.

All this, whatever it is, is an accumulation of mixed feelings, shit I read & one pleasing and joyful although non-fruitful act of prayer.

Thus, I'm at a fork in the road. 'Middle earth', 'Home soil' or 'Half & half'. What will it be?

Frozen.

2010-07-05T22:36:00.005+08:00

I left my green book and favourite journal pen at home. It's driving me bananas.

I'm frozen. Positively so. I find myself in constant immobility much too often these days. Absence of a will. Everything blurs into mindless actions. Mechanical. And I ain't even a well oiled machine.

It's difficult. And you wonder if this state of suspension is deigned to be so. What is free will anyway. I don't know. Nobody knows. Probably fictional I assume. To an extent, that is. But really almost EVRYTHING is SOMETHING to an extent.

A banana is yellow, to an extent (it has brown spots on it too y'know). It is cylindrical, to an extent.

How tiresome.

Where's the exit?

2010-07-05T21:23:00.004+08:00

The clocks are ticking,

Time's awasting,

I'm not asking you to wait,

I'm not asking you to leave,

Just please tell me,

Where's the exit?

Soles running down,

Souls are gonna drown,

I'm not pleading for a chance,

I'm not asking for redemption,

Just please tell me,

Where's my direction?

The Sun is setting,

The fun is ending,

I'm not looking for pity,

I do not want a lift,

Just please tell me,

When may I leave?

All I'm looking for is an exit,

A means of an escape,

A direction for a leaving,

So that I may be at peace,

No longer dead,

Amongst the living.

Nevermind

2010-07-02T23:40:00.003+08:00

Because in the end there's only you, yourself and nobody else. So why bother?

To be with Him is to be with everyone. It will be enough.

I just need some strength and a lot of guidance.

The beginning of the end

2010-07-01T21:03:00.005+08:00

What a way to start July. Oh so bleak.

Today, there was the Otago University Placement briefing by SELSET.

Get this:

There are only 2 placements MAX for Dentistry students.

There's five of us. Do the math. Mrs. Carol from SELSET explicitly told us to look for alternatives. It was a shock alright. NOBODY ever told us there're only 2 placements.

Then I asked her if this meant that the remaining three of us are doomed? (Of course I didn't word the question like this. I'm not completely tactless...). And she pretty much said "Yes." And what's more, it is subtly but very discreetly implied that there is even the possibility that NONE of us will get placed.

I was surprised but it ain't the numb-f**k-just-shoot-me-now kind of shock I felt when JPA rejected my PILN shoclarship application (before my successful appeal, that is).

I can't imagine what the other 4 students who share this bleak prospects were going through. I mean, I'm pretty much resigned since I started scouring the net for the said 'alternatives' (that being IMU's promising twinning programme). I mean, why would I be planning a plan B if I wasn't sure that plan A is going to the dogs aite?

But these other 4 students...I'm pretty sure they're the go-getter types with excellent results. Okay, make that 3. I already know what sort of insane test results one of them always score. It must have felt like a shot straight to the heart...or face, I believe. I feel sorry for them (I'm done with feeling sorry for myself). They don't deserve this. It's unjustified to spring this onto us. It is OUR oblivion-like impending doom, it ought to be OUR right to know of it earlier at least.

Then again, this is life we're talking about. When is life, ever justified? Never.

Not to mention the interviews. We shall be interviewed by Uni Otago's Dean of Dental School himself. We need to prepare 4 essays to submit to him on 30th July. On the same day, we'll be having a writing test and an interview. And oh, a presentation that we need to attend. Stressful much? Heck yeah.

At this stage, all this is absolutely mechanical to me. Just going through the motions. I've been this numb since sem 2. Of no feeling whatsoever.

Dentistry was absurd in the first place. But all this? Is a whole new level of absurdity. I shan't debate this no more. The futility of it only aggravates me more. Enough.

Hello, July. Be gentle. Keep me alive.

The Green Book

2010-06-26T22:35:00.004+08:00

I've realized my mistake now. That is, of not having a journal for one whole year. It poisons you. This...excess of technology. There's only so much you can write and reveal to the online world.

And so, it's time to get back in touch with what's within.

It's healthier.

Besides, you can't sketch stuff in blogs. Haha.

Donnie Darko

2010-06-24T23:38:00.013+08:00

"They Made Me Do It."

The most TRIPPY film I've EVER seen in my life. Period. One of those films that leaves your mind whirling that you could almost swear that you can hear your wits whirring in your head like an engine.

I got round to watching it because I found out that Donnie Darko is a fatalist. I didn't know there's a word for it, acceptance of fate. But then maybe I'm more for Determinism. I don't think I'm quite so passive. I sure as heck overreact a lot though. Ah well, fatalists are fatalists. *shrug* Didn't expect that particular hissy fit episode of mine to be quite so serendipitous.

I don't even know what genre this film is and am not going to try to categorize it either. Hah. Though I suppose it is fantastically surreal. Yeah, yeah, I'm tired of my own peacock terms too but I don't know how else to express how SUPER Donnie Darko is.

Film's about Everything. Like literally. But that's just me. And that's what the film's about, I think. No one answer to any question, ever. Everyone's entitled to their own interpretation of the film, which for once, is fine by me! I usually hate inconclusive nonsense. Heck, Donnie Darko is probably the epitome of inconclusive nonsense.

While you're watching it, you might wanna read this too, The Destructors by Graham Greene. It's in the film.

And THIS. After watching the movie, this is a MUST:

Click here!

Even if you haven't, you can just try it out for kicks. It's pretty cool.

And yeah yeah, Adam Lambert sang this song on Idol. It's the ending song for the film, Donnie Darko.

P.S: Jake Gyllenhaal, I've got my eyes on you *smiles Donnie Darko's smile*

One of You

2010-06-22T22:53:00.005+08:00

I've had enough of running,

I've had enough just standing,

So I took a step,

And there I was; Falling.

Judge me not by my countenance,

Credentials or even by my words,

Because I'm one of you,

Men & Women of clay.

With dreams of my own,

And those of my Home,

I tread these paths you've trodden,

And try not make it a burden.

Try as I may,

To keep my head above the waters,

And my legs moving forward,

Alas, I'm never a free bird.

I plead to you my guilty conscience,

For the things that I did,

Or did not do,

Because I too, am one of you.

Lifters

2010-06-20T21:58:00.006+08:00

Back in college *sigh*

Thanks mama for settling me in nicely and Happy Father's Day papa :)

Ah, well. I needed some lifters (naw, I ain't got narcotics on me), but I've these though:

YESSSSSS! David finally sang some new songs! These haven't been released as singles or in an album yet. It's about to be released though, his new album :)

Parachutes & Airplanes

Not A Very Good Liar

Your Heart, My Part

2010-06-19T02:36:00.004+08:00

More than anything I like just talking,

And catch glimpses of your eyes,

As if dissecting a puzzle,

Or one smart arse riddle.

There shouldn't be any shame in it,

In befriending unworthy me,

Open your chest and sing like larks,

I know your tune better than he.

Never mind this pretentious facade,

It's just a play, It's just a stage,

Prattle all you want dearest,

I know you at your coldest.

Maybe there's no magic at all,

In this mystifying dance of wits,

For all I know I'm blinded,

Enchanted, even bewildered.

There's no mistaking though,

Your brilliance and eloquence,

A brand so reserved and rare,

Unguarded, but never bare.

May our nights last longer,

And our days go on forever,

Bury me not in your heart,

In your mind, keep my Part.

Ever So Inclined

2010-06-18T01:19:00.006+08:00

Should I ever feel so inclined to drown or hide, I've books. Should I ever feel so inclined to forgive and forget, I've music. But Time is cruel, as always. Reality is twisted by it. Or is it the other way around? Doesn't matter.

Same old, same old. Am about to get shipped off back to college this Sunday.

The only comfort is that I didn't receive that letter for Parent-Lecturer's Day which is next Monday. There's still tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. Three days for that letter to arrive, if it should be so inclined to arrive. Hopefully not, because that would be a rather excessively despicable trick to play at the expense of my shredded self-confidence (or what's left of it anyway) in my academic capabilities.

I'd like to be an under-achiever among THE achievers at least. Grant me that and I'd be at peace with myself for a few moments. Grant me that at least and I shall have a renewed sense of achievement and will go the extra length for the remaining 4 months of college.

Academic insecurities aside...

I watched Red Dragon (2002) just now. Dr. Hannibal Lectre is one creepy psycho. 'Disturbing', is an understatement. I could almost smell the Fear (the protagonist's played by dearest Edward Norton) and unfortunately, my own. Scared witless. No shit.

P.S: Right this second, I kinda despise college. Hurry up November. I want out.

A Scornful Affair

2010-06-15T21:19:00.005+08:00

Bring me a poet,

I’d scoff at him.

Bring me a writer,

I’d spit at her.

Bring me a musician,

I’d yawn at him,

Bring me a painter,

I’d laugh at her.

“Why do you scorn them so?

Are they not beautiful?”

Because they are passionate fools,

Who treat beauty as tools.

Because I too am a poet,

Painter, musician, writer;

As desolate as the ancient ruins,

Though never as majestic.

Because I’ve burned like them,

Wasting our feeble and fleeting lives;

Thus we spurn each other,

This fatal affair with our Muses.

__________________________________________________

Note:

By all means I'm no poet, musician, painter or writer. I'm just a pathetic excuse of a 'wannabe' of all these. Hah.

Resurrection

2010-06-15T12:42:00.008+08:00

Their new badge. It's on Fab's drums now.

After a long hiatus of 4 years, FINALLY our debauched rock gods are BACK. Been waiting for there to be enough decent quality vids on YT.

Let the vids do the talking. I'm absolutely, utterly, at a loss of words (adjectives particularly) to describe this...this...gosh dangit. Just WATCH!

Date: 13th June 2010

Venue: Isle Of Wright, U.K

The Modern Age

Reptilia

(You can actually SEE Fab's face at 1:36!)

Take It Or Leave It

(And Nick broke one of his precious strings...)

New York City Cops

P.S:

The Strokes' comeback actually happened on 10th June 2010 at Dingwalls, London, U.K. They played a secret gig under the name of 'Venison' with a setlist of 14 songs and 4 encores. The 500 tickets for the secret gig sold out in 10 secs yo! Haha.

All members of Coldplay (From a girl who spend the concert next to Chris Martin: "He's a sweetheart. He hugged me and completely lost it during Someday and Last Nite), Drew McConnell of Babyshambles, Binki Shapiro, Carl Barat, and Zane Lowe are among the more well known people who attended the secret gig :)

Vids of the secret gig of Venison (a.k.a The Strokes).

Pounce not on Hate

2010-06-13T17:40:00.008+08:00

Indifference

That glorious wanting you feel,

When you’ve found a beloved to worship,

To complete your ethereal emptiness,

Serenading the dusk of your loneliness,

That thing you call Love.

What is it then the opposite of Love?

Deftly, swiftly, Hate is pounced upon,

But really what of Hate without affection,

For Hate is sparked by non-other than it,

That thing you call Love.

I seek to shed light upon the sleuth,

How it has been slinking amongst the shadows,

Falling in the grace of Light: Revelling,

Its superiority in staying eternally hidden,

Cold and indifferent.

To Love is to feel,

To Hate is to feel,

Infernos in a kiln that is the heart.

What then, is to not feel?

Indifferent.

_____________________________________________________

Note: Hate is a vicious cycle. It is. But to be indifferent? To be eternally ignorant? Of no awareness? Is there really bliss in that? Perhaps.

Divine Romance

2010-06-12T23:17:00.007+08:00

The one and only Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi (Balkhi) or simply, Rumi. The poet, the Mystic Sufi master.

I'm just starting to get to know him and I adore him already. Bought The Essential Rumi translated by Coleman Barks yesterday. Been reading, no, savouring Rumi's poems.

I thought Walt Whitman was awesome, that is before I found out that Rumi's a poet haha. What really got me wanting to read his stuff is because I wanted to read more of his poems on LOVE. Yeap.

Here, have a taste: This World Which Is Made Of Our Love For Emptiness

Not just love of any kind, love for God. Divine romance. Fana.

I thirst for more.

A very unreasonable take on being 'reasonable'.

2010-06-07T22:56:00.004+08:00

I've figured out what really triggered my lame 'Holden attack'. Y'know, the general 'the world is rotten' disposition.

It's the attack on the Freedom Flotilla and that particular discussion with that particular person, who is no longer an acquaintance of mine.

Really now. I shan't worry my silly little head and try to 'reason' with a person who sees only 'reason', when in fact all that, that person is, is 'blind'.

Because I care.

Thus I try.

And when I fail?

It hurts me.

Thus the mini Holden episode. I try my best to not be pretentious but I'm beginning to feel I may have mistaken 'vulnerability' or, say, 'eagerness' with it.

I'm also beginning to feel that it is not good to be too 'reasonable' because in pursuit of 'objectivity', a degree of 'detachment' which ultimately leads to one becoming 'ineffectual'.

WHICH, ironically, renders the said 'reasonable' person into becoming absolutely, utterly, 'UNreasonable'. Because when you forfeit humanity (which constitutes of feelings of empathy), then all that's left of you is...nothing. A shell.

A Holden attack

2010-06-05T22:52:00.009+08:00

It's terrible. I'm having a Holden attack. It's been going on since last Saturday. I've a feeling this has something to do with that particular visit to a friend of mine.

Somehow, just about everything seems pretentious to me. Am not being egotistical about it either. I feel that I'm the most pretentious of all.

I keep obsessing about it. Mulling it over and over, thinking things like 'Do you really mean that?' whenever I say or even, think of anything. I kept thinking how pretentious expletives are. How pretentious italics are. How pretentious the word 'pretentious' itself is. How pretentious a million other things, are.

As I write this, I'm actually pretty sickened by how pretentious this whole post is.

It's like parallel lines. How it goes on and on forever. How in reality, parallel lines don't even exist!

Everything is 'phony'.

For writing this, I'm the biggest phony of all.

Incriminated

2010-06-04T21:22:00.010+08:00

Incriminated

Little passing moments they have had,

In silence, grief, or regret,

Were as profound as their happier ones,

All meaningful, almost mournful.

The monsoon brought forth torrents,

Flooding not only lands but also hearts,

The musky scent of rain a release,

From their own lacerated liaison.

Side by side they sat and admired,

The pretty bubbles in the puddles,

Bursting like distant sparkling stars,

So close yet so far.

Should they ever join hands to reconcile,

I’d shed tears to water the crops,

Hence the seeds of love shall thrive,

Perhaps till never after, alive.

_________________________________________________

Note:

When it rains, have you ever observed the puddles?

If it rains not too hard nor too lightly, there'll be bubbles in these puddles and these infinite little bubbles bursts almost instantly. At a distance, they appear to be sparkling. Just like the stars in the sky. I've a pet name for them haha.

I call them fallen stars.

Clearly, I'm a recluse whom walks with her shadow when it rains to have time to observe such beauties. But they're so very pretty. Next time it rains, mind the puddles with the bursting bubbles. They're quite a sight.

To You

2010-05-31T20:31:00.013+08:00

A Martyr

If I should live to see the day,

When you’d greet me with a smile to match the Sun’s,

And dispel my lonesome day-to-day worries,

To feel as free as butterflies, so merry and gay.

Just to have your eyelashes brush my cheek,

When you lean in to whisper comforting lies,

So that I’d smile a smile to match the Sun’s,

For that, anytime I’ll trade my hands and eyes.

It is not the shine of your hair or the curve of your lips,

That captures and imprisons my every breath,

But the scent and melody of your love,

So strong in all that you say, all that you do.

Smothering it might be, this ‘love’ of yours,

And dead I’d rather be, than not be yours,

For I’ve waited a thousand eternities,

To bask in your presence and die a lover’s death.

Shush and hush you’ll plead to me,

How sweet, how sickening; just like honey,

How I’ll love you oh, how I’ll hate you,

For my perennial enslavement to your beauty.

Yes, yes, and yes! I do love you,

Need I bleed my very eyes and cry for you?

Need I keel over or kneel forever?

Believe me, I love only you.

__________________________________________________

Note:

Because I was watching 'Leaves of Grass' which is a movie that premiered at a film festival last year and is not yet but supposed to be released this year. And YES, it stars Edward Norton. And, well, Edward Norton. He plays identical twins in it heh.

What got me writing this is cuz there's this girl in the movie, she recited a portion of Walt Whitman's - To You (here) while she gutted a humongous cat fish that she caught with her bare hands. Fantastic no?

Anyway, she read this bit here:

You have not known what you are,

you have slumber'd upon yourself all your life,

Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,

What you have done returns already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you,

Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,

Beautiful isn't it? Took my breath away. 'To You' is a love poem and it actually got me wishing I'm in love or at least, have known love (of that sort I mean) for a sec. Just so I could write something a fraction of a fraction of a fraction as pretty as it is.

And I wrote this. It started out okay I guess. I mean, I tried to imagine what it'd be like, to be foolish and stupid and in love (I'm pretty sure I got the foolish and stupid part accurate...) but then, I got angry halfway and there. It turned out accusing and bitter instead of passionate and lovely. Even titled it 'A Martyr' as a sort of petty vengeance for my being incapable of at least imagine how it'd be like to be in love.

I suppose, I just have this idea of how grand 'Love' should be and decided that I shan't by any means succeed in 'simulating' it without having experience it first. Hah. Oh, I might cling to romanticism and all but I'm still, a realist. I don't hang onto such things.

I'm hopeless. I even tried my best not to make it rhyme but rhyme it did. I'm such a rhymster. *sigh* Ah, well.

A Wrinkle In Time

2010-05-30T17:12:00.008+08:00

Hey there. Hi. I feel like writing something.

First week of holiday's been swell so far. Not 'far out' but 'okay' for a holiday, which is perfectly 'swell' in non-holiday terms. Uh, yeah, you get what I mean.

Got myself a bunch more books to read and got my spectacles back yesterday. Believe me, it does NOT pay to be half blind. Seriously. Went to Kinokuniya yesterday...(or was it the day before that? Whatev) and had a singularly terrible time. I NEVER feel terrible in bookstores, they're like a temple to me, but I sure as heck felt bad yesterday (?). I mean, there's all these books and I could touch em' and all but I can't read em'. Not unless I'm like an inch away from their spines.

Egh. Anyway got myself Palahniuk's Survivor, The Dice Man and Tales of the MADMAN Underground. I've only a few shillings left in my wallet haha.

And since it's the holidays, I pretty much lost my bearings on time. I don't know what day or date it is. I've been living this week a day late actually, til a friend of mine pointed out that my Wednesday was actually a Thursday. I dunno, it's hard to keep track of days and dates when you're reading. I mean, in this particular book it'd be 1973 and then it's 1999 in another one and then it'd be 2006 or 1984 or something. Frankly, it's nice not having to care what day and date it is. Very relaxing.

In this past few days I've been living the life of the protagonist of whatever I might be reading at the moment. Last week I was a midget terrorist, then I was a couple of siblings with too much brains for my own good with a great deal of depression to deal with, then I was a white collar psycho with dissociative personality disorder and now I'm a head case teenager living in the 70s trying to be normal but not quite nailing it, yet.

Ha. Dang. It looks like I've been reading some pretty off the rails stuff eh? But it's not like that really. No. They're all really good books. I read a lot of Fantasy, Magic-Me and Classics-with-flowery-prose stuff last time. So, am taking a departure from that for a bit. Variety is good.

Oh yeah, went to a chocolate fair today. Well, it wasn't really a fair. Just Beryl's factory giving out free chocolate samples :) Free chocolates are good.

P.S: I'm done with Hugh Grant, since he's not making anymore films off late. So, say hello to Edward Norton. He's precious *smiles*

FIGHT CLUB

2010-05-27T21:45:00.015+08:00

You look up at the stars and you're gone.

I don't care what everybody says. It's a romance. The most naive and honest to God romance ever written. No, really. It's romantic how he wants to wipe out history. It's romantic how he's rebelling against sheer hopelessness. It's romantic how he romanticize 'life' itself. AND. It's romantic how seemingly crude he is. I just love the whole 'middle children of history' thing. Haha.

There's a bah-zillion things I do NOT agree with in Fight Club. And a bah-zillion MORE things I wish to expound, to DISagree with Fight Club. Which is, just about everything IN it. But that's not the point. What I like about it, is the spirit. The courage in it. The oh so flawed idea of supposedly hitting the 'bottom'. Flawed yet tantalizing. Fight Club is saturated with the truth (to an extent that is) that most of us never have the guts to acknowledge.

But then again, you don't always love what's right or even good for you. Know what I mean? Haha. I'm no psycho. I'm just proclaiming my eternal love for the spirit of Fight Club. That is all.

Oh, forgive me.

I have like, a bah-zillion more things to say but I can't. My head's screwed.

And the AFTERWORD. Like woah.

I have never felt like this since Harry Potter. If you see me lugging around Fight Club, don't ask.

And oh, the BEST way to read FIGHT CLUB is to:

1) Watch 3/4 of the movie. Stop.

2) Read the book.

3) Watch the movie again.

It gives you a clearer picture of what's goin' on and all.

P.S: No matter how many times I've seen gore in movies. I can NEVER stomach them. I cringe, I yelp, I just, shrivel. Can't stand violence. The flat packing sound when somebody's knuckles connect with...somebody. Oh, shoot me.

P.P.S: Video games are different. They're synthetic. Non-sentient. Get what I mean?

I'm Jack's Raging Bile Duct

2010-05-26T13:07:00.009+08:00

Holiday. Yeahhh.

Today, I went to Midvalley alone specifically to buy Palahniuk's Fight Club. Yeap.

Been watching the movie last night, but I stopped 3/4 through it. Didn't wanna spoil the ending, wanna read the book first. I don't normally like films with unnecessarily overwhelming amounts of blood and guts (Though I like it when there's ample of these when you slash monsters in vid games). Fight Club is different. To sum it up into a single word would be: Hyper-PSYCHO. Haha.

I must say though, I don't see how getting yourself smashed into a pulp would relieve stress and depression. But then, I suppose they're all masochist. Tyler and everybody else in Fight Club I mean. Then again, there's the gender factor. Perhaps guys really do enjoy getting smashing each other's faces. What do I know. *shrug*

Palahniuk's stuff are monstrous really. Finished reading Pygmy last Friday. It's dark, obscene and...downright hilarious. I would've never coined satire to be my cup of tea. Especially ones with midget terrorists in em'. Palahniuk sir, you might've just shredded chunks of the pacifist in me into pieces. A certain degree of violence, I proclaim, is agreeable. Not desirable, no, never. But agreeable.

Oh, I picked up Salinger's Nine Stories and Connolly's The Gates too this morning. MPH is better than borders but Kinokuniya is the best. In terms of book supply I mean. Can't get member discounts at Kino unfortunately. *sigh*

Speaking of Salinger. I've a fixation on how he writes. Like, I don't know...his writing seems effortless. It's not lyrical and all that whatnot. It's brief, concise yet it still bears the nuances that I prize. He describes things scantily but they suffice. An impressionist he is. As for the characters...I find them all a trifle bit annoying. Oh, but I do adore them, to some extent that is. Ach, I've only read the Catcher in the rye and Franny. Am halfway through Zooey. Again, what do I know? Nothing really.

Books aside, Movies. Watched Robin Hood. It's okay. I kinda like it. I definitely like it better than Iron Man 2 as far as I'm concerned. Watched some movies I found in my hard disk. Looted from house mates and class mates. Namely, Fired Up (some shit bout cheerleading) and Cowboys And Angels.

This guy, Michael Legge, he's in Cowboys And Angels and he's a dead ringer to Elijah Wood! Friggin' adorable. I particularly liked this bit of the movie:

Old guy: You can burn candles in both hands only for so long.

Shane (Michael): It's my wick. I'll go out in flames if I want to.

Heh. Comel.

And oh, I also wasted some watercolours and painted these. I just felt like painting something. So yeah.

"Noise"

"I'll go out in flames if I want to"

BTN

2010-05-22T18:08:00.016+08:00

Got back yesterday from BTN in Tanjung Rhu, Sepang. My verdict? It's something special alright.

Man, I don't even know what to write. I fear that I shan't do justice by it. Let's begin a note of thanks:

I thank you facilitators of BTN Tanjung Rhu, Sepand (17th May 2010 - 21st May 2010) for the wisdom you all have imparted.

Er yeah, I've been reading Palahniuk's Pygmy. *shrug*

Now, I hate to sound cheesy or anything like that. I'll just stick to the bare minimum then. So, what I learned in those five days and four nights are:

The Federal Constitution.

We learned a lot about 'Perlembagaan Persekutuan' (Federal Constitution). How it has 183 perkara, and 20 bahagian. Specifically, we studied selected perkara's (3, 10, 14, 38, 43, 151, 152, 153, 160, 161..etc. etc.) and how they're inter related. About the constitution's soul, how it protects us citizen of Malaysia. We were also exposed to the political issues related to it and how a majority of people in Malaysia misinterpret the Federal Constitution or are completely ignorant of its importance (Just as how most of us students are pre-BTN).

It's actually pretty fun getting to talk like lawyers haha. Y'know stuff like, "Di bawah Perkara 10 kurungan 4, Perlembagaan menyatakan bahawa...etc. etc." All of us can talk like that now haha. The method BTN taught us these is also pretty unique. We had to find the 5 stations where facilitators will give us the Perlembagaan book and instruct us to read up and try to understand specific Perkara s and then present to the groups. Then we'd have an open discussion relating to the Perkara s and all.

Damn, forgive my rojak English.

The Goverment

The usual, like in Sejarah textbook. The government, the parliament, Dewan Negara, Dewan Rakyat, Mahkamah etc etc. Mainly about the kerusis (222) and DUN and stuff like that. Also about NGOs and political parties and such. Issues relating to these and more. And oh, how there's 'toleransi politik' in Malaysia .

Current issues

Current issues, both local and international. The emergence of U.S as a unilateral power, China's exponential growth, then local things relating to racial issues. And something about the Zionist Protocol and all. I dunno, I don't dare delve into these too much. I might write something inappropriate. =.='

Malaysia

Well, generally everything about Malaysia. The people, culture and infrastructure. The meaning of independence, the prime ministers and everything in between. In short the history of Malaysia. From the pelanduk kicking Parameswara's dog, the Malacca channel, invasions (Portugese, Dutch, British and Japanese) to Independence Day.

Oh oh! I really like the bit where they showed us slides about the people who contributed for the Modal Insan thing :D

In essence, I believe that BTN is a good programme that our Malaysian government is investing in. Me and my peers who took part in BTN now understand the soul of the constitution, and to love our home soil Malaysia. We've learn to truly appreciate and love Malaysia and are now completely aware of our responsibility as future leaders and citizen of Malaysia. How crucial unity is.

There's actually a lot of things I'd still like to write but I doubt I'd be able to harness their importance in words to do them justice. Especially what my peers said when our Head facillitator, En. Mohd Kamal asked some of us to speak our mind in front of everyone. What they said, came from their heart.

What I wish now, is that BTN is made available for ALL students in Malaysia. The youth is the country's lifeline. Us, youth of Malaysia needs to learn these things. Only then can the future of Malaysia be brighter. May the legacy of our Independence survive and live on forever.

_________________________________________________

P.S: Now I know that some people thing this BTN is a brainwashing thing to make us love our country. Maybe it is. Who ever says that all kinds brainwashing is a bad thing? Our brains are infested by all kinds of thoughts. A bit of 'washing' WILL do it some good.

I too, was HIGHLY suspicious of BTN. Thought it'd be some kind of communist like camp tryin' to brainwash us into loving our country and stuff. I listened to the talks and discussions and treated the activities with reservation. There's no harm in treating things with a degree of apprehension y'know. And VWALLA! What do you know. At the end of BTN I am enlightened :)

I'd like to think of it as re-engineering our perception and misconceptions about some things. Besides, you can't MAKE anybody love anything if they don't want to. You simply can't. BTN does not indoctrinate us, it is more of a crash course in Sejarah and with it, the seeds of love for Malaysia.

P.P.S: The French programme juniors are a DELIGHTFUL bunch haha. :D Us NZ bound AUSMATians are glad to have been acquainted with them.

By Choice

2010-05-12T22:19:00.005+08:00

Its ironical, tyrannical,

Getting a kick out of misery,

Finding in it,

An innate beauty,

Its just on whims,

And preconceived notions,

Of how rotten the world is,

How terrible, man is.

Don't be naive now,

That's what they say to me,

Why I choose melancholy,

I believe is a mystery.

Alas, I'm a poser,

With the wits of a loser,

Who clings to nothings,

And cry for somethings.

Spare me, I'd say,

And smirk you would,

Thinking you've salvaged,

Your witty mood.

Sad Rose of all my days!

2010-05-12T19:55:00.007+08:00

Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~~~ *ala The Kinks - 'You Really Got Me'*

Haha. I'm just pumped there's only one paper left to deal with. Chemistry on Friday then SEM BREAK! Well, okay, BTN first and THEN, the long awaited 3 week Sem Break.

Speaking of BTN, which will be held in Sepang, everyone's pretty upset that we're gonna have to get cozy with the French programme freshies. By 'everyone' I mean, my fellow JPA NZ-bound AUSMAT students. I don't really get the hoo-ha regarding this issue. I mean, how bad could it be? As far as I'm concerned, with the French kids in our lot, it only adds to the 'people-I-don't-really-know-anyway', which are my fellow batch mates. And, it could actually be a good thing. With more people in the lot, it'll be easier for me to blend into the crowd and read whatever the hell I might wanna read during the talks and such.

To my housies, I apologize for my lack of excitable outrage regarding this matter. ^_^' Sorry.

At any rate, I hear they give talks, brainwashing us into patriotism so that we won't bail out of our contracts and not serve the country. Oh, don't get me wrong, I may not be as patriotic as I ideally should be, I am not, by any means an anarchist or anything. I believe in change. Change will come when people who should die WILL die and be replaced by people who are (hopefully) more...upholding, to propel us into a brighter future. Besides, I'm fully aware that the allowance money that I'm living off at the moment are the People's money. The tax payers' money. Sometimes I'd ponder this and get pretty depressed because I feel that I ought to 'apply' myself instead of...read poetry and books and indulge in my fanatical interests.........in general, screwing myself over. Know what I mean? Ah, well.

Speaking of poetry. I'm in love with Yeats' - To The Rose Upon The Rood Of Time. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. What really got me is the first, and the last line:

Red Rose, proud Rose, sad Rose of all my days!

Lovely isn't it? Mind you, the Rose isn't merely a flower in the context of this poem. It addresses Ireland, personifies it. It's also connected to the Rose of Friday, the austerity of it. In essence, it symbolizes spiritual and eternal beauty.

Right, I should be studying now. Got elemental/environmental, analytical, organic and biological Chemistry to tackle.

I said I was fine

2010-05-11T13:26:00.004+08:00

This just about sums up what I'm feeling so here. Have a go, you'll love it. I assure you.

You people probably don't care and all but here. This one has a HQ ver. of that snippet of Sinatra's My Way Jules sang at the beginning, in the vid up there, before the real song they performed; 'Between Love & Hate'. He can croon your hearts into his hands if he wants to. Heh.

And oh, got plenty of footage of Jules chucking the mic stand around and throwing himself into the Jap crowd at the end hahaaa. Btw, song's called New York City Cops.

If you don't listen to The Strokes. You should start now. You're missing about half the pomp and glitter of life on earth if you don't. Seriously.

Hey hey hey

2010-05-10T20:20:00.003+08:00

Maths final, well mid year, tomorrow. Been twitchy for weeks now. Hopefully I'd stop jigging my damned knee by this time tomorrow.

Wrote a bunch of 'rhymes' out of irritation these last couple of weeks. Ain't gonna put em' up though, cuz they all say the same thing. Just in different words.

Where was I again?

Er, yeah.

So yeah, pray for my sanity ey?

Death of the Heart

2010-05-07T20:17:00.007+08:00

The words in my veins,

The phrases in my breath,

The prose in my eyes,

They spoke of love for life.

I sought to understand myself,

And the voices rose; menacing,

They were instructions in many directions,

Not one, I found embracing.

And I, confounded and befuddled,

Grasped at things I deemed concrete,

A fallacy that has me struggling,

And now, I'm dead on my feet.

No hope, no love, no vigour,

Barred from any splendour,

I haven't the slighterst interest,

In this route I have chosen.

To have regrets at such young an age,

The wounds are scabbing,

The scars will never heal,

I shall not, I believe, live a life of zeal.

Because I'm still the asinine fool,

Who silenced her heart,

Make no mistake, I am paying,

With the death of my heart.

__________________________________________________

Note:

"Death of the heart; it's the ugliest death there is"

(Oscar Wilde in Paris Je t'aime)

Thanks Adi, for barging in and singing Spongebob's 'Best Day Ever'. You made my day. I'm still hurting though. Goodnight everyone.

Incurable

2010-05-06T14:45:00.008+08:00

I've figured it out. I have this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyscalculia

Fits better. Chronic dyslexics have severe trouble with reading/writing stuff. I'm past those.

DYSCALCULIA

Hahaha.

*goes and tries to study maths some more*

_________________________________________________

UPDATE:

"Cowardice is labeling what you don't want to change as innate."

Dang. You got me there, Wilson.

I swear I'll try to make more of an effort this time.

Latent Urgency

2010-05-04T21:10:00.005+08:00

I was sure it's 2001,

I blinked and I'm the only one,

How did I start to lose time?

I must've committed a crime.

Days, Months and Years,

They're not merely figures,

What was triumphant then,

Is never glorious again.

I shudder to think of it,

My failing memory dying,

As if falling into a pit,

Where there's only crying.

Perhaps if I was awakened,

More often than I was dreaming,

My latent urgency forsaken,

I'd meet my petty reckoning.

Though merciless Time ever was,

I should've noticed it,

How adrift I really was,

Or perhaps merely stupid.

Now I'm just wallowing,

Seeking my lost moments,

Vigilant of any omens,

Signs of my tardy 'awakening'.

Everyone's wearing fingerless gloves~

2010-05-03T19:53:00.008+08:00

Boombox (The Lonely Island featuring Julian Casablancas)

Julian is MUCH too...I honestly can't find a single word to describe how....insanely awesome-fantastic-spectacular-fabulous-epic-ace-(insert adjectives that is synonymous with uber cooleness) HE IS in this MV.

I mean...The HAIR! The Jacket! The shades! The GLOVES (haha)! The MOVES (omg omg omg)!! and of course, The VOICE (*dies*)!!!!!!!!

And the friggin' lyrics! HAHAHAHHAHA. Okay, okay, please ignore the last bit of the video alrite? It's still funny though. Boiled goose, fingerless gloves, the boombox is NOT a toy!

If you have to pick ONE person on the face of the earth to define COOL. It HAS to be JULES.

__________________________________________________

WOOOOOOOOOOAHHHHOHHHHHOHHHHHHHHHH!

The lyrics:

[The Lonely Island]
Imagine in your mind a posh country club
The stuffy old money where the poor get snubbed
The spread is bland sauerkraut and boiled goose
There's no way these people will ever cut loose

But then I walk in the room, hold my boombox high
And what happened next, will blow your mind

[Julian Casablancas]
Everything got outta control
The music was so entrancing
Everyone got out on the floor
It was a bunch of old white people dancing

[The Lonely Island]
The Big Apple, where people never dance
Spirits go down while profits expand
The cops or the dealers, who's got the juice
The street benders peddling their boiled goose

So many types of people will never get along
Till I bust out my boombox and play this song

[Julian Casablancas]
The music washed away all the hate
And society started advancing
Every demographic was represented
It was a rainbow coalition of dancing
Whoa !
Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves
Whoaaaaaoaaaaaoh !
I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman

[The Lonely Island]
Transport now to an old folks home
Where the elderly are tossed on their brittle bones
The orderlies are stealing, there's no excuse
Everyday for lunch they eat boiled goose

So I grabbed my boombox and hit the turbo base
And what happened next was a total disgrace

[Julian Casablancas]
Everybody started having ***
The music was way too powerful
A bunch of old people f****** like rabbits
It was disgusting to say the least
Oh!
A boombox can change the world
You gotta know your limits with a boombox
This was a cautionary tale
A boombox is not a toy

TOKIO HOTEL in Malaysia: A Review.

2010-05-02T10:30:00.017+08:00

Bill Kaulitz of Tokio Hotel

Bill: "Make. Some. NOISE~~"

Date: 1st May 2010.

Venue: One Utama, Central Park Avenue.

Time: 6P.M (THIS IS A LIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. LIE LIE LIE.)

First, let's talk about the weather. It friggin' RAINED last night alright. Well, it wasn't a blizzard or anything, just a light shower. Still, it rained. The moment I got to OU with my cousins, we went hunting for a raincoat. OU is huge, buying a raincoat is like an expedition to an amazonian jungle, I kid you not. The second we started lining up to get to the stage, it rained thus the XXL raincoat became useful pretty much at once! ahaha. It fitted us both, so we stayed dry.

There were ALL KINDS of people attending the concert. Lining up, you get to see just how varied these concert goers are. There were blonde blue eyed foreigners, punk teenagers in eye liner, girls in Harujuku get-up, people in Harley Davidson tees, people in HOUSE MD tees (haha :P), tranvestites, indonesian contractors, whole families with their kids and all, an auntie, and legions of fangirls.

It took me a while to hunt for the surau for Asar prayer (it's on the second floor, fyi) and so me and my cousin Mun Mun (Munirah) entered a bit late. It was around 7 when we finally got in. We were lucky to be standing with two really nice people, an auntie who came all the way from Sabah (judging by her accent) and a Malay dude (who's a part time model), both of them are AVID fans of Tokio Hotel. The auntie had been there since morning, she went for the autograph session at 11A.M. And the dude, he's been to TH's concert in Singapore already. The auntie showed us pictures in her camera from the autograph session and the dude was real nice talking bout TH in general and cracking jokes bout the wildly dancing teens in front of us and sign language. Uh huh, we conversed about SIGN LANGUAGE. We were a funny bunch really, having a conversation like it's tea time or something amidst a concert crowd.

I felt a little bit awkward because, well, I attended the concert on a whim :S. My love for TH is minuscule compared to these two who knew every single line of TH's songs. I only knew the lyrics fro Moonson and World Behind My Wall. *shrug*

Now, let's get to the OPENING ACTS. There were 2 opening acts by Pop Shuvit and Bunkface.

I now declare my hatred for Pop Shuvit:

Pop Shuvit, I HATE you.

There. Whew! I'll tell you why. He sang 4 'songs'. They don't even sound much like 'songs' to me. 4 is too much anyway. I got tired waiting in the rain, in the crowd. I'm no good with crowds, I've no idea why I went anyway but it's good training for me. Gettin' into crowds and not having a nervous breakdown, I mean. I was pretty much mortified by everything that went on in the crowd during those accursed 4 songs. The only bit I liked during his set is when he suddenly walked into the crowd, some peeps in front caught him and carried him around on their shoulders. That was neat.

There's this couple beside us, plain disgusting. Then there's this dude (who's REALLY good lookin') in front of us who were shaking his head as if there's a giant African cockroach in his ears. I suppose he's dancing but it looked more like a seizure to me, I was rather worried. There's also a really tall steel pole beside us that shook violently and looked as if it'd topple over us any second. Behind us was this HUGE dude, tall and...huge. Like an effing mini great wall. He stood way too close for comfort. Ish. Oddly enough, it didn't stink, the crowd I mean. The rain's musky scent probably masked any other...odours haha.

There were also a bunch of people who wore this red horns on their heads, which glowed in the dark. So much for symbolism eh? I was pretty freaked out by those. And kept thinking of hell and all. The dry ice on the stage looked too much like smoke from hellfire to me. Get the picture? I pretty much had a moral conflict waging a war in my head. I was just culture shocked really, nothing horrid happened or anything. But still, it kinda stretches your horizon a bit. I was pretty twitchy all the time. Kept fanning myself with my trusty plastic UNITEN fan that I've had had since form 4 and popping tic tacs. Oh! the tic tacs. Hahaha. The peeps on my left gave me odd looks when I had them tic tacs. Probably thought they were ecstasy or something. I was worried I might miss Maghrib prayer so I kept checking my watch every nanosecond or something. That was the traumatizing bit of the concert.

At around 8, we went out for Maghrib prayers. Only after that did I calm down and enjoyed myself. We skipped Bunkface's set altogether since we went for Maghrib and only went back in just in time for Tokio Hotel, which was around 8:40P.M. It's pretty cool, when the lights dimmed and then when it lit up again, there Bill was in his skin tight leather pants and blingy glittery shirt and...hair. HE CUT HIS HAIR. I did NOT know this. So, my aims of attending TH concert to see Bill's sonic hair and hear em' sing Monsoon is a FAIL. *sigh*

Anyway, they sounded great. Tom (Bill's twin) looked and sounded awesome on the guitar. Gustaz and Georg, the other two dudes in TH was awesome too. Bill, of course was AWESOME. He sounds great live! :D I'm not sure exactly how many songs they sang, because we left at around 9:50 P.M. I got to hear 7-8 songs but I'm pretty sure they sang another 2 or so after we left. The one that I really enjoyed is World Behind My Wall. But Human Connect To Human was really neat too. And the others like Ready Set Go and Darkside Of The Sun sounded way cool live. The others I'm not sure of their titles, but in short, they're all good songs. Not my general cup of tea but I enjoyed them nonetheless. I prefer their slower songs better, like World Behind My Wall and Monsoon say.

Bill danced and sang, the band rocked, the crowd went wild. It was a good show. Fans of Tokio Hotel are most pleased I think. Though they were probably pretty pissed off (as I am) by the time delay and unbearably lengthy opening acts.

Here's some pics we took:

Hi, this is me.

Mun Mun

The Crowd

Under the XXL raincoat, lining up :)

The ticket.

_____________________________________________________

P.S: FUCK. This. I FOUND THESE ON YOUTUBE. THEY ACTUALLY DID SANG MONSOON. RIGHT AFTER WE LEFT. DAMN. DAMN. DAMN. DAMN. Ugh. Celaka. I mean, sorry. Ish. The two songs they sang after we left are Monsoon (German ver.) and Automatic! Two of my faves form them! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. *Marah*

DURCH DEN MONSOON

AUTOMATIC

*MARAH*

*okay sudah*

*menyampah*

Apocalyptic

2010-04-30T21:09:00.011+08:00

Ohohoho. I feel like posting every existing video of The Strokes' live performances on youtube right here. Seriously. Aaaaaaa, yeah. I'm feeling crumby because I had a Maths test this afternoon. Enough said, no? Hah.

Am having my study leave break now. Mid year exams starts next Friday until Wednesday. Got 5 papers to sit for. And guess what? I heard from a friend of mine who attended the exam briefing, that us Pharmacy and Dentistry bound students are supposed to get an average of 90% at least. If we don't our parents are gonna be called to the Parent-Lecturer's Day. I'm not concerned with having my parents coming over, it's just that...an average of 90% is. IMPOSSIBLE for me.

Talking about the impossible. Frankly, I'm absolutely certain that I'm not going to be able to get a TER 96 and fly off to Otago next February. Uhuh. Yeap. I'm resting all my hopes on JPA's mercy and my plan B of doing Dentistry twinning in IMU (2.5 years) and then to University of Sydney, Australia (2.5 years). The requirement is TER85 only, which is perfectly feasible for me. This, truly, is the ONLY thing that keeps me going at the moment (plus The Strokes, of course).

I'm a rationalist. I don't deceive myself, not often anyway. I know what my limits are. Yeah, yeah, this sounds like the ultimatum of a Defeatist too doesn't it? But hey, it's not like I'm giving up or something. I'm just licking my wounds and trying to comfort myself. The pressure just depresses me. Terribly so. You know what it's like, aite? When you find that absolutely nothing interests you anymore and feel the great emptiness of 'my life is pointless' settle in those quiet times in the edifices of your solitary mind?

That aside, I just finished formulating my 'study schedule' for the Mid Year exams. Just like the good ol' days in high school. Haha, those days when I used to list down the things I need to study, within a time frame, WHICH I NEVER manage to keep up with. Aha. The idea is not to really stick to it, it just helps you realize the NEED to study since there's a bunch of subjects to tackle.

Enough with the boring stuff.

FUN stuff:

I, am going to the TOKIO HOTEL concert in One Utama tomorrow!

YEAYYY. Haha. I already planned to attend it but gave up since you gotta get their HUMANOID album to get the free pass. I mean, I don't love them or anything, they pique my interest a little. So, when my cousin called me up yesterday saying she has two tickets she got for free from a friend, why the hell not? I am SO going to enjoy watching the Kaulitz twins. Hahahhaa.

My MAIN reasons for wanting to go to the concert are:

1. I wanna hear 'Monsoon' live. I hope they sing it!

2. Bill's HAIR. No shit. He is the spawn of Sonic the Hedgehog I tell you. If only it's indigo blue.

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P.S: I'm posting this anyway. AND OH! I've also just realized that in this song (4 Chord Of The Apocalypse) by Jules, there's this bit in the lyrics "It's nice to be important, etc etc, but it's more important to be nice". WHICH IS my favourite quote from the great ROGER FEDERER! Jules and Roger unified! MAGNIFICENT no? hahaha.

SO, enjoy.

THE REASON: Juicebox

2010-04-29T22:40:00.003+08:00

Why I'm boxofjuice.

Why The Strokes is brilliant.

Why Jules is magnificent.

Why the Earth is not flat.

Why some people are still alive.

Why some people are dead.

MOSTLY,

Why I am sane right now.

Farewell, Dedalus.

2010-04-27T17:41:00.010+08:00

I'm done reading it, returned it to the library just now. Am very very sad to have parted with it. For once, I feel like snatching a book from a library haha but I didn't! Honest. I really did return the book, very grudgingly so, but I did.

I know it's illegal and all to underline and scribble stuff in library books but what the heck, I'm the first person in two years to borrow it! It's not like I wrote anything bad in it. I scribbled a couple of words only anyway. Shouldn't matter much. I underline the bits that I love because honestly, the prose! Absolutely beautiful!

Here's some of my faves:

"...for the words, so beautiful and sad, like music."

"Pride and hope and desire, like crushed herbs in his heart sent up vapours of maddening incense into the eyes of his mind."

"...a leader afraid of his own authority, proud and sensitive, battling against the squalor of his life and against the riot of his mind."

"...His thinking was a dusk of doubt and selfmistrust, lit up by the lightnings of intuition, but lightnings of so clear a spelndour that in those moments the world perished about his feet as if it had been fire consumed: and thereafter his tongue grew heavy and he met the eyes of others with unanswering eyes for he felt that the spirit of beauty had folded him round like a mantle and that in reverie at least he had been acquainted with nobility."

"Pity is the feeling which arrests the mind in the presence of whatsoever is grave and constant in human sufferings and unites it with the sufferer. Terror is the feeling which arrests the mind in the presence of whatsoever is grave and constant in human sufferings and unites it with the secret cause."

There's like a BUNCH more I'd like to post up but esh, that would be excessive. Stephen Dedalus, beautiful, Stephen Dedalus. I adore him, yet I despise him too. It's difficult to explain why.

At any rate, I did finish studying Biology last night so I that I'd be able to have my slice of escapism. Haha.

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P.S: This is sort of terrible...but, I got my hands on:

- 'The Image Of Chekov: Forty Stories by Anton Chekov in the Order in Which They Were Written' with an introduction by Robert Payne.

- 'The Stories of Vladimir Nobokov'. A compilation of Nobokov's short stories.

I intend to read these during my semester break beginning 17th, well okay, 21st May. I've BTN starting 17th May til 21st, in Sepang :S